Between the lies...

Never mind the pitiful failures in the world of fantasy football. Never mind being ready to bet an appendage that Eric Gagne would give the Dodgers a discount. Never mind the experts, who as we've said a million times before, boast complete and utter lack of knowledge as their only skill justifying their title. There can't possibly be anyone who made money on anything in the last few weeks of football, basketball, and competitive hot dog eating. Take a look at our latest attempt at inaugurating a consistent segment. We'll call it What the @#$% is up with...

At the rist of sounding repetitive, what the @#$% is up with...

Jacksonville Jaguars: They replace Leftwich with Garrard, start winning. But they can't keep winning. Then they bury the high powered Indy offense and crush them, restoring playoff hopes. Then they get beyotched by the hamster powered Pats, Brady not withstanding, and the chinks in Garrard's armor are becoming more and more visible weekly. What's next? Anyone's guess. Estimated losses had I bet on this team over the past month: A grand. Minimum.

The St. Louis Rams: A 4-1 start led to visions of '99. 5 straight losses in pathetic fashion to teams the YMCA would beat crushed any post season hopes they may have had. All of a sudden, a win next week against a weak Minnesota team and they could be playoff bound. Is Stephen Jackson another L.T.? Is he another Cadillac Williams? Estimated losses had I bet on them: $4500

The Los Angeles Lakers: Start the season without Kobe and what do you have? Panic. Except for the fact that they win. Then they have Lamar and Kobe together. They look shaky. They turn it on, but Phil Jackson's complete lack of any coaching ability with a team like this shines. They show signs of struggling. They lose Lamar for a month, minimum. They're done. Except for the fact that they play well and win 3 out of 4, overcoming dubious officiating in the process. I'm just going to tune back in come April for the reality check. Estimated losses: No idea but probably every game minus the two against the Clippers.

Speaking of which: Don't tell Todd, but I had the Clips pegged for a top 4 seed in the very tough Western conference. They might still get a playoff spot. They're too good not to. But by that time, I would have lost so much money that Tony the Thumb would have had both of mine.

Iverson: Denver makes sense, but was probably in the bottom third of teams I thought he'd go to.

I'm signing off now. Thinking of all the money I would have lost is depressing me. Since, you know, I only would have lost it. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Briefly

Today's will not be a long article. In fact, it's just to introduce our newest award. The Douchebag of the Week! It seems like kind of a copout, especially since athletes are always brandishing their lack of formal education and therefore vocabulary by waxing poetic in some pathetically juvenile vernacular about how much gooder they are than everyone else. But sometimes, a shining, brilliant moment of ignorance really takes over the spotlight. This week's winner, Baltimore Ravens safety Ed Reed. After Reed took a cheap shot at Cleveland Browns wide receiver Joe Jurevicius, Reed said after the the game that it was fine to hit people like that in our house.

Our Take: It actually makes me wonder why more guys don't get their careers ended by cheap shots. Not guys like Jurevicius, but those like Reed. Never mind that Jurevicius is one of the most popular players, not just in Cleveland, but in the NFL. He's best known for helping the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win a Super Bowl shortly after the death of his young son to some obscure disease.

Our Recommendation: Somebody needs to chop-block Ed Reed, shredding his ACL and ending his career. Afterwards, they can say that it's okay to do that to assholes who take cheap shots at fan favorites. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Pro Athletes = Whiny Sissies

What the hell is plantar fascitis? Did I even spell that right? What the hell is an oblique? Doesn't that mean something like "dark"? You know, they used to call it a bruised foot or a sore side. And you what the old school guys did? They took a bayer, a shot of Jim Beam, and got on the court, field, or ice. I can't believe some of the injures certain athletes have missed time with. Here are some of my favorites, and their ten-times-as-tough counterparts.

Moochie Norris: The point guard with the worst nickname in history (that's saying something in a league where a guy is named Smush) once spent time on injured reserve with insomnia. In....som....ni....a??? I didn't know that having a rough go sleeping qualified as an injury.

He should be more like: Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter might be Norris's exact polar opposite. While Moochie tries to get some zs, Jeter was often ridiculed for his late night partying and drinking. Although it was never substantiated, Jeter allegedly got benched for an afternoon game a couple of seasons ago, after he was reportedly seen stumbling into his hotel at 6am with multiple women he no doubt planned on banging. On what could only be a maximum of three hours of sleep, Jeter showed up on time for warmups and talked manager Joe Torre into reinserting him into the lineup. He had 3 hits and 4 runs batted in.

Eric Davis: The former Cincinnati and LA Dodger outfielder once spent time on the disabled list with a hangnail. The injury was initially reported as something else, but a snitch blew the whistle on him. What's worse, rumors were flying around that Davis simply did not want to face John Smoltz and Tom Glavine on back-to-back nights. Smoltz and Glavine were two of the dominating pitchers in the mid 90s and Davis's batting average against them was not good.

