Power Drinkings

Why on Earth would we at 120 do an NBA Power Rankings article?  Seriously. It's not as if we consider ourselves legit or anything.  But seriously, this NBA Summer can only be described as a Jerry Springer episode.  Kevin Garnett switched conferences, Kobe failed (so far) in his attempt to flee Lakerland, followed by the knock-down-drag out saga of MSG vs. Anucha Browne-Sanders, the tragic death of Eddie Griffin, and finally, the apparent return to prominence of the USA national team. 

Now, we'll admit it.  We're really only writing this because we've seen other power rankings articles pop up on various sports sites, and we have an inferiority complex.  That, and those that have written them so far have put such an appalling lack of effort/research into them, that even on two jugs of Carlo Rossi our insight should look Einsteinian. 

Take this article by Mark Stein of ESPN.com.  Not that the Lakers are championship material by any stretch, but to have them ranked behind both Milwaukee and the Bobcats can only be explained in one way. 

Hmmmm, who should I put at 18. How about the Bobcats! For an embryonic franchise, they've really shown signs of... embryonic... why do I suddenly feel like I'm missing something? Embryonic. Embryos come from semen, semen comes from sex with ugly white women, sex with ugly white... KOBE ! Dammit! How did I forget the Lakers?! Ah, screw it. I'll just slot them in at 19 and maybe no one will notice.

And one more thing.  In an attempt to delay the inevitable fistfight over who should be number 2 instead of 3, Todd and I will be doing this via reverse order and process of elimination.  Vodka anyone?

The Popov:  Hey, there may not be an Oden or Durant to hope for this year, but I'm sure that won't do much to stop the tanking after a couple months for these teams.

30. Portland Trail Blazers

The Good News:  Not much.  Winning the draft lottery and getting Greg Oden, only to lose him to microfracture surgery for the season is kind of like giving us a Finlandia and Tonic, only to yank it out of our hands before we can drink it.  On the bright side, they're our favorite to get the most ping pong balls in next year's lottery, and might very well have the luxury of going into the future sporting back-to-back first overall picks.
The Bad News:  They traded their most productive player, the top pick is shelved for the year,  and the state of Oregon is sorely lacking in good bars.   As young teams are prone to do, they'll struggle mightily. With all the young talent on the roster, and another top five pick likely on the way, they'll be very good one day.  It just won't be this day.  18-64

29. Sacramento Kings

The Good News: Well, nothing. This once-proud franchise continues to dissolve, as a clear leader at PF hasn’t been established between Shareef Abdur-Rahim and the reprehensible Kenny Thomas. After multiple attempts to give him away, the team continues to be stuck with ticking time bomb Artest, and Mike Bibby is coming off an awful year and rumors that the team would have been happy to trade him for Jason Kidd. Well, at least they drafted an unathletic white guy named Spencer Hawes and signed Mikki Moore.
The Bad: Well, outside of Kevin Martin not completely sucking, the team continues to wear purple, and most of the cheerleaders and Mike Bibby continue to look like Bea Arthur.
AIDS Epidemic News: Not only did the Kings draft the second coming of Shawn Bradley, but he comes equipped with a history of knee problems. Did I mention he’ll be Greg Oden’s Halo 3 partner this season? Hey, hot tip: If you're scouting for a professional team, and you're looking at a prospect who's already had microfracture surgery on his knee at 14, you might wanna keep lookin'. By the way, who the hell gets microfracture surgery at age 14, anyhow? Is that even legal? You know, my nephew had a real promising pitching career ahead of him before he went in for Tommy John surgery at eight. Never did throw the same… 19-63

28. Indiana Pacers

The Good News:  Well, they still have Jermaine O'Neal.  But that's kind of like saying, "Well, we still have a case of Heineken." at the party after the free-loaders already downed all the Grey Goose and Stella.  They'll likely trade him before the deadline for picks and/or prospects.
The Bad News:  Larry Bird is essentially the white Isaiah Thomas, minus the sexual harrassment and stuff.  We understand the whole "overhaul the roster and remake the image of the franchise" deal.  But is it necessary to pick up two of the worst contracts in basketball (see Junior Dunleavy and Troy Murphy) and alienate the one star-quality player on your team in the process?  Record-wise, they may not finish as bad as we have them, but they've free-fallen since the Reggie days.
The Interesting Possibility News:  Somewhere out there, some genius GM is plotting a three team trade involving Indiana and New York where he nets David Lee and Jeff Foster, just so he can ensure that nobody on the other team ever grabs a single rebound.  Somebody PLEASE make this happen.  20-62.

