Things We Learned...

Not unexpectedly, this weekend offered up plenty for us to put our 120 cents in on.

Steve Nash is one of the greatest players that ever lived: Sound like an overstatement? Well, it's not. His 23 assists in Game 4 against the Lakers were one short of the all-time playoff single game record, and he could easily have had 30 if the Suns were shooting like they're capable of. The other side of that coin is, he could easily have scored 75 points himself. At least 25 times during the game, he passed up easy scoring opportunities himself to get his appreciative teammates easy looks. What does this tell you about how good the Suns can be? The Lakers are actually showing some backbone after the 28 point drubbing they took in Game 2, but the Suns will still just toy with them until they're good and ready to put 'em away.

Golden State's fans are the best in sports: At least domestically, they are. More than a decade out of the playoffs, and City's arena is a madhouse of screaming, yellow-clad fanatics. There's a bigger buzz in Oakland than Nick Nolte at a microbrew festival. Sure, most fans get excited when their team is doing well, but how many actually render the mute button on your tv's remote useless? The commotion they were causing while some poor sap on the Mavs was attempting a free throw was vibrating my coffee table enough to cause spillage of my gin and tonic. Oh yeah, City leads the series 3-1. Did anyone see this coming? In the meantime, Disney is filing a lawsuit against Golden State of Mind for infringement on their "Happiest Place on Earth" trademark.

What is going through D-Wade's mind: Well, other than the obvious need for a tall one. He's gotta be wondering how the Heat front office is going to wrangle up ten new teammates for him, assuming they can keep Alonzo Mourning from retiring. If not, it'll be eleven. But Shaq is fat, over the hill, and no longer liked enough by the officials to have every call go his way. Antoine Walker is, despite playing with something closely resembling effort, is still Antoine Walker. James Posey was cut from the team 2 years ago and just forgot to take his jersey off. Eddie Jones makes John Wooden look young. Gary Payton once played on a team featuring Sedale Threatt, Nate McMillan and Olden Polynice, which pretty much speaks for itself. Nobody else is really worth mentioning, and therefore probably not worth re-signing.

Rough Draft: Thanks to the Pac-Man Jones/Chris Henry rules, teams actually made character a priority, thus rendering most of the draft unsubjectable to mockery. The one shining exception to this, is Mr. Brian Leonard, the St. Louis Rams second round pick out of Rutgers. You'd have missed it if you weren't paying attention, because his profile said all of the basic things; nice kid, bright, works hard, plays with complete disregard for his own well-being. To back the latter up, ESPN was nice enough to anecdotally inform everyone that Leonard once attempted to climb down a ladder head first from his roof when he was a child, a stunt attempt that didn't end well. Kinda makes you question his "brightness."

Tough Crowd: Apparently, the authority in all that matters sports-blogging-wise, "jd", has said that we're the lamest blog in sports. Not that we've ever claimed to pander anything beyond drivel, but I'm sure if you looked hard enough you could find a lamer one. In fact, please look because we did and our search was unsuccessful. You know what? I think we may have to take a page out of WithLeather.com's book and put boobs and bikinis next to every single post from now on.

Yep, we're mailing it in today. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Gettin' Played

Our favorite thing about the NBA playoffs, or playoffs in general for that matter, is that there is never a shortage of things going on. We never have to look too far for someone to mock. At the time of this article, we haven't even finished a Game 3 in any series and we've already accumulated several gems.

#1: It can't be any secret that the Lakers are not expected to beat the Suns. But as I've been screaming for a couple of years, and as L.A. Times columnist T.J. Simers points out in this column, Phil Jackson really is useless as a coach if he doesn't have a roster chock full of Hall-of-Famers. No better argument can be made for this point than what happened early in the second quarter in last night's game 2. The game wasn't out of reach yet (The Suns were up by 6 or 7) so the proverbial towel hadn't been thrown in yet. That happened right before half time. Anyway, Phoenix is going to inbound the ball from the offensive sideline. Kwame Brown is guarding Amare Stoudamire. Phil Jackson does his trademark "Ladies, look what I can do with my pinkies." whistle and motions for Kwame to slide over and guard Shawn Marion... who was already being guarded by Lamar Odom. Kwame looks confused for a second but with a mini shrug of his shoulders he obliged. Phoenix inbounds to the unguarded Stoudamire for a dunk... as if that wasn't predictable. The camera pans to Phil, who is staring either at the ceiling or something floating in the air way above the court. The camera pans to Kwame who has the most priceless, there is NO way that was my bad, I was only doing what I was told, and I'm gonna go tell Phil that I think... nah... I better just keep my mouth shut or he'll make me read Robinson Crusoe look on his face. I laughed out loud.

