Sales Pitch

Jim Thome was recently quoted as saying that Mariano Rivera's cut fastball is the single greatest pitch in baseball today, and maybe of all time. Since Rivera is a Yankee, and I refuse to accept any Yankee receiving such high praise, I've decided to poll some drunks at the bar and see who really has the greatest pitch of all time. If you see a West Coast bias, it's because I couldn't afford to travel away from the West Coast to poll drunks in other states. Anyway, I'm gonna divide it by pitch and then further into past and present. If you disagree, go drink some cheap liquor, get hammered, and make yourself available for my next poll.

The Heaters: Surprisingly, I didn't get many Nolan Ryan votes. You would think the ass kicking he gave Robin Ventura a decade or so ago would have boosted his popularity.

Then: Sandy Koufax. The former Dodger southpaw had threw in the mid to high 90s, which is unusual in and of itself for a lefty. In addition to his velocity, he hid the ball in a way that made it impossible for a batter to pick it up out of his hand until it was nearly in the catcher's mitt. Despite elbow problems ending his career very prematurely, Koufax pitched 4 no-hitters.

Now: Rivera. Dammit. As much as I would like to avoid it, it isn't possible. The Yankee closer throws pretty much only one pitch. And that would be the disgusting 95 mph cutter that has confounded hitters for a decade despite the fact that every single one of them knows it's coming. He breaks more opposing hitters' bats per inning than any other pitcher, and is the all-time MLB leader in post-season saves.

Uncles: Much like you can't beat a nice single malt scotch, you can't really hit a great curve ball. I was surprised by the responses I got on this one.

Then: Tie between Nolan Ryan and Dwight Gooden (one drunk each). Both were better known for blazing fastballs, but a lot of guys throw hard. Ryan and Gooden both threw hard, tight-breaking hooks that essentially left hitters helpless, especially if they were waiting for a high 90s smoker. Ryan had 7 career nonos and Gooden had one.

Now: Barry Zito. No contest. Both drunks I asked were in agreement. The A's lefty slings his behind a left handed hitter's ear. While the batter is hitting the deck, trying to avoid being beaned, the ball snaps over the outside corner for a strike. He's been known to hang the occasional one, but if it's on, it's untouchable.

Change: If you throw hard, and then can throw soft with the same arm motion, that makes you good. Seriously.

Then: Tom Glavine. Yeah, he's still active. But the multiple Cy Young Award winner was nearly unhittable 15 years ago. Despite having an above average fastball at best, the former Braves and current Mets hurler pulled the string better than anyone.

Now: It's easy to say Johan Santana or Eric Gagne. Both of them have great changes that make hitters look like idiots much of the time. But the vote goes to Pedro Martinez. Not only does he have a devastating off speed, he throws it deliberately to humiliate hitters rather than just get them out. Pedro is a notorious head hunter, and his change starts right at a left handed batter's chin. While said lefty's life flashes before his eyes, Martinez's change abrubtly slams on the breaks and makes the hitter look like the drunks I talked to.

Slip sliding away: The epitome of the power pitch, only a select few pitchers can really bring this one, as it puts a lot of strain on the arm and each time it's thrown the pitcher runs the risk of blowing his elbow.

Then: Rollie Fingers. The former AL relief champ was the first guy, according to the lushes, one of whom is passed out drooling on himself, to really use the slider as something other than a showcase pitch to change the batter's eye level. It looked like a fastball until veering sharply down and to the left leaving the batter flailing at nothing but air.

Now: The Big Unit. Granted, Randy Johnson doesn't throw as hard as he used to. But his mid to high 80s slider is one of the nasties pitches ever thrown on a diamond. Combine the sling shot motion of his arm making it impossible to pick up the ball with the fact that he is nearly 9 feet tall and can practically hand the ball to the catcher and it's a daunting task for any hitter.

The Hybrids: Some pitches aren't thrown by a lot of pitchers, so it makes it hard to compare. Still, they warrant mentioning and you'll see why when you see the names on this list.

Split Finger: Bruce Sutter. The soon to be Hall-of-Famer revolutionized the pitch. Imagine a normal fastball, then imagine it taking a dive toward the dirt as if it suddenly fell off of Niagara Falls. Tough to hit? Try nearly impossible.

Screwball: Fernando Valenzuela. Limited mainly to leftys, and not used by too many because of arm stress, nobody threw a better one than Fernando. It's basically the opposite of a curveball, and the fact that the pitch's movement seems to defy logic doesn't make it much easier.

The Shady Bastards: Remember Ed Harris, the venerable Indians pitcher from the movie, Major League? Former Cy Young award winner Gaylord Perry had to have been the inspiration for the character. Perry was famous for his spitball. Loading up the ball is strictly forbidden and regarded as cheating. So I guess what I'm saying is, the fact that Perry loaded up nearly every pitch with something and rarely ever got busted is nothing short of phenomenal. Hey, it's only cheating if you get caught!

Knuckler: A misnomer, the knuckler is actually thrown with the index and middle fingernails dug into the seams. A good knuckler doesn't spin, rather it dances. A good knuckleball pitcher will tell you he doesn't even know where it's gonna end up. The greatest ever is probably 50s and 60s relief icon Hoyt Wilhelm. The other great thing about this pitch is that it places virtually no stress on the arm. Phil Niekro and Charlie Hough both pitched into their late 40s using primarily the knuckler.