27. Minnesota Timberwolves

The Good News:  You can't really say that there's a lot of good in trading your franchise player away.  But hey, despite waiting at least one year too long to make this trade, they still got decent return for KG in the form of Al Jefferson, one of the game's rising young stars and a devastating post presence.  Also, if you buy into the "Defense Wins Championships" mantra, they did well to nab Corey Brewer in the draft.
The Bad News:  When you win only 32 games WITH one of the best players of this generation, and then trade him in the off-season, you usually don't improve.  The acquisition of Juwan Howard, who was last good in the Clinton administration, was questionable at best.  Lastly, no team with Kevin McHale making the decisions will ever have any measurable success.  He's like the white Isaiah Thomas.  Wait, I already used that one for Larry Bird?  Crap.  Okay, he's basketball's version of Matt Millen.
The Are You Kidding Me News:  Now, nobody on the T-Wolves will admit this, but they drafted a guy in the second round named Chris Richard, and it appears they did so because Mark Madsen faces spending the first part of the season on IR due to an injury.  Let me get this straight.  You spent a second round pick on a guy to make up for the loss of Mark effin Madsen?  Never mind trading KG but losing Mark Madsen???  That's gonna be the real reason they finish with one of the league's worst records this season, you wait and see.  Their record will be worse than Indiana's but they get a bonus points because their young guns will get a lot of experience.  22-60.

26. Memphis Grizzlies

The Good News:  Juan Carlos Navarro was an absolute steal, and offers the added benefit of being Pau Gasol's close buddy from the Spanish national team.  Plus, the Darko Milicic signing was probably the bargain of the offseason.  At the very least, he'll be a shot-blocking, rebounding machine in the paint.  At best... well, let's be realistic.  But there's no reason to believe that he shouldn't be mentioned in the same sentence as Shawn Marion and Andrei Kirilenko when it comes to defensive prowess.  This is the year he proves it.
The Bad News:  They still suck.  Teams were knocking down their door at the trade deadline last season about acquiring Gasol.  When healthy, Gasol is a complete player, and would likely be considered a superstar if he got more exposure.  But he's injury prone and slight, so all that banging he does in the post virtually guarantees him of missing portions of every season.  Now, if Memphis can just get Milicic to do all that banging for him...
Coincidental News:  Imagine Darko about a foot shorter, with a bit more of a sloped forehead (think Geico Caveman without the beard), and a mean streak, and you get Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United's bruising and brilliant central defender and noted cheap shot artist.  24-58.
 
25. Los Angeles Clippers

The Good News:  Well, they drafted pretty well.  Al Thornton is an athletic, 6’8” wing with wide shoulders who can clean the glass; basically, the Clips are replacing Corey Maggette before he bolts.  They also drafted a promising, if undersized, point guard in Jared Jordan and promptly traded him to New York for an undersized point guard named Dan Dickau who isn’t the least bit promising.
The Bad News:  The Clippers entered the offseason as headless horsemen with Shawn Livingston’s leg looking like a scene from Hostel and Sam Cassell on life support.  In the ensuing months, Elton Brand snapped his achilles, and the team’s biggest signings have been circus midget Brevin Knight, a convicted sex offender, and Dan Dickau.  Tim Thomas will be relied on this season to add new facets to his game, such as defense and rebounding.  But while many have the Clips keyed in as front-runners for the first pick in the 2008 NBA draft, here at 120 proof, we’re convinced that the Clippers will somehow manage to screw that up too.
Obnoxious News: Leave it to Isaiah Thomas to waive Dickau, arrange a trade for the Clips' Jared Jordan, and then proceed to waive his ass two weeks later. He's like that bully who used to beat you up and take your lunch money, only to proceed to tear up the dollar bills in front of your face. Wait, you didn't have that guy too?  28-54

The Smirnoff: Still pretty nasty, all things considered, but with just the right splash of cranberry, tonic, and roofie, it's nearly palatable. 

24. Milwaukee Bucks

Editors Disclaimer: There are two forecasts that I have a sneaking suspicion might bite me in the ass like Marv Albert on steroids. This is the first of them.