#2: I nearly ranked this one first, but I couldn't remember if I was counting up or down in order of importance so I decided on the middle. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a High Life man. Anyway, I have a love/hate relationship with Clippers coach Mike Doucheleavy. I hate him because he is a piss poor excuse for a coach. His incompetence is nearly Phil Jacksonian in proportion. But I love him because he is a varitable bastion of idiotic comments and coaching moves for 120 to mock. Case in point, after Golden State demolished the Dallas reserves in the regular season's penultimate game, a clearly bitter Dunleavy lamented that the Mavs didn't play "their guys" because apparently they were afraid of facing the Clips in the first round. Now, anyone who follows this sport knows that at the time, the Warriors had beaten the Mavs five on the trot at that point. Likewise, anyone who knows their ass from a hole in the ground knows that this isn't a fluke. Dallas legitimately has trouble with Golden State's fast paced style. To assert that Dallas was trying to avoid the Clips, who don't exactly remind many people of the Harlem Globetrotters, has to rank up there in the Don Imus, I'm gonna say something really stupid and see if anyone busts me on it, Hall of Fame.

#3: Poor Rick Carlisle. The now former coach of the Indiana Pacers deserved better if you ask us. Carlisle and team president Larry Bird say Carlisle is "stepping down by mutual consent"... which is a diplomatic way of saying, "we fired his ass." We at 120 don't go to bat for too many coaches, mainly because we think we could do a better job than most of them. But really, all Carlisle did was lead this team to the playoffs in '05, despite the infamous brawl that cost them their best player for the entire season and a hefty chunk of their roster for various parts of it. He then followed that by somehow coaxing his team into the playoffs despite residual effects from the brawl and the Stephen Jackson/Jamal Tinsley drama. And he nearly miracled them into the playoffs again this year despite Bird having a, hey, ever since we got rid of Austin Croshere we don't have nearly enough overrated white guys on this team, moment and traded the legitimately talented Jackson and Al Harrington away for Mike Dunleavy Jr. and Troy Murphy in one of the most lopsided 6 player deals ever. And... yeah, that happend while the Pacers were still in legitmate contention for a top four seed in the playoffs.

Parting Thought: Whatever Don Nelson has been doing in Golden State has been working. Whether it's getting plowed to make his game plan or whatever, you can't argue with him. So one has to believe that his prediction [ESPN insider] that his Warriors were going to get throttled by the Mavs tonight is some kind of motivational tool. Well, either that or scotch-addled rambling. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

March Madness Has Nothing on This

It's that time again. You can never be too safe with your prostate. But after I get that checked, it's playoff time! For some teams, like Golden State, for the first time in a long time. For others, like the Lakers, just a week long postponement on those tee times. Todd and I caused a Bombay Sapphire shortage in Southern California, and broke down all of the first round matches for you. Enjoy!

The West

Da Matchup: (1) Dallas Mavericks (8) Oakland Warriors
The Story: The subplots here are ridiculous. Don Nelson vs. the team that he used to coach. A Dallas team which turned the franchise around when Avery Johnson took the reins from Nelson himself. Did I mention that Avery Johnson was a scrappy point guard for Donnie when he was still coaching the Mavs? Don Nelson’s son Donnie Nelson is currently the GM in Dallas , so there’s a father vs. son angle for the taking. Oh, and most importantly, this matchup might not had happened if Avery hadn’t give old coach a proverbial reach-around and benched all of his starters, three ball boys, and two cheerleaders for their last meeting. But wait, we’re not done yet! After twelve years of playoff insignificance, Golden State is the Cinderella story of the year, charging back from being four games behind the clips a month ago, on the back of inspired Nellie Ball. Should they cause an upset, we might need to call the National Guard into Oakland to quell the riots.
Keystone Light Matchup: Dirk Nowitzki vs. himself. He’s got to shake a big, hairy monkey off his back. Everybody witnessed him tightening up through the playoffs last season. And when the finals came around, after game 2, he was a wreck, and somehow the Mavs lost four straight. With the likely added weight of an MVP nod on his shoulders, Dirk needs to keep his head on straight. If he can’t, he may always be remembered as a really talented player who always failed in the clutch.
Dos Equis Factors: Al Harrington and Josh Howard. Nelson’s small-ball lineup with Al Harrington at the pivot is going to cause all sorts of problems for Dampier and Diop to keep up with. And Josh Howard gets the nod here simply because he’s on track to break the Career X-Factor Nominations Record. Only Manu Ginobili and Tayshaun Prince are even close.
Fearless Forecast: Playoff experience is hard to ignore here. Mavs in five.

