Back when it meant something...

There is little doubt that Michael Jordan is the most talented offensive player that ever played. He's also the reason why US basketball isn't nearly as dominant as it used to be, as I'm sure we'll all find out in the approaching World Championships. Now, before you all get your Fruit of the Looms in a bunch, it isn't all his fault, nor did he do it on purpose. Julius Erving was the first guy who really used a lot of razzle dazzle, to use a Chick Hearnism, in his slam dunks. But MJ was the first to really combine the aerobatic insanity with functionality and purpose. Courtesy of google video, check out the master's top ten dunks according to whomever had a few vodka tonics and put together the compilation. Sure, there's a few travelling calls the refs turned a blind eye to, a charge or three, and a borderline lane violation. But while they might look benign compared to the slam-foolery of Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, and company, each one carries an authority with it; An authority the likes of which can change the entire outcome of a game. Now, if we can only get today's young stars to hustle back on D after they posterize someone like MJ did, instead of posturing and posing for the camera in case they make ESPN's top 10 plays of the day.

Personal Notes: Thanks to everything holy for this being a dunk compilation. If it included layups, I guarantee that one left-handed layup against the Lakers woulda been included. You know what I'm talking about. The one where he's flying 5 feet above AC Green, the nearest defender, and inexplicably and completely unnecessarily changes hands mid flight and makes a fairly simple shot that for some reason has etched itself into sports lore as one of the greatest plays ever, even though my mother who just had meniscus surgery could do pretty much the same thing even after drinking a 5th of Bacardi 151 provided she had the assistance of a trampoline since she's only 5 foot 1. You rememeber, right? Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Smells like footwear

From Air Jordans to.... Starburys??? You could argue, and quite successfully, that Stephon Marbury lacks the celebrity power of MJ. This doesn't mean, however, that Marbury's new sneaker line won't be successful, especially if he sticks to his plan of selling them at less than 15 bucks a pair. Stephon is quick to say that despite the low price his kicks will not be the Yugo of the shoe world. Well, here at 120, since we are psychic... or psycho... one of the two, we have looked into our crystal ball to see what kind of consumer reviews await the petulant point guard's venture into footwear.

Despite great comfort, wearers of the Starbury shoe report winning only one out of every four games.

Despite trying on various sizes, no consumers have found the Starbury to be a good fit.

Wearers of the Starbury have reported annoyance by constant flapping of the tongue.

After paying only 15 bucks for the shoes, several New York Knick fans voiced their pleasure over "finally getting their moneys worth for a Marbury."

A potential irritating side effect for the Knicks is that each pair of Starburys comes with a 5 year, 60 million dollar contract offer from Isaiah Thomas.

That was too easy...

Long Lost Brothers?: Other than meteoric falls from grace, rediculously huge muscles, relative modern-day circus side show status, startling lack of intelligence, and championships in their respective sports, Jose Canseco and Mike Tyson don't have much in common. Oh, there is one more thing. They do share the rather ignominious trait that the media for some reason is under the misconception that the general public still gives a crap what either of these clowns do, and therefore feels the need to report it. If you're wondering what spawned that outburst, I just read on espn.com that Canseco is due to pitch for some minor league team in some minor league game against some other minor league team... anyone still give a crap? As for Tyson? Well, he's probably still enjoying life in "Bolivion" or wherever he said he was fading into after losing his last fight.

Shocking: Can you name the orater of these quotes?
"You just get smart too late and old too soon."
"I cannot continue to disrespect the sport by losing to fighters of this caliber."
If you said Iron Mike, you're correct. It seems all those punches he took from Kevin McBride in his final fight knocked a sense of eloquence into his speech. It's a bit different than, "I want to eat his children," isn't it?

I'm in the wrong profession: I quite possibly might be the worst basketball player ever to set foot on a court. And I'm still better than Jake Voskuhl. So how is it that the Bobcats just gave him 4 million for two years while I still struggle along on borderline slave wages? Oh yeah, he's 8 feet taller than me. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

I fought the law....