The Good News:  Other than flopping like a Chinese Vlade Divac, Yi Jianlian actually seems to have the talent to justify his high pick.  And there's at least a 4% chance that Bobby Simmons will be healthy.  If that wasn't enough, they actually kept Charlie Villanueva, who might possibly have the greatest disparity between talent (abundance) and work ethic (non-existent) of anyone in NBA history.
The Bad News:  Their best player is still Michael Redd.  And not that he's bad...  well, you see, if you rely that heavily on someone who is really only an outside shooter, you run the risk...  Damn... GOT OT!  They have a guy named Awvee on their roster!!! Awvee Storey!!!!!  The worst player this side of Royal Ivey!  Who is ALSO on the roster!!!  ::sigh::  In reality, this team has talent and not just a little of it.  However, it does take more than talent to reach the post season.  It takes wins.  And wins come from experience.  They have one more year of struggling ahead of them before they're semi-legitimate.
Like Spotting a Rare Bird:  In addition to Ivey, and Storey, they also have Samaki Walker, who isn't merely bad.  He's historically diabolical.  Last season for Indiana, albeit in just a handful of games, he succeeded in making 0% of his field goal attempts.  In his defense, he DID make both of his free throws. [Ed. - Walker was unforturnately waived during the writing of this article. He will be missed for comedic reasons.] 31-51
 
23. Atlanta Hawks

The Good News:  For the first time in recorded history, managed to not to be the laughingstock of the NBA draft.  Addressed gaping holes at PF and PG by drafting Al Horford and Acie Law, respectively.
The Bad News:  Owners spend more time drafting lawsuits than scouting draft picks.  Also, teams with rookies in the starting lineups don’t win very many games in the NBA.  It probably doesn’t help that, outside of Joe Johnson, the Hawks’ starting five doesn’t feature a single guy who can hit a jump shot, either; outside of Joe, nobody else has averaged over 25% on 3-pointers in an NBA season, Speedy Claxton included.  Still, this much athleticism and rebounding should be good for some wins in the east.  31-51.
Editor's Note: And Torsten would like to thank Todd for bailing him out on having to make that pick, as he is deathly afraid that Atlanta's first decent draft this presidential administration ("decent" admittedly being an understatement) might turn them into a pseudo-contender in the abysmal East.)

22. Philadelphia 76rs

The Good News:  No Allen Iverson.  Yes, we know that's old news, but we have to reach here.  Other than Andre Iguodala getting to justify his high draft selection by having a fine second half last year, this team has been stagnant.  Their most impactful off-season acquisition is Jason Smith, their number one pick, who is essentially a white Yi Jianlian except not as good.
The Bad News:  Their front office is appallingly awful.  We kid about... okay, we're serious when we say Zeke, Kupchak, McHale and company are diabolical.  But Billy King has to take at least a large piece of the cake.  At least Zeke can point to David Lee and say, "Look here, you black bitch, I drafted him!"  What can Billy King say?  Nothing.
The I Didn't Know He Was Still In The League News:  I just realized 76-year-old Kevin Ollie is on their roster.  Does anyone have a worse back-up point-guard situation than the Sixers?  For crying out loud, where is Von Wafer when you need him? [Ed. Note: Von Wafer is currently playing preseason games for the Denver Nuggets, if you really care.] 33-49
 
21. Charlotte Bobcats

The Good News:  In a Summer that saw KG and Ray Allen switch conferences, Rashard Lewis get a max deal, and Isaiah Thomas successfully embarrass an entire state, the acquisition of Jason Richardson by the Cats went fairly unnoticed.  But it might turn out to be the coup of all the off-season deals.  He's the real deal, and plays both ends of the court. Also, Argentine Walter "I have the least Argentine name ever" Herrmann is one the league's best unknown hustle guys in the mold of a David Lee or Jeff Foster.
The Bad News:  The league's 4 worst defensive players (in this order) are Matt Carroll, Vladimir Radmanovic, Adam Morrison, and Mike Dunleavy Jr.  That means the Cats have half of the league's bottom 4 defenders, and you could make a case for Primoz Brezec.  That is scarily bad.  Sean May, who bears a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson with more pigment, is done for the year after three Butterball Hams and some micro fracture surgery.
Fearless Forecast:  Okay, so it's not totally fearless if you qualify it, but Emeka Okafor will lead the league in blocks AND win the award for Best Defensive Player.  That is, of course, if he can keep is dodgey back healthy.  Which is about as likely as us keeping our dodgey livers unBacardi-saturated.  34-48
 
20. Seattle Supersonics

The Good News:  Their roster is loaded with ridiculous upside.  Durant is as close to a sure thing as you can find, and he’s been tearing it up in the preseason.  I love how the Sonics are employing him, too; here’s a guy who’s 6’10” and they stick him at shooting guard.  I guess they figure, “We haven’t had an interior presence since the Cold War, why start now?”  My guess is, Kevin isn’t complaining. The Sonics also picked up rookie Jeff Green in the Ray Allen deal, and are seemingly always one council vote from packing up and moving to Vegas.  You know, because young, impressionable pro athletes need to be exposed to more gambling, alcohol, and prostitution.  They're coming into all kinds of cap room.  There's nowhere to go but up.
The Bad News:  For any immediate success, they'll be depending heavily on big contributions from guys like Chris Wilcox, Robert Swift, Earl Watson, and Nick Collison.  That's kind of like a high school junior relying on his family's priest to hook up the booze for the parents-are-out-of-town party.
The Ass-Backward News:  Usually, you can look at a team's highest paid players, and they should rank toward the top of the team's skill hierarchy.  Wally Szczerbiak needs to hang onto that dream. 
 