Da Matchup: (2) Phoenix Suns (7) L.A. Lakers
The Story: A rematch of last year's first rounder that went seven games. Will the Lakers learn from their mistakes? Will the Suns put up 160 a game and make the point moot?
Keystone Light Matchup: Not to be a copout but it has to be Kobe and Raja Bell. Bell got a one game ban for his Jimmy Superfly Snukka takedown of Bryant in last year's series. Unfortunately, the two at some point developed a mutual respect for each other so don't expect a similar drama.
Dos Equis Factors: Leandro Barbosa and Luke Walton. When Barbosa is hot, he is the Suns most dangerous weapon, able to rain 3s from 30 feet or blow by defenders for easy deuces in the paint. Remember when the Lakers were good early this season? It's no coincidence that Luke Walton was the floor general. He may not be the most talented guy but he rarely makes a bad decision and games rarely get away from the Lakers when he's on the floor.
Fearless Forecast: Suns in 6. They're easily better than last year's squad, with the addition of a healthy Amare despite the departure of last season's hero Tim Thomas. The Lakers, one of the worst defensive teams in the league, will put up a fight and win a couple at Staples. But that's where it ends for Kobe's Krew.

Da Matchup: (3) San Antonio Spurs (6) Denver Nuggets
The Story: Few teams have been hotter than the Nuggets down the stretch. AI and Carmelo are in sync, and if they can somehow get Marcus Camby's dodgey knees to hold up, Tim Duncan won't be able to run wild in the post. Still, the Spurs have a ton of veterans with two tons of playoff experience.
Keystone Light Matchup: It would have to be Tony Parker and Iverson. AI is the better outside shooter but Parker has more weapons in his supporting cast.
Dos Equis Factors: JR Smith. If the Spurs formidable defense has to think about a third scoring threat, some chinks in the armor may appear. Will Tim Duncan be able to sink his foul shots? If not, this is the playoffs and the Nuggets will empty their entire bench worth of fouls on The Big Fundamental.
Fearless Forecast: This one screams "upset." Still, the Spurs have been here too many times. San Antonio in 7. In overtime. With Iverson rattling out a 25 foot attempt at the game winner. Twice.

Da Matchup: (4) Utah Jazz (5) Houston Rockets
The Story: Two of the most deliberate half-court offenses in the NBA face off, as Jerry Sloan and Jeff Van Gundy fan through their playbooks, doing their best impression of Gandalf vs. Saruman. Carlos Boozer has taken Elton Brand’s place this season in the Dark Horse MVP Candidate Who Carried His Team to the Postseason department. T-Mac, who has never won a playoff series, and Yao Ming both shrewdly scheduled their surgeries this season to allow them to both be healthy going into April.
Keystone Light Matchup: Yao Ming is going to have a hell of a time covering all the sweet shooting big men on the Jazz. Mehmet Okur has range all the way out to 24 feet, and Boozer is no slouch either. When Okur mans the pivot, look for Houston to switch defensive specialist Shane Battier onto him, leaving Yao to worry about Boozer.
Dos Equis Factors: The sexy pick here is Andrei Kirilenko, but I’m going to switch it up. Is Rafer Alston going to be able to step his game up for the Playoffs? He’s been there three times before, and not accomplished anything noteworthy. If he can’t keep his turnovers down and set the table for his superstar teammates effectively, the point guard position could be an Achilles Heel for the Rockets.
Fearless Forecast: Jeff Van Gundy issues a stern, “You shall not pass!” and ends this series in six.

The East

Da Matchup: (1)Detroit Pistons (8) Orlando Magic
The Story: The Pistons still have one of the league's outstanding defenses, and the Magic sometimes struggle to put the ball in the hoop... except when they've played the Pistons recently.
The Keystone Light Matchup: Dwight Howard and Rasheed Wallace, even though it's the easy way out. Sheed throws up more long distance shots than I throw back 1 1/2 ounce shots in most games, and hasn't exactly shown that he's in shape to work as hard as Howard will make him. Jason Maxiell will probably be called upon if and when Wallace ends up in foul trouble, and could be a key contributor.
The Dos Equis Factors: Darko and Hedo Turkoglu. Are they tough enough to deal with the playoff Pistons? The Laimbeer/Dumars Pistons they ain't, but questions are still there about the resolve of the European guys in the Eastern Conference. The exception, of course, being Toronto's Jorge Garbajosa, who actually ripped his entire foot off after his horrible ankle injury, and walked all the way to the hospital on his bloody stump to have it reattached.
Fearless Forecast: Detroit in five. Every time you think, hey, you know, Orlando might be able to hang with these guys, you get hit by the realization, that's RIGHT! They have Rip Hamilton! and have to redo your whole matchup analysis. At least, we did.