What the hell is Maurice Clarett doing? I mean, other than failing to cooperate with police and carrying four guns around in his SUV. This would have been bad enough if he wasn't already facing charges of aggravated robbery among others in a seperate case. Ohio police say they had to use mace to subdue the former Ohio State star after a stun gun failed. Clarett was reportedly wearing a bullet-proof vest. Seriously. You can't even make this up.

Our Take: Whatever. There are lots of talented athletes that because of drug or legal problems never pan out the way they were supposed to. For referece, look up Steve Howe, Daryl Henley, Dexter Manley, Roy Tarpley and a host of others. Hey, here's one. How about Mike Tyson? After a shocking defeat at the hands of Buster Douglas, Tyson should have come back, won the rematch, and went on a ten-year unbeaten string to be remembered as one of the greatest heavyweight boxers ever. Instead, he chose to sexually assault a beauty queen and a variety of other unhealthy/illegal activities. There have been dozens of guys more talented and with more potential than Maurice Clarett that have screwed up their athletic careers and lives. Why is the media so damn fixated on him? It couldn't have been that landmark lawsuit he filed against the NFL for draft eligibility... since he LOST!

Kudos: Even though Jay Leno looks like Fred Flintstone and Glenn Close had a love child, and the vast majority of his jokes are mundane, banal, and generally unfunny, every now and then he comes up with a good one. On rumors that ex Tour de France champion Floyd Landis' "miracle" stage came after a night of heavy drinking, the late night talk douche said, "See, Lindsay Lohan? It can be done." For those of you who didn't hear, the part-time coke fiend/part-time anorexic/part-time mini Paris Hilton took a day off from shooting her latest movie citing heat exhaustion. This was one day after she was seen partying it up into the wee hours at a big-time club. That's all the background you get on that one.

Homer moment: I usually try to keep my hometown bias out of my articles. But it was downright bonechilling, the thunderous ovation Greg Maddux got before his first start at Dodger stadium as a member of the Blue Crew. There's something surreal about seeing a 40-year-old, first ballot hall-of-famer, 328 game winner as nervous as a rookie making his first big league appearance. Maddux, called washed up and over the hill by many of the so-called experts during a recent slump as a member of the Cubs, has given up a total of 7 hits and 2 earned runs in 12 innings as a Dodger. Not bad... even for a hall-of-famer.

In Fairness: In the interest of equal journalism, or whatever they called it in the 60s when Nixon was running against Kennedy, I guess I have to mention something about the ::barf:: Yankees. On second thought, I'll let Jeff Passan, the very entertaining Yahoo! Sports columnist take care of that.

Stuff Only I Care About: Rumor has it that English Premier Leaguers Wigan Athletic are trying to lure former Scottish international striker Duncan Ferguson out of retirement to play the coming season.

My Take: How rad would this be!? First off, Wigan is awesome. Secondly, Ferguson is probably the most entertaining soccer player of the last 20 years. Imagine a guy with the skill of..... okay so he doesn't have that much skill. But imagine a guy who is as fast as... well, molasses in January. But he's definitely... tall. And he has the always entertaining combination of a violent temper (makes Zidane look like a choir boy... one that hasn't been violated) and a pretty good left hook. To put things in perspective, the English sports books used to give odds on how long it would take for Ferguson to either score a goal, get a yellow card, or get outright sent off. Now if that doesn't make you want to watch some soccer... Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

You gotta know when to fold 'em...

Tour de France "champion" Floyd Landis is now saying that the powers that are presiding over the investigation into his positive doping test have an agenda. Originally, the slightly-built Landis had said the high testosterone levels in his blood were naturally produced. Now that both tests have unquestionably found synthetic testosterone, it looks like the cyclist is crying foul.

Our Take: Ok. Landis has already been fired by his racing team. If you all haven't forgotten, we live in the United States, where you still run the risk of being sued for wrongful termination if you fire someone after catching them stealing. Obviously, Landis' own team believes strongly enough that he cheated that they're willing to take that chance. If you want our opinion, Floyd, apologize for what you obviously did, serve your suspension, and prove yourself by winning the race clean in two years.

After consecutive impressive performances, the US basketball team survived a scare against Brazil in a World Championship warmup game. What kind of margin of victory is 4 freaking points against a team whose only noteworthy players are Leandro Barbosa and Anderson Varejao?