19. NOOCH

The Good News:  They've had the most awesome acronym of any team in sports history.  Unless you count the fabled athletic program of the South Harmon Institute of Technology...  Four words.  Tyson Chandler.  Chris Paul.  The future of this franchise AND the U.S. National Team are playing together in the odd location of New Orleans.  Also, the rumor that Chandler swallowed Jannero Pargo whole while stuffing an offensive board during practice turned out to be untrue.
The Bad News:  With apologies to Rasual Butler and the perpetually injured Peja Stojakovic, the rest of the roster is filled with 12th men.  The fans will get to see some incredible one-two stuff from Paul and Chandler, but that doesn't usually translate into an above .500 record.  Plus, they're no longer in Oklahoma City, and we'll tell you what... O.C. comes a very close second to Golden State in having the most rabid, electric, (enter synonym for awesome here) fans in basketball.
The "If we were betting men" News:  Okay, here's the quandry.  A healthy Peja (that's one of those jumbo shrimp things, isn't it?) and his 15-20 points per game completely jacks up the line on their over/under for wins.  Keep an eye on their injury reports, and if the news is good on him, lay some... uh...credits on the over in Vegas.  They're a sleeper.  36-46.
 
18. Golden State Warriors

The Good News:  The team with the best fanbase in the league re-signed Matt Barnes for $7.50/hour and 50% off at the concession stands.  Their first round draft pick, Brandon Wright is a 6-9 big with a pretty jump hook, but we question whether he can defend at the NBA level.  Overseas pick Marco Bellinelli has my new favorite name to hear in NBA Live 08, since it’s pronounced Belly-Nelly.  (Previously was Andrea Bargnani, who Marv Albert hilariously pronounced with a hard “G”.  BARG-Nanny for three!)  Kelenna Azubuike looks to be a fantasy sleeper with an expanded role due.  But, most importantly, signed Pat Burke.  Let’s hope that he doesn’t get any of his Hair Restoration Tonic on Baron Davis’s face, lest his beard transform from the level of Leonidas to that of the Ayatollah Khomeini.
The Bad News:  Brandon Wright cost the team Jason Richardson and his 18 points per game. According to the results of his training camp physical, Monta Ellis still hasn’t reached puberty.  Andris Biedrins makes Ben Wallace and Shaq grimace when he sets up free throws.  Building a team around Baron Davis’s health and Stephen Jackson’s sanity is like planning a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and Stevie Wonder.
Signs of the Apocalypse:  Is nobody else horrified that Chris Mullin allowed Coach Don Nelson to successfully hold out for more money after a smattering of playoff success?  Look, Chris, you’re not contending for a title this season or next, just call the guy’s bluff, void his contract a find a new coach.  At least we know who’s wearing the pants in Oakland this season, folks.  Here’s what I want to know:  Come January, when Isaiah Thomas is desperately trying to get out from under Zach Randolph’s contract, does he still go through the formality of calling Chris Mullin to discuss trade scenarios, or can he just call Nelson directly on his cell phone?  39-43
 
17. New York Knicks

The Good News:  All five defenders on the floor for the opposing team will have to guard the Eddy Curry/Zach Randolph two-headed monster in the post.  In a related note, 6 new Burger Kings opened within a 1 block radius of Madison Square Garden.  And if you follow up 12 shots of Patron and 200 buffalo wings with half a Xanax, Renaldo Balkman looks just about talented enough to bring Zeke's "Good Roster Moves" total to 3, joining the drafting of David Lee and the jettisoning of the unmotivated Channing Frye to Portland.
The Bad News:  With all the attention that will need to be given to Curry and Randolph, open jumpers should be widely available.  Unfortunately, they'll be relying on the talented but erratic Jamal Crawford to hit 'em.  Sure, about once a month, J.C. will drop 48 points on 11-13 from behind the arc on you, but he's also prone to those 7 points on 3-16 from the field games.
The Rhetorical Hyperbole News:  In case you were wondering, rhetorical hyperbole is the case law that allows tabloid magazines to publish headlines claiming that some hot young starlet is having sex with aliens and not get sued.  See, their reputation is such that no reasonable persons shall regard their assertions as truthful.  Which brings me to the headline I saw about Allan Houston attempting a comeback with the Knicks.  Surely, this had to be a joke... except for the fact that reputable publications were saying it.  There are way too many jokes here with zero degree of difficulty so I won't bother with any of them.  But the truly humorous thing is that with a roster constisting of players like Jerome James, Randolph Morris, Fred Jones, Mardy Collins and others, it's not far-fetched at all that Houston may catch on.  That, and the towel boy just rejected Zeke's offer of the full mid-level.  40-42
 