Da Matchup: (2) Cleveland Cavaliers (7) Washington Wizards
The Story: The Cavs snuck into the 2nd seed on the final day of the regular season. The Wizards, without their two best players, have been free falling. We don't see neither Gilbert Arenas nor Caron Butler pulling an Isaiah Thomas and hobbling into the building and out on the court.
The Keystone Light Matchup: Etan Thomas/Brendan Haywood vs. Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Nobody is going to stop Lebron so don't bother trying. The Wizards must keep the other guys on the floor in check. If there is one guy who just might be able to motivate and carry the Wizards, it's Antawn Jamison, arguably the best team leader/locker room guy in the league.
The Dos Equis Factors: Intangibles/Discipline. The Wizards have come apart at the free throw line, missing more than 20 charity stripers in their last two games. King James is under 70% for the season, which is no better than pathetic for someone of his ability.
Fearless Forecast: Cavaliers in 4. Jamison will play nothing short of heroically for his team, but it simply won't be enough. No team can survive the loss of its two top scorers.

Da Matchup: (3) Toronto Raptors (6) New Jersey Nets
The Story: GM Bryan Coangelo traipsed into Toronto last February, tore the roster apart, replaced half the team with rookie foreigners, handed Coach Sam Mitchell comprehensive DVD’s of the Phoenix Suns’ playoff run and gave simple instructions: “See this? Do that.” And you know what? It worked! The Raps improved from a 27-win team to a 47-win team, and that’s good enough to win the Craplantic Division these days. Meanwhile, New Jersey suffered from general malaise and an early season-ending injury to Nenad Krstic, and limped into a six seed on the back of .500 basketball. But none of this matters. What matters is that CANADA HATES VINCE CARTER. In fact, December 17th, the day Vince Carter was finally traded away from the Raptors (in 2005) has been officially made into a Canadian holiday, known as “Vince is a Douche Day”. Canadians commemorate this special occasion by teaching their children why pouting and whining are bad for society and then going into the ol’ backyard and burning an effigy of Vince Carter, and singing special songs in French. Look it up on Wikipedia. In any event, there will be more booing at the Toronto home games than the last time Roseanne Barr chortled the National Anthem.
The Keystone Light Matchup: Chris Bosh vs. Mikki… Moore… ? Jason… Collins? Look for Bosh to be unstoppable in this series.
The Dos Equis Factors: Number one overall pick Andrea Bargnani has been rock solid in his rookie year. Between scoring the ball and setting up his teammates, he’s been a force. Honestly, I’m surprised he’s not getting more recognition in the ROY race. On the Nets side of the picture, yes, Richard Jefferson needs to put forth some solid games. but I’m really looking for Bostjan Nachbar to be the guy who makes a difference. He’s got a reliable jumper, he’s a fairly good finisher, but I look for his help defense on Chris Bosh to be a much-needed difference maker in this matchup.
Fearless Forecast: Raptors in seven.

Da Matchup: (4) Miami Heat (5) Chicago Bulls
The Story: The Bulls opened their regular season with a sodomizing blowout of the Heat. By virtue of losing a heartbreaker to the Nets to end the season ended up drawing the Heat in the first round. The Bulls have been dispatched in the first round for the last two seasons, despite scrappy play and strong defense. Miami almost looked to be coming apart at the seams after falling to 0-2 to these same Bulls, with players arguing with each other on the floor. Now, the defending champions, all older, less healthy and less motivated, face the same team in the first round.
The Keystone Light Matchup: Ben Wallace is the key new addition to the Bulls this year, and my smart money says he’ll be more effective than Luke Schenscher was at guarding Shaq. On the other hand, since D-Wade went down, Shaq’s been playing like the monster of old.
The Dos Equis Factors: For the Heat, it’s Dwyane Wade’s bum left shoulder. Wade is going to be slamming into a lot of people, as the Bulls run more pick and roll than possibly any team in the league not in San Antonio . For the Bulls, Ben Gordon’s streaky jump shot. If he settles for too many outside shots in lieu of running floaters down the lane against Shaq and Alonzo, the Bulls may very well die by the long ball.
Fearless Forecast: Bulls in six. Because I don’t like the Bulls’ chances in a game seven.

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Todd Lerner contributed to this article.

A Letter From the Editor

Allow me to be homerish for a moment, as I think about this past Sunday, Jackie Robinson day. Every Los Angeles Dodger wore uniform number 42, which along with being a terrific gesture, confused the hell out of me. Granted, I was working on the bottom half of a Captain Morgan's bottle, but that's not the point.

It was a beautiful evening. Beautiful weather. Hank Aaron, baseball's all-time home run king, and one of the greatest beneficiaries of Robinson's pioneering work was there. For a brief moment, I even considered putting the bottle down so that I might have a less hazy recollection of the day. Of course, I came to my senses and polished the rest of the Sugar Cane off.

Jackie Robinson died of complications from diabetes over 30 years ago. But his legacy is alive and well in every African American professional athlete. It wasn't just the Dodgers that wore his #42. Players all around baseball took part in the tribute.