He should have been more like: Former NFL defensive lineman Jack Youngblood once had to leave a football game on a cart after injuring his lower leg. X-rays in the locker room confirmed that he had snapped his tibia and fibula. He told the x-ray technician to tape him up so he could get back on the field. It took the technician several minutes to explain to a slightly psychotic Youngblood that he was a technician and not a trainer, and could therefore not perform any functions such as taping up injuries.

Peja Stojakovic: I might be biased here cuz he's weighing down our fantasy basketball team like a granite anchor, but he's missed coming up on three weeks now with back spasms. Are you kidding me? Pop a couple of Soma, drain a vodka and Redbull, and get your ass on the court. We need the 3-pointers...

He should be more like: Former Detroit Pistons point guard, and current NBA laughing stock, Isaiah Thomas once played an NBA finals game after entering the arena on crutches due to a severely sprained ankle. His legendary toughness has no doubt carried over from his playing career to his executive duties, as only a rediculously thick skin can shield him from the deserved ridicule he's constantly facing.

Tom Candiotti: The former knuckleball pitcher once broke a fingernail and had to miss a start. Rumors that he also had a run in his pantyhose and his skirt was giving him a wedgie were never proven.

He should have been more like: Former San Francisco 49rs safety Ronnie Lott once told a doctor to chop off the top of a finger rather than do a reparative surgery on it. By lopping off the digit, he could play in the next game rather than sitting out the next four while the surgery healed. Wait, did I just say he would rather chop off a finger than miss a game? Ok, I have a policy against respecting anyone whose name ends in "y" or "ie". Why be cutesy with your name. What would have been wrong with Ron Lott. That's right. I'm Ron Lott, bitches! Oh well. I digress.

Anyone who misses more than one game with "flu-like symptoms": Have you ever noticed how professional athletes never get colds. It's always "flu-like symptoms." Well, I call crap. It's a stuffy nose. I have the most piss poor immune system in the history of the planet and I get the flu once every five years. Granted, the first day is horrible, especially when you wake up and you can't breathe well and your nose won't stop running. Fine. One game. That's what you get. By the time the second one rolls around, you should have had plenty of time to take some sudafed and drink scotch like it was front page news.

They should be more like: Do the names Brett Butler, Saku Koivu, Mario Lemieux, Andres Galarraga, and Brian Piccolo ring a bell? All these guys played with cancer. Yup, you heard me. CANCER! Special honors go to Piccolo, the late Chicago Bears running back of the late 60s, who played until shortly before he died at age 26. I might have neglected a few names deserving to be mentioned here but my strict diet of Dayquil and Benedictine is taking it's toll. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Hometown ranting

Hello all. This is a bit more hometown oriented than I usually am, so let me give you all some background. Todd and I have a pretty heated rivalry concerning the Lakers (my team) and the Clippers. He calls me, interrupting my busy work day and informs me that he is doing a happy dance because Lamar Odom has apparently suffered a life-threatening knee injury. The vein that pops out of my forehead whenever I get really angry is making an appearance. Two hours later, I call him and gloat while the lakers were leading by 26 in the fourth quarter, only to find out later that the Rockets went on a 25-1 run to cut the deficit to 2. Now, I didn't see this. I just saw it from when the Lakers were up by 9. Here are there next five possessions.

#1: Kobe drives, spins, takes 8 steps and travels, they don't call it, 360, clanks a rediculous looking bankshot off the glass. Missed horribly.

#2: Kobe goes baseline. Triple teamed. Throws a clearout elbow. Offensive foul.

#3: Kobe has it 30 feet from the basket. Dribbles the shot clock down to 4. Attempts to drive. Good defense stops him way out from the basket. Double teamed. 27 foot turnaround fade away. Airball by 6. 24 second clock violation.

#4: Smush has it at the top of the key. Tries to pass to Luke Walton in the corner for a wide open jumpshot. Intercepted by Kobe . Drives to the key for a short jumper. Realizes he's about to get stuffed by Yao and Juwann Howard. Desperately adjusts and wings a horrible pass off of Kwame Brown's kneecap and out of bounds. Yells at Kwame and blames him for not having thumbs growing out of his ankles.

#5: Kobe, while making that rediculously arrogant "clear the entire court so I can take this guy one on one" gesture, dribbles off of his foot. An alert Brian Cook saves the ball from going out of bounds, but foolishly passes back to Kobe instead of taking a wide open 20 footer, a shot he's better than 50/50 of making. Kobe goes around a pick for a wide open 18 footer, badly misses.