16. Toronto Raptors

The Good News:  Well, Jason Kidd annointed the defending Atlantic Division champs as the team to beat!  Can anyone say reverse psychology?  They added Carlos Delfino in their continued quest to make their entire roster up of foreign guys, and sharp-shooting Jason Kapono through free agency. But with Anthony Parker, Andrea Bargnani, and TJ Ford already aboard, that was kinda like Oprah downing a box of Krispy Kremes.
The Bad News:  The Celtics improved dramatically, and Nets figure to if Nenad Krstic stays healthy, and the Raptors seemed content to stand pat with what they had.  It's kinda like this.  It's not like Kelly Pickler had a bad rack before, but sometimes you just have to upgrade!  Chris Bosh has a sore knee, and no word on whether anyone has located Jorge Garbajosa's ankle yet either.
The Oh Canada News:  Todd and I just had the following exchange.
Todd: I think we should slot in Toronto next.
Me: Sounds good. Wait, they have a team?
Todd: Yeah, the Raptors.
Me: Oh. That's right.
Todd: Canada's great hope.
Me: Canada has a team?
Todd: Uh, yeah. Toronto.
Me: Toronto is in Canda?  41-41

15. Miami Heat

The Good News:  Any team featuring Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley can't possibly miss the playoffs.  Rumors about Alonzo Mourning's retirement were apparently untrue, and the acquisition of Penny Hardaway sent the team's unintentional comedy potential through the roof.  What's the over/under for how many games it takes Penny to blow out a knee after getting an arm lodged in a roll of Shaq's fat?
The Bad News:  Too much to cover everything, but we'll start with Antoine Walker making Shaq look like Kate Moss.  Also, Udonis Haslem and Marcus Slaughter need to trade last names for optimum intimidation factor.  Would you mess with someone named Udonis Slaughter?  Didn't think so.  In addition, the departure of Jason Kapono to the aforementioned Raptors leaves the team without anything even resembling a perimeter threat.  Last, and most certainly not least, if the trend in Shaq's free throw shooting continues, he may be the first player ever to finish with a negative percentage.
The Editor's Note News: Completely screwing up these entire rankings, during our writing process, Miami traded Anoine Walker and spare parts to Minnesota for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount. Screw it. 41-41

14. Los Angeles Lakers

The Good News:  Nothing.  Not a single thing.  At the risk of sounding like a bitter homer, we're implementing a special header for the purple and gold.
The Not Catastrophic News:  No team with a fairly healthy Kobe Bryant on it will ever win fewer than 41 games.  Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown, Luke Walton, and Lamar Odom all missed significant portions, or the entirety in Mihm's case, of last season, and seem to be pretty healthy.  While only Odom qualfies as "good", they should all contribute.
The Bad News:  They drastically overpaid for Derek Fisher, to the tune of 417,910 bottles of Glenfiddich over 3 years.  Kobe may already have one foot out the door, depending on who you believe.  And no team with a front office so inept will ever win more than 50 games.  Ever.  Even if Javaris Crittendon becomes the next Scottie Pippen, Odom turns into a 25 point, 13 rebound a night guy instead of just "good", and Kobe gets his first career assist, 50 is the ceiling.  Unless Jim Buss gets hit by one -- then I might bump it to 51.
The Homer Corner News:  No trade in which Kobe leaves is going to immediately improve the team.  However, I had a mini orgasm with this possibility.  Kobe to Charlotte for Emeka Okafor, Matt Carroll, Ray Felton, and whatever bit parts needed for the salaries to match. [Ed. Note: This isn't actually possible, but let Torsten dream.]  Pass the Kleenex, a Bombay Sapphire martini, and a lit Marlboro please. 42-40