The gesture seemed a small one, but significant in its subtlety. It was moment of beauty.

Then comes Monday. An act of unspeakable evil. The premature deaths of 33 people at the hands of someone indescribably wicked. A small Virginia town that will never be the same. 33 dead and countless grieving. How quickly a feeling of goodness, that by all rights should have lasted weeks, prolonged by continuing media blurbs to the tune of, "J.R. day was two weeks ago now, but man, wasn't it cool!?" turns to feeling of despair. Then anger. Partly because you have idiots from American Idol trying to gain sympathy votes with empty, "My heart goes out to those poor Va. Tech folks," speeches and partly because, yeah, there are sick sons of bitches out there to whom atrocities like this inexplicably don't seem wrong.

Back to the sports world. For everyone's sake, can we follow sport's example of how to show our sympathy, and share their grief? Any chance that we might be able to do this the right way? Can we wear the black armbands and observe the moments of silence, and can we not follow the mainstream media's lead on this one and plaster everything all over the front pages? Can we let the grieving do so in peace? Wear the armband. Share in the grief. And if you can, give to the charities. But for God's sake, leave those poor people be. They've gone through enough.

60 years ago, Dodger shortstop Pee Wee Reese put his arm around Jackie Robinson, a show of solidarity with his black teammate that the media couldn't get enough of. "What is he doing put his arm around that colored boy!"

Sometimes, the best treatment, the best analgesic, the only way to make the unbearable slightly less so, is an arm around the shoulder. A camera in the face certainly won't. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

The Biggest Rivalry in all of......Thousand Oaks

For Todd and I at 120, Clipper Laker games have nearly as much significance as the Superbowl... all 4 times they tip off each season. Our friend ClipperSteve at clipsnation.com asked us to write our take on the debacle game between two struggling local teams fighting for a playoff spot. We were going to decline in light of the fact that Thursday is a day that ends in "y" and therefore is a drinking day... but what the hell. Why not do both?

Recent History: The Clips have lost three on the bounce. The Lakers are losers of 4 out of their last 5, the only win coming agaist the Ray Allen-less Seattle Sonics. This has all the makings of a snoozer. Have two teams ever combined for fewer than 100 points in a game? Only an idiot would have bet the Over on this one. Which brings me to this exchange I had with Todd earlier.

Todd: You want the Over or Under?
TTG: What's the line?
Todd: 197
TTG: Over!

Surpisingly, I'm only now working on my first double of Macallan 12.

As soon as we tip off, we're gonna do a running diary... mainly because tomorrow, we'll be too hung over to remember that there even was a game.

First Quarter: Kevin Harlan, Doug Collins, and Cheryl Miller are the announcing crew. Not sure if we're happy with this yet.... but it beats the heck out of Ralph Lawler and Mike Smith, and whomever gets the ignominy of having to put up with Stu Lantz for an entire game.

Before Tipoff: Things aren't looking good for the Lakers. Phil Jackson is wearing a red and blue tie.

4 minutes gone: The Lakers are nothing for four from the charity stripe. Meanwhile, Elton Brand is unstoppable. It has taken this long for the Lakers to get their first defensive stop.

Kevin Harlan just pointed out that Corey Maggette is the Michaelangelo of the NBA. Chipping, carving, and cutting are apparently his strengths. Don't forget sculpting, Kevin.

The TNT announcing crew, in their infinite wisdom, just prognosticated that the Lakers were going to call a timeout. This couldn't possibly have had anything to do with the fact that Phil Jackson just walked onto the court, could it have now?

5:45 left: Smush Parker just passed up an open three pointer. I'm not sure if I imagined Phil Jackson yelling, "I'm gonna kill you!"

4:40 left: The Clippers are 11 for 12 from the floor and Doug Collins just came up with the gem, "The Lakers aren't playing very good defense." Nice detective work, Captain Obvious.

3:00 left: The Lakers are getting thoroughly outplayed and are down by nine. I just came up with the astute observation that I didn't bring enough scotch.

Todd just told me I am recording more Laker stuff than Clipper stuff. My response, "I bought the recorder."

1:30 left: Doug Collins just imparted the wisdom on us that the Lakers and Clippers play in the same building. Thanks, Doug!!!

Tim Thomas just checked in and missed a 4 footer. Todd very intelligently pointed out that Thomas has great trouble finishing from inside 25 feet.

End of quarter: The Clips have clearly been the better team but only lead by five. Something isn't right here.

Second Quarter: Todd threatens to kill me if I make this a Laker homer article....

10:30 left: Phil Jackson just did the two-pinky whistle. All he said afterward was, "Kobe!"