Our Take: It's actually pretty simple. The US is embarrassed about it's sixth place finish at the last World Championships, and even moreso about the bronze medal they "earned" in Athens 2004. But after stomping China (sans Yao Ming) and perennial powerhouse Puerto Rico, it seemed the US got lax. Why? Well, just look at the names on their roster. Lebron, Carmelo, D-Wade... The roster is practically saturated with guys who prefer style over substance. I give Andrei Kirilenko a lot of flack for playing in Utah, but he is the prime example of why the rest of the world has caught up. They might not jump as high or make as many ESPN highlights, but what they lack in natural ability they more than make up for by working ten times as hard as our players. Why? I love that question... Sorry. When was the last time you heard about a foreigner like Kirilenko getting an endorsement deal like Lebron's? It will never happen. Blocking 4 shots, swiping 2 steals, snatching 10+ rebounds, and dropping 18+ points will not get you a deal like that because players like this don't waste their time with flashy dunks. But you can hardly call it a waste, can you. Regardless of their borderline-abysmal field goal percentages, guys like Lebron, Kobe, Carmelo etc, really rake it in, courtesy of their one or two tremendous displays of athleticism per game.

Another Cincinnati Bengal has been arrested. Guard Eric Steinbach is accused of boating under the influence, bringing the number Cinmates (Thank you, Bill Simmons) to 5 over the last 3 months.

Our Take: Knock it off already! If this continues, I'm gonna have to stop ragging on the Raiders.

In Closing: In the past 5 days, I have read no fewer than 5 different articles and editorials about how this is bound to be Michael Vick's big breakout year. I mean, you kind of expect it every time football season draws near. But each year, after the inevitable Falcons collapse, my laugh gets a little louder. One day, someone will finally tell me that I'm right. And then they'll tell me I rule. And then I'll wake up. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Oh, Deer...

Remember when Randy Johnson killed that pigeon when it was unfortunate enough to fly in the path of one of his fastballs? That is no longer the unofficial strangest animal fatality in professional sports. Just ask Cristiano Somethingorother. Well, ask him after he's out of critical condition. The Brazilian racer nailed a deer with his racecar while doing practice laps for an upcoming race. Wait, it gets better. Other racers and pit crew present at the track noticed that there was a deer running about long before the guy hit it. And out of the God only knows how many people who did see it, not a single one decided to mention something so track officials could temporarily halt practice. And all this time, I've been giving NASCAR drivers and fans a hard time for being rednecks. At least one of them would have busted out a buck shot. Problem solved.

Identity crisis: For months... actually, ever since his blogging piece, I've been very vocal about my dislike for espn.com Page 2 columnist, Bill Simmons. The truth is, I've recently started coming around a bit. For some reason, likely the same reason you turn your head at the car wreck on the other side of the freeway, I've been reading his columns. Until today, I had no idea what it was. But now I know. It's his fans; The people who email him questions and comments are hysterical, either by virtue of their wit or their lack of a brain. The background is as follows. Simmons recently became somewhat of a soccer fan and chose Tottenham as the team he'll support this coming season by a semi-logical process of elimination. What you're gonna read next is an email one of his fans wrote him in response.

I mean, really, it's either stay a Sonics fan no matter where they are or give up on the whole concept of rooting for any f------ team, right? What's the f------ point? Or should I just pick a different team like you're picking a Premier League team? You know, throw a dart and, that's right, I'm a f------ Indiana Pacer fan. Hey, those Atlanta F------ Hawks might turn it around this year. For f------ sake, how about those Winnipeg Blue Bombers? What the f---? There is no God.

I don't have anything witty to say here. If you didn't find that funny, you're probably way too sober.

Dale, Dale, Dale...: Option A. Cooperate with police so you don't get shot in the chest with a stun gun. Option B. Walk aggressively toward armed police officers with balled fists after saying you would beat them up if they took their badges off and relieved themselves of their weapons. Assuming police reports detailing option b is true, what the hell could possibly have been going through Detroit Pistons reserve center Dale Davis' mind? One thing is for sure, he's lucky it wasn't his teeth. If I'm a cop, and a 7 foot dude with balled fists is steppin' to me after threatening me, it ain't gonna be a stun gun I'm shooting at his chest.