13. Detroit Pistons

The Good News: Rodney Stuckey may be steal at # 15 in the draft, as a true combo guard. Acquired Jarvis Hayes to provide additional backup for Tayshaun Prince.
The Bad News: With the departure of Chris Webber and Carlos Delfino, their roster takes the depth out of depth chart, rookies aside. The Pistons no longer have a true center in their starting five. Rasheed Wallace will be forced to play the 5, with Jason Maxiell playing the 4 and Nazr Mohammed coming off the bench. The Pistons went an entire season in 06-07 without a significant injury, and their aging core is due for a reckoning. If things are going poorly come the new year, expect a blockbuster trade from Joe Dumars to shake things up in the Motor City.
Blame It On the Sauce: Only at 120 Proof Ball do our Power Rankings factor in injuries which haven’t happened yet. 44-38

12. Houston Rockets

The Good News: Prepared to jettison Rafer Alston by shoring up the point guard position and aquiring Steve Francis and Mike James. Filled the head coaching position with Kings' veteran Rick Adelman.
The Bad News: The left hand isn’t talking to the right. Rick Adelman has declared that he has a massive boner for Rafer Alston, now that he's seen him in practice. Shipped Juwan Howard to the Wolves in the Mike James trade, leaving Shane Battier and Bonzi Wells even less help in the frontcourt.
Fun Fact: Dikembe Mutumbo has been in the league since 1991, or, "the last time a president named George Bush was contemplating pulling out of the Middle East, and a democrat named Clinton was expressing an interest in the oval office." It's good to know we've come a long way. 45-37

11. Orlando Magic

The Good News: While the massive overpayment of Rashard Lewis ranks among the best of the off-season's best blog fodder, it at least improved the team in the short term. Dwight Howard remains the best player named Dwight in the entire Easter Conference, and the most significant improvements made by Eastern teams were made by teams not in their division. If they get off to a good start, holding off Washington for home court is far from a stretch.
The Bad News: This team's strength was its interior defense with Howard and Darko Milicic. They can use the argument that sacrifices had to made to acquire much needed offense in Lewis, but Darko could have been retained on the comparative cheap and he still has tons of unrealized potential. The signing of Adonal Foyle, who sounds more like a primitive fencing implement than anything else, will do little to nothing to mitigate Darko's loss.
Under The Radar News: Not to keep harping on the Lewis deal, but the main reason they could pay him so much was the departure of walking malady, Grant Hill. For all his talent, Hill couldn't stay healthy enough to play much. Not that Lewis is the posterchild for durability, but he's less likely to cause the entirety of central Florida to develop a drinking problem. 47-35

10. Washington Wizards

The Good News: Drafted Nick Young out of USC, who brings a confident jumper and a versatile 6'6" swingman frame. Retained the services of DeShawn Stevenson for an Xbox360, a copy of Halo 3, and an agreement to run up Agent Zero's online score for 8 hours a day. Olesky Pecherov looks poised and ready to challenge all comers for the record for number of Unwarranted Comparisons to Ardyvas Sabonis Based Purely on Name.
The Bad News: This roster still can't play a lick of defense and I'm still not convinced that Eddie Jordan can coach his way out of a paper bag. I've got nothing here, so I'll just reference the fact that over 50% of rabid Wizards fans don't believe the Wizards will win more than 50 games this season.
Fun Fact: Stacy King, during a broadcast last week, favorably compared Pecherov to Stewie from Family Guy. Its too bad Stacy wasn't being guarded by megalomaniacal two-year-olds when he was active player, or he might have had a longer career. 47-35



9. Cleveland Cavaliers

The Good News: Well, they're the defending Eastern Conference champs. And rumor has it, King James was so upset after the reaming his team took from the Spurs in last season's finals that he immediately hit the gym and tried to perfect his jumper. He also won $20 bucks from Tim Donaghy in a bet that he could bench-press the Statue of Liberty.
The Bad News: You would think that after coming within one series of winning it all, a team would do something to improve. The Cavs, apparently, disagree. They did jack squat. You could even argue they're worse off since Big Z is another year older, Anderson Varejao is in a contract dispute that's keeping him out of camp, and they recently made public that Sasha Pavlovic, arguably their best performer in the playoffs other than LeBron, is on the trading block. Wow. Did we just put a team at number nine who ranks Sasha Pavlovic among it's best players? Pass the Ipecac.
Don't Tase Me Bro!!!: Last season, Ira Newble led the team in 3-point percentage. Okay, if Ira Newble leads your team in ANYTHING, you have serious problems. 48-34

The Absolut: Now we're starting to hit the quality booze. You can quaff this straight up and not become instantaneously nauseous. Or in other words, you can actually watch these teams play and not want to gouge your eyes out with a staple remover. Or in more other words, these teams don't need to make any drastic adjustments to their rosters to be competitive. Drink up.