10:00 left: The Clips dust off old Sam Cassell, and the Lakers respond with bringing on Vladimir "Half Pipe" Radmanovic. He's wearing some kind of under armor that in no subtle way resembles snow gear. Not sure if this will be interesting or not...

Todd just made a very good observation. The Lakers are now leading by six, somehow, and their offense seems to be, "Throw it to whomever Sam Cassell is guarding."

How is it that Elton Brand was completely unstoppable in the first few minutes of the first quarter and his name hasn't been called for the last ten minutes.

Ronny Turiaf has been the primary defender on Elton Brand for most of this quarter. If he lacks anything resembling skill, you gotta say that he fights for every rebound like Homer Simpson for the last donut.

3:00 left: Todd just refused to pour me a refill on my rum and coke out of bitterness. Jerk...

2:00 left: Clips and Lakes have combined to go one for six from downtown. More importantly, Todd has finally agreed to refill my drink in light of the Clips making a spirited run.

Final Seconds: Corey Maggette, who shoots less than 20% from behind the arc, just drained consecutive threes. If there is a worse defensive team than the Lakers in any level above highschool, I challenge anyone to find them for me.

Halftime: Lakers lead 55-51. I have no idea how this has happened since the Clips are playing with decidedly more spirit and effort.

Third Quarter: Right off the bat, Jason Hart drives for a layup. Jason Hart? You have got to be kidding me.

::gunshots:: This is Todd Lerner reporting from 120 Proof. In light of the fact that Torsten the Great is slanting this too much toward the Lakers, I have decided to bust a cap in his ass. Wait.... he's still alive. Damn... Anyway, I'm worried about Kobe having more points than minutes played. Whatever. He can score 80 and they'll still lose.

Two and a half minutes gone: I've recovered from my wounds in time to report that Smush Parker has scored consecutive layups after consecutive steals. Todd is holding something resembling a weapon up to his temple. I can't blame him.

Phil Jackson gets one of his many close up shots. His soul patch is uneven and Mike Dunleavy's sunburn seems to be getting worse.

8:10 left: The Lakers have a 17 point lead. I have no idea how this has happened because at no point in this game have the Lakers looked like the better team. Todd just punched me for typing that because he's angry. I'm still scared...

Cuttino Mobely just got packed by Ronny Turiaf. The lack of a foul call was questionable which brings to light something. Is there anyone with a better combination of being a good player and not bitching about every call the refs make than Cuttino Mobely? I doubt it.

8:00 left: Smush just won a jump ball with Jason Hart... and authoritatively tipped the ball to Corey Maggette. I hate the Clippers...

Is there a better offensive rebounder in the game than Elton Brand? Doubtful. He just outjumped all five Lakers on the court, Phil Jackson, and 16 fans for a board he had no right to get. What do the Lakers have to give up to trade for him? Todd just kicked me. Hard.

6:17 left: Kobe just got fouled hard by Rony Turiaf and somehow, Cuttino Mobley got the credit for it. Two shots. Way to go, Ronny!!!!

We're more than half way through the 3rd quarter, and the Clips have not run a single post play for Elton Brand. Who forgot that he was practically unstoppable in the first quarter? Way to go, Dunleavy!!!

We just realized, Chris Kaman is conspicuous by his absence. TNT reports he has been taken for X-rays.

Todd just articulated, if the Clips don't use their obvious advantage in the post, Kobe, who already has 40 points, is going to kill them. I hope Dunleavy didn't hear that...

5:00 left: Clips are on a 13-2 run. I think Dunleavy heard Todd. I'm currently pissed.

4:30 left: Kobe has outscored his teammates 46-25. I'm worried.

Smush Parker just took no fewer than six steps without being called for travelling. Does that rule still exist?

3:00 left: The Clips have cut a 17 point deficit to 6. It almost seems like they've been toying with the Lakers. It's not like the blue and gold have anyone who can defend Brand, Maggette, and Mobley.

1:43 left: Elton Brand just made an impossible turnaround jumper over the entire Laker defense. I have absolutely no idea how this guy isn't MVP every single year.

40 sec. left: Todd's wife just got home. We'll see if this has any effect on the game. My bet is... yes.

Fourth Quarter: 46 points for Kobe. 32 for the rest of the team. Something doesn't seem positive about this. I need another rum and coke.

Jack Nicholson and Billy Crystal just made out on camera. It isn't the booze. They apparently have some love going on there. I don't like this one bit. This can only mean bad things for the Lakers. Nicholson is holding a bottle of Aquafina. There has to be vodka in there. Please, God. Tell me there's something other than H2O in there...

10 minutes left: Jordan Farmar, after hustling to grab an offensive rebound, inexpiclably tries to shoot over all five Clipper defenders and six cheerleaders. I think Summer, the one with the best rack, gets credit for the block. I'll have to check the box score later to be sure.