You were serious about that?: My favorite line from My Cousin Vinny. Anyway, Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, the reporters whose stories and book blew the baseball steroids thing open to epic proportions, are sticking to their guns about not revealing their sources. If they continue with this stance, they run the risk of being jailed indefinitely for contempt.

Our Take: I'm tired of people offering their misguided, uneducated opinion on this. It's really quite simple. Legal precedent has already established that reporters can be required to reveal their sources. Williams and Fainaru-Wada wouldn't be the first reporters to go to jail rather than breach the confidence of their sources. Believe it or not, before alcohol and sloth consumed much of my waking life, I at one point worked as a reporter and graduated college with a journalism degree. It only takes breaking your confidentiality vow to a source one time, and any semblance of credibility you ever had is gone for good. You will never get a story again. Need a comparison? If you're an actor, it's the equivalent of being black-balled. So, be it altruistic adherence to an honor code, or concern for their future livelihood, Williams and Fainaru-Wada have no choice. They're doing what they have to, end of story.

I almost feel like I should end with a Mel Gibson joke. Every one else does. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120Proof.

Something Stinks...

120 Proof has gotten wind (hehehe) that New York Yankees all-star shortstop and icon Derek Jeter is launching a mens' fragrance in conjunction with cosmetic giant, Avon. The cologne will be called Driven. There is no truth to the rumors that the fragrance was going to be a combination of sweaty jockstrap and Skoal. In fact, the scent will be a combination of chilled grapefruit, spices, and clean oak moss.

Our Take: We admire any successful person, athlete or otherwise, who wants to take on new challenges. However, it's unlikely anyone at 120 will purchase any of Jeter's cologne. We find our acquired funk of Bacardi 151, fast food, and cigarette smoke to be quite pleasant on its own.

Reports have leaked that Tour De France champion Floyd Landis' B sample will test positive for not only excess testosterone, but that the hormone will be synthetic; That implies, of course, that Landis cheated and will likely have his title stripped. Flying under the radar, but not less significant, is the positive test of US sprinter Justin Gatlin. Gatlin is the co-World record holder in the 100 meters. His positive test for the same substance reportedly in Landis' system could result in a two-year ban and the removal of his name from the record books.

Our Take: What... the...@#$%? Our baseball playes are juiced. We can't win a bicycle race without cheating. Our track and field athletes are now under a cloud of suspicion, even though Marion Jones seems to have cleared her name. Wasn't it not that long ago that US athletes were among the best in the world WITHOUT cheating? For crying out loud...

The MLB trading deadline was just that. Dead. A handful of players changed teams, but none who are gonna make or break a playoff race. Bobby Abreu and Greg Maddux were the biggest names to move, but both are over the hill and overpaid. The Dodgers probably acquired the two best players in Julio Lugo and Wilson Betemit, although they paid dearly. The Colorado Rockies and Cincinnati Reds made the most important moves by shoring up bullpen weaknesses in Jeremy Affeldt and Rheal Cormier respectively. The Yankees... well, screw the Yankees.

Our Take: Whatever happened to the deadline blockbuster? Teams really used to chase top players. It wasn't THAT long ago that nobody was safe from being traded. Willie McGee, Mark McGwire, Randy Johnson, and David Cone are just a few of the big names that moved at deadlines past. Their hallowed names have been replaced with the likes of Bill Bray, Matt Stairs, Oliver Perez, and Craig Wilson. I guess hearing marquee names like Alfonso Soriano and Miguel Tejada is nothing more than a tease, much like those lap dances at the Body Shop.

So, despite much mocking of the rotisserie industry in the past, I will be making a foray into Fantasy Football this season. I will have to fight the temptation to take players based on funny names and actually try to draft some moneymakers. (I played fantasy soccer last season. I chose Bradford City's Dean Windass and Blackburn's Paul Dickov as my strikers because... well, I'm retarded.) So, if either of our two fans have any insight into players I absolutely MUST have on my team, I'm willing to take advice. There are 12 teams in the league I'm joining and I have to finish at least ninth to save some face. According to Gaylord Focker, they at least still make ribbons for ninth place. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.