8. New Jersey Nets

The Good News: A healthy Nenad Krstic gives them the most players that could be confused for a testicle in the entire league... and a decent presence at the center position. Vince Carter and Jason Kidd are still in town, which means the team is going to give it one more shot at an Eastern Conference title despite an aging and largely untalented roster past the first few guys.
The Bad News: Other than the return of Gonad, they didn't do much to improve the roster. Conversely, division rival Boston loaded theirs by adding KG and Ray Allen. Also, Bostjan Nachbar of NBA Live awesomeness was a DNP, Coaches Decision the other day against the Knicks. That actually doesn't mean much for the team, but he was instrumental in the only time I creamed Todd at the aforementioned PS 2 game.
Given the Finger: It doesn't appear that authorities are able to confirm a young woman's claim that Jason Kidd grabbed her vag in a Manhattan nightclub. It turns out, though, that the same woman filed another claim against a different club goer the night following Kidd's alleged run-by molesting. There is no truth to the rumor that the second alleged offender was Kidd in disguise. 50-32

7. Denver Nuggets

The Good News: Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony the entire offseason to mesh as friends and teammates. And by mesh, I absolutely mean puff the Maui Wowie and watch "Friday".
The Bad News: Exchanging Steve Blake for the walking corpse of Chucky Atkins fails to resemble a "lateral move". Traded rebounding monster Reggie Evans for Philadelphia's spare parts -- Steven Hunter and Bobby Jones. As a guy who picked up Steven Hunter off the waiver wire last season in my fantasy league, if you're a Nuggets fan and you're excited about all of Hunter's unlocked potential, relax, somebody threw away the key a long time ago.
The Not Surprising News: J.R. Smith already managed to pick up three game suspension for mysterious events unknown. In a league where you can bang a G.M.'s daughter and still coach the team, I can only imagine what wrongdoings would call for such hush-hush dealings. 52-30

6. Utah Jazz

The Good News: At first glance, their roster scarily resembles that of the Indiana Pacers. But then the realization hits you. Wait! Their white guys are actually good and not overpaid! Andrei Kirilenko, one of the best all around players in the league, has softened his stance on leaving and if Coach Jerry Sloan actually decides to use him, the Jazz can really make a run at the conference. You know, if the entire Suns, Spurs, and Mavs rosters go on a snowboarding trip with Vladimir Radmanovic.
The Bad News: The Jazz are extremely worried about the troublesome knee of Matt Harpring, one of the aforementioned not overpaid and not overrated white guys. Harpring may not be a household name, but the team relies heavily on his and Gordan Giricek's 3 point shooting to spread the floor and keep teams from doubling Carlos Boozer in the post.
Take it to the bank: This is the season Deron Williams breaks out and averages 25 points and 12 assists. Ladies and gentlemen, your more pigmented Steve Nash. This guy is so good, there's a distinct possibilty the league may have to change a rule here and there to level the playing field. 54-28

5. Boston Celtics
The Good News: Called in a favor from former Celtic legend Kevin McHale and landed KG, despite better offers from other teams sitting on Minnesota's table. Basically traded Wally Szczerbiak for Ray Allen, which could be seen as a shrewd move.
The Bad News: The remaining roster resembles a block of Jarlsberg. Danny Ainge has attempted to plug the holes with other teams' trash - Scot "Hey kids, do drugs!" Pollard, Eddie "Pass me the rock!" House, and James "Cheap Shot" Posey. Meanwhile, is Rajon Rondo ready to be a full-time starter at point guard for a "contender" in the east? At least he won't have time finding rookie Glen Davis for an inside pass -- he's so fat, he needs a VCR for a pager.
The "Hello, McFly?!" News: With everybody and their half-brother in Boston taking out a second mortgage and selling a kidney for season tickets, we wonder if anybody has realized that the captain of this luxury cruise liner is still named Doc Rivers. Hey, what's that large icy object up ahead?

The Belvedere: For a coal miner, the sun shines especially bright on the weekends. I really have no idea where I'm going with that, but for me, Belvedere shines like a..... what I mean is... ah, just pass me the damn bottle.