8 minutes left: Sam Cassell, the shortest guy on the floor not counting the refs, just got a rebound in the key. Everyone wearing a jersey should be humiliated...

Sasha Vujacic, who we didn't even know was in the building, just hit a three. Todd's wife just tried to stab herself in the trachea. Good thing she tripped over an empty 40 of Miller High Life I left on the floor. That coulda been ugly...

We have a commercial break. Kobe says the playoffs are all about, "win or go home." See ya on the golf course, Kobe. The Clips are making a run.

Doug Collins just reminded us that the Lakers and Clippers play in the same @#$%ing building. For some reason, Jack Kevorkian's work was deemed illegal. There has to be an appeals process on that. Please. God help us. We're not bad people...

7:58 left: Sasha Vujacic just committed an offensive foul trying to outjump Elton Brand for an offensive rebound. Hasn't he seen that Woody Harrelson movie?

Kobe just reached 50 points for the game. Only 98 more games to go before you catch Wilt the Stilt!!! Best of luck, douche...

7:30 left: Kobe just shot a 22' air ball over no defender over 5' 3".

7:10 left: Sam Cassell hits a 22 footer. Todd was calling for Cassell's excecution about 29 minutes ago... 16 seconds have gone by and Todd is calling for Sam's excecution again.

6:30 left: Corey just attempted an ill-advised blocked shot, and as a result, may naver have children again, courtesy of a knee to the jewels by Andrew Bynum.

4:15 left: I think Todd's wife's bird just took a dump on my chest. And the Lakers are letting it slip away. This is turning into a bad night.

3:00 left: I'm taking no responsibility for any writing from this point forward. The Clips are locking it up and I'm pissed.

This is Todd speaking to you. Torsten is attempting suicide with a fig leaf. My wife just threw just something at the TV because Smush Parker made a triple. I'm going to simultaneously attempt CPR and report on the game.

2:00 left: Clips are up six. Torsten is trying to find a balcony higher than four stories to jump off of. Meanwhile, Kobe and his 50+ points are winging up shots like Torsten in a Jack Daniels distillery.

All of a sudden, Smush Parker is the Lakers' biggest contributer, not hindered by the fact that Kobe has wantonly thrown up impossible shots on four consecutive possessions.

This is Torsten speaking to you again. In light of my unsuccessful suicide attempts, I've decided to put my tail between my legs and finish up. 1 minute left and the Lakers are 4 for 21 in the fourth quarter. Unofficially, Kobe has to have missed 16 of the 17 shots that went awry for the Lakers.

Corey Maggette just intentionally fouled Ronny Turiaf to send him to the line. To add insult to injury, he slapped Turiaf in the nipple. How messed up is that?

Turiaf just attempted a three pointer. What.....the......@#$%.

Game: Clips 118. Lakers 110. At least I hit my Over bet.

Review: The Lakers were up by 17 in the third quarter, and still the Clips always seemed to be the better team. ((Todd is convulsing in shock right now, at my admission that the Clips are probably the better team in Southern Cali.)) Sadly for me, and happily for Todd, the season series ends and two apiece. Even more sadly for me, the Clips, and not the Lakers, will be the team that goes farther in playoffs, given the opportunity. I will NEVER live this down. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Nappy-headed hos???

The Caucasian public is outraged! Some black sports radio personality had the audacity to call (enter name of predominately white college basketball team)'s players cracka-ass biznatches! As a result, Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer are leading protest marches outside of the station from which the show airs. Whites accross the nation are calling for the host to be fired. So far, he has been suspended for two weeks.

Our Take: Clearly, the preceding is fictional. But if I hear one more thing about Don Imus and his stupid/insulting comment about the Rutgers University women's basketball team, I'm going to lose my mind. Why is the news even reporting that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are leading protests? Do they still have any credibiilty? Did they ever have any? Here's the thing. Each race/creed/socioeconomic group in the world has a segment of it's population that's either stupid, ignorant, uneducated, toothless, or some combination thereof. For the whites, it's Jerry Springer. It seems to me that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are the black equivalent. First off, who has the audacity to call themselves "Reverend" when they have illegitimate children, or at the very least, have been busted red-handed having an extra-marital affair? I guess it's the same kind of person who wastes theirs and everyone with little better to do than listen to them's time by leading a protest march over the comments of some second-rate hack, radio talk show host. Is Don Imus a douchebag? Yes. We're his comments insensitive, rude, and insulting to a group of women (black AND white) who had accomplished something great? Absolutely. Do those women deserve an apology? You effin' betcha. Is Don Imus worth all this commotion? Only if you think it's worth it to put transgender crossdressers who date their ex-significant other's father, brother, and household pet at the same time on television. He's the Jerry Springer of sports radio.