Segway: Okay, now the Rockets have cut the deficit to two. I've been maniacally screaming at the television for Phil to take Kobe out of the game or they'll lose. I find out that when the 27 point lead was cut to 14, Phil panicked and added fuel to the fire by putting Kobe back in the game. Now, in my opinion, Kobe is one of the best players in the league. But you can't play him with a big lead because it all of a sudden becomes the Kobe show and before you know it, the other team goes on a run. My mom knows this. How Phil Jackson doesn't is beyond me.

Possession #6: It's looking bad. Kobe is triple teamed down low. It might as well have been quintuple teamed because the other two guys knew that Kobe was keeping it. He tries that spin move that works like one out of 8 times and flips up a finger roll from about 8 feet, missing by a mile. Thankfully, Kwame was there to tip home the rebound.

#7: Kobe brings it part way up the floor, loses the handle, recovers and passes to Smush at center court. Immediately, he's shouting and clapping his hands for Smush to give it back. Smush is about to but Luke Walton yells something very loud but not quite clear enough to be understood through the tv. Smush passes to Walton. Kobe is still yelling for the ball. Walton fakes a drive and draws a double team. Kobe , waving his arms and yelling, sees Walton pass to Smush who has an easy drive to the hole for a running 3 foot floater. Swish.

While running up the court, you can see Walton covering his mouth a little with his hand but he's saying something to Kobe . And it's not pleasant.

So basically, my point is this. The superstar you're paying 20 million a year to play is on the verge of single handedly leading his team to the biggest collapse in NBA history. The most overrated coach in NBA history who you're paying 10 million a year clearly has no idea what to do and is sitting with a deer in headlights expression on his face. You wonder if he even realizes the game is still going on. Then it hits you. Brian Cook is limping after bumping knees with Chuck James. He keeps looking at the bench, waiting for Phil to sub him out for Radmanovic...or Bynum...or my Uncle Fred... somebody who's knee isn't riddled with pain. But Phil is just sitting there...and Cook is a tough guy and isn't going to ASK to be taken out, especially after SITTING out the last 8 games.

So what do you get out of all this? Something you never expected. A goofy looking white guy the Lakers drafted only because his work ethic would make him popular with the fans emerging as a fucking team leader. File that under Things that serve as reminder that Torsten has indeed NOT seen everything.

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Smoking what?

It's hard not to think that the hard-working staff of cracked.com is not occasionally on crack, with their off-beat humor and questionable interpretations of reality. It all makes for good fun though, as evidenced by this very entertaining piece about the most unathletic sports movie portrayals ever. We think there may have been a few roles conspicuous by their absence.

Wesley Snipes as Bobby Rayburn in The Fan: Seriously, Snipes may be able to completely kick our asses with his wealth of kung fu knowledge, but his baseball swing looks like my mom swinging her purse at a mugger.

Russell Crowe as some dude in Mystery Alaska: Not that anyone would ever confuse him with a hockey player, but it's pretty bad when they can't even shoot his upper body and legs at the same time due to his complete inability to ice skate.

Russell Crowe as James J. Braddock in Cinderella Man: Actually, a very nice adaptation of a true story. Too bad nobody in their right mind would ever believe that a pudgy Crowe could beat Billy Zane's well put together portrayal of heavyweight champ, Max Baer.

Russell Crowe in any other movie about sports: The guy just irritates me. Seriously.

Tony Danza as Mel Clark in Angels in the Outfield: The really bad thing is, Danza was a great baseball player in his youth. But my goodness. His noodle-armed fastball actually reminds you of actual Angels pitchers. Terrible...

They're all out to get you: Does anyone besides Ben Johnson still care about Ben Johnson? Probably not. It wouldn't shock us if our loyal reader even had no idea who he was. But anyway, in the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul, Johnson set a World record in the 100 meters while winning a gold medal. Both accomplishments were stripped from him after he tested positive for steroids. Now, 18 freaking years after the fact, he's blaming Carl Lewis. The Canadian sprinter says the former US track and field star and others conspired against him by tainting a beer he was guzzling in the drug test waiting room.

Our Take: He's probably full of crap, but it's kind of hard not to pull for a guy who is quaffing brews in waiting room of the drug testing facility. I hope I'm not the only one the irony wasn't lost on.

Conspiracy of Fools: People are still muttering about the phantom two points thingy in the game between Atlanta and Toronto. And guess what David Stern is concerned about. He has now admitted that the league probably should have sought more input from its players about introducing the new ball. You know that vein that starts pulsing in your forehead when you're about to have an extrememly violent reaction to something? Yeah, you know the one...

Our Take: Is there a more truly despicable administrator in the World of Sports? I defy any of you to find me one. Just name one. I dare you... Remember the vein. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.