4. Phoenix Suns

The Good News: Adding Grant Hill to their rotation is basically the equivalent of adding hooters to Kate Hudson. She's already effin hot, but hey! Why not! After initially voicing his discontent, Shawn Marion has decided to stick it out with the suns. Which is kind of like Kate Hudson with her new hooters telling you she wants to leave you, and then coming back for one more rumble in the sack. Booyah! This also could be the big breakout year for Leandro Barbosa, which is kind of like your girlfriend Kate Hudson telling you, "Hey, I know I'm hot and all but I wanna be even hotter for you so I'm gonna go buy big new hooters."
The Bad News: Raja Bell and Marion are excellent defenders, but the rest of the team's D ranges from cringe-worthily awful to merely poor. That's thanks largely in part to the departure of Kurt Thomas, who despite spending much of the past couple of seasons injured, was the only guy on the roster who could contain the West's plethora of talented PFs and centers.
The Look the 'Eff Out News: It's unlikely, but given the idiocy of the Lakers' front office, a Kobe trade here is not out of the question. They could package Barbosa with some other pieces and picks, and they'd be a lock to win the next 5 championships. Hey, we're just sayin. 58-24.

3. Chicago Bulls

The Good News: After their embarrassing loss to the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Championships, the Bulls quietly continued to improve their nucleus in the offseason. In a case of addition by subtraction, P.J. Brown was not resigned, and the void left at power forward looks to be filled from within by human fly-swatter Tyrus Thomas, or free agent signing Joe Smith. Ben Wallace may be in the sunset period of his career, but the five position should be bolstered by the drafting of Gator star Joakim Noah, the final dividend of the Eddy Curry trade. With Cleveland standing pat, Detroit playing Injury Russian Roulette and Miami continuing to make short-sighted win-now moves, the Bulls appear to be the team to beat in the East. ::Gunshots:: Torsten reporting in. Todd appears to have been overcome with a case of acute homerism, and I’ve been forced to end him.
The Bad News: Whether Tyrus Thomas or Joakim Noah can fill the bill of “reliable post scorer” remains to be seen, but we wouldn’t be surprised if Scott Skiles runs some more plays for Luol Deng in the paint regardless.
Similarity Scores Strike Again: Before Todd gets too excited about the Joe Smith signing, it’s worth noting that basketballreference.com has statistically derived that, at this stage in his career, Joe most resembles Mike Gminski. Start shaking the champagne bottles now, Chicago.



2. Dallas Mavericks

The Good News: The roster which compiled last season's best regular season record by a long shot is still largely intact. They addressed perimeter defense, their only evident weakness if you don't count Dirk Nowitzki's Houdini act in any game resembling importance, with the signing of Grandpa Eddie Jones. They also filled a huge hole on the bench with the departure of the atrocious Austin Croshere. A repeat of last season's 67 wins may be a stretch, but home court in the playoffs is a lock.
The Bad News: Nobody has performed a bigger choke act than Nowitzki since Linda Lovelace. This team has all the weapons to win a championship, much like Todd has all the booze in his liquor cabinet to make Ted Kennedy's left eyebrow raise, but like O'Douls won't get you hammered, a team without it's best player being just that in the playoffs won't get very far.
Are you not telling us something?: According to basketball reference.com, in one season Nowitzki most closely resembled John Amaechi's output, no pun intended. Relax, ladies -- it was most likely his thumbs he was sucking on after the Mavs got unceremoniously creamed by City in the playoffs last year. 64-18

1. San Antonio Spurs

The Good News: Well, you would think that Father Time would eventually catch up to this roster. But it seems Tim Duncan ages like Chateau La Dorgonne. Between D and D games, he quietly put up what many believe to be his finest season, despite bearing little to no resemblance to Mike Gminski. Tony Parker, while having arguably the hottest wife in the league, is also the best point guard in the world whose name doesn't start with S and end in teve Nash.
The Bad News: With Big Shot Bob, Brent Barry, and Bruce Bowen still around, the Spurs lead the league in beneficiaries of the AARP's benevolent benefit backage... I mean package.
If nly for comedy's sake: Todd and I have been laughing hysterically about Ian Mahimni's draft player profile for two years now. In the "Needs to Improve" section, there were only two words: "Overall Skill." Sometimes brevity is a virtue. This summer, the Spurs finally flew Ian back over the Atlantic and threw him on the roster. Sadly for us, with defensive monster Francisco Elson, Fabricio Oberto, and draftee Tiago Splitter on the roster, Ian likely won't see the end of this month with the team.

Editors' Notes: You know, one of Todd's and my goals at the beginning of this article was to see, if only out of spite, how far down the rankings we could justifiably knock the Suns and Mavs based on their track records of playoff disappointment. When we got towards the end of this article, it became evident to us that thanks to the vortex of mediocrity that has become the NBA these days, our dreams would be dashed. As always, bottoms up and thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.