How did they beat perezhilton.com to this?: British publication, The Sun is reporting that there may be something going on between Britney Spears and Laker forward Luke Walton. What's next? Smush Parker and Lindsey Lohan?

Our Take: You'd think she had a better chance with Kobe. His penchant for haggard white chicks has already been well publicized. Since Luke actually finished school before joining the NBA, and judging by the fact that he hasn't been lambasted in some scandal in the meantime, he ought to have the common sense to stop whatever it is, if in fact there is something going on. The Lakers' playoff hopes are looking bleak enough given the team's recent performances.

On the other hand: If Luke does in fact hook up with Britney, he's gonna have to have some kind of nickname along the lines of K-Fed. For some reason, though, L-Walt just doesn't have the same ring to it. Ideas, anyone?

More email crap: ESPN's Chad Ford recently said in so many words, that Kevin Durant has the best chance of any young player to be the NBA's next Michael Jordan type of superstar, with his combination of skill, talent, and personality. The following is an excerpt from an email conversation between Todd and myself.

Todd: Poor Kevin. Every time the media compares a young player to MJ, they end up destroying his career. It's like a curse. Penny Hardaway. Allan Houston. Vince Carter. Kobe Bryant. They're all either chronically injured or vilified by the fans.
Me: I don't know if that's necessarily the case. Besides, we both know Kobe is better than MJ. He just happened to have a better PR staff to hide his gambling, womanizing, and baby seal clubbing from the public.
Todd: I'ma kill you...

Final Thoughts: The NFL has suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones for the entire '07 season, and Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry for 8 games for separate off-field run-ins with the law. If Todd does actually follow through with his threat to off me, do you think he'll be suspended from 120? Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

How Not to Play Fantasy Basketball

It's a pretty well-known fact that at 120, we're pretty lame. Well, now you can add fantasy basketball to the list of things we suck at. Here's a trivia question for you. What do Ray Allen, Allen Iverson, Peja Stojakovic, and Baron Davis have in common? Two things. Firstly, they were expected to provide the lion's share of awesomeness for our fantasy team. Secondly, they all have spent significant amounts of time on the injured list with maladies ranging from crippling (Peja's bulging disk) to pussified (Baron's tooth owie). Now, it couldn't possibly take a rocket scientist to figure out that the vaunted 1985 Chicago Bears defense wouldn't have been nearly as good without Mike Singletary, The Fridge, and Richard Dent. You'd never have expected the St. Louis Cardinals to win last year's World Series if they hadn't had the services of Chris Carpenter, Jim Edmonds, and Albert Pujols. So how on Earth were the B-Jizzles supposed to win their fantasy league!? It just ain't fair. Anyway, to pour some salt (kosher, of course, in observance of Passover) in the wound, we suffered the following ignominies this fantasy season:

- We've lost to a team playing Matt Barnes in one of its forward slots.
- Twice, we've lost to teams fielding less than a full roster. Yes, that's right. Teams have actually played fewer than their maximum allowable allotment of players and still dominated us.
- At various points this season, we've fielded a team with some combination of Steven Hunter, Dorrell Wright, Lorenzen Wright, Darko, Quinton Ross, James Posey, and my Uncle Manfred (who incidentally got us more points than Ross one night, when a turnover was the lone registerable stat on his line).
- Finally, last week's tie was the best result we've had in the previous 8, and that was after not even checking our lineup for a month. And yes, it was against a team fielding an injured Jamal Crawford, the corpse of Brent Barry and an empty Forward slot. Oh, the ignominy.

NC-double C-minus: Normally, I'd rather watch synchronized swimming than college hoops, but last night's final between Ohio State and defending champs Florida had all the makings of a barnburner...until it blew. Yeah, Florida played well, but there was never any drama. There was never a doubt in the outcome. It looked like OSU took 3-point shooting lessons from Mark Madsen. Greg Oden was outplayed by Florida's three-headed frontcourt monster, led by Joakim Noah. Actually, that brings me to my next point.

As Bill Simmons so eloquently plagiarized from our D to the Izzle interview, Noah is likely to be the number 3 "consolation prize" in the upcoming draft behind Oden and Kevin Durant. Since we at 120 are generally right about next to nothing, it feels good to be the only ones who didn't jump off the Noah bandwagon after he had a subpar January and February. The likely first pick in last year's draft had he left school had fallen all the way into the teens on most of the experts' draft boards. But not us. Cuz' we rule.

Shot of the Week: Goes to whoever it was that came up with the idea to post Kobe scores 97 April Fools joke. Despite the fact that the article clearly states that it's a gag, some rabid Kobe fans couldn't be bothered with reading that far into the article. Some of the comments were priceless. Kobe roolz! Lolz!!!!!11!!!!! I hate people. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.