Yogi Berra once said, "Good pitching will always beat good hitting. And vice versa." I like to say, a good pitch makes you look like a bitch. I don't think that one will catch on... but it's worth a try. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Who the hell is....

Floyd Landis is the first person not named Lance Armstrong to win the Tour de Country That Made Us Change The Name of Our Fries in 8 years. He may also be the first guy to have his title stripped for doping in more than.... well, I don't feel like researching right now so I'm just gonna say a long time. Landis tested positive for unusually high levels of testosterone after a blistering 17th stage when he stormed from over 8 minutes back of the lead to within seconds. Landis, however, asserts his innocence. He says his body naturally produces those high testosterone levels.


Okay. Not to be judgemental, but does this look like someone who naturally produces excess testosterone in his body to you? Me neither.

Holy Mother of Money: The Tenessee Titans have agreed in principle to a 6 year, nearly 60 million dollar contract with first round draft choice Vince Young. Is it just me, or does this seem like a lot of money to give an unproven rookie who couldn't prove that he could do more than run even at the college level? You would think that other teams would have learned from the Atlanta Falcons' mistake of giving Michael "The Most Overrated Player in the History of Sports" Vick a big contract based solely on the fact that he's a phenomenal athlete. You know what? So was Pele. That still doesn't mean I'd pay him 60 million to quarterback my team.

Random Fact of the Week: Did you know that former closer and Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley underwent treatment for alcohol dependency as a member of the Chicago Cubs circa 1986? Soon after coming to terms with his drinking problem, Eck became one of the greatest closers of all time. See, Mom??? Alcohol is good for you!!! Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Things that make you thirsty...

For the record, the title of this article has nothing to do with things that make you thirsty. It was supposed to be a clever play on words for things that make you go hmmm... Clearly, I failed there.

Anyway, there have been a few curiosities flying around.

Tiger Woods: The guy wins the British open, his first major in quite a while, and all of a sudden he's the greatest golfer to ever live. Again. I'm getting a little tired of the mainstream media shoving their noses up his backside constantly. Yes, he's a good golfer. Yes, it sucks that his dad died. Yes, it's a nice story that he won a major for his late father. Did I cover it all? Good. Now shut up about it.

Allen Iverson: Trade rumors are picking up steam. Will it be Boston? Will it be Sacramento? Does anyone care where the over-the-hill, disruptive and erratic guard ends up? I don't either. Shut up about that too.

Baseball: The Tigers are good but weren't supposed to be. The Blue Jays were supposed to contend with the Yankees and Red Sox but can't keep up. And that was before they traded Shea Hillenbrand, one of their most productive hitters, to the Giants for the equivalent of a pack of smokes and a Tom Emansky video. Johan Santana, the most dominating pitcher in baseball, isn't anywhere near the league lead in wins. Someone score him a run, please?

Ozzie Guillen: The colorful White Sox manager deserves his own section. This weekend was the second time he publicly criticized one of his pitchers for failing to properly execute hitting a batter. First it was Sean Tracey. Then, John Garland. To give Garland some credit, he did throw consecutive pitches behind Texas' Ian Kinsler. I do sympathize with Ozzie, though. To be successful as a pitcher, you have to constantly be able to pound the ball into the strike zone, an area roughly the size of your computer monitor. How is it that a guy like Garland, with near perfect control, can't drill someone who is ten times the size of the strike zone?

Mark Cuban: Is he still blogging? Will someone tell him to stop? What kind of a loser blogs anyway? I mean... uh.... yeah.

USA: Shawn Marion has been cut from the US National team. Inexplicably, guys like Shane Battier and Joe Johnson are still on the team. But I guess I see where Coach K is coming from. I mean, who really needs an athletic forward who shoots better than 50% from the floor, is a virtual lock for 20 plus points and 10 plus rebounds every game, and more than holds his own defensively. I'd much rather have Antawn Jamison too. Right.

Lastly: Can we fast forward to the World Series already? If I have to sit through one more Devil Rays-Yankees game I'm gonna get violent. Why is it that ESPN is obsessed with the Yankees and Red Sox? If they're playing each other, I get it. But who gives a crap when it's New York and Tampa freaking Bay? Show something local, please???

I lied about the other one being lastly: I just remembered, Reggie Bush is threatening to sit out the season if the Saints don't give him the money he wants. I hate players who hold out. There should be an owners union where if some guy holds out for more money than he deserves, they blackball him from the league. What's that, Reggie? 5 million a year not good enough? A vein just burst in my forehead. I better stop here. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Our Greatest Fears....

Well, they're starting to become reality. With the end of basketball season long past, football season nowhere near starting, and the World Cup gone, we are left with baseball to mock. The problem with that is there are many fewer spineless thugs and insipid morons in baseball, resulting in fewer arrests and altogether embarrassing moments for us to exploit. Sure, Phillies' hurler Brett Meyers smacked his wife around a little. Not that we condone that sort of activity, but he left us very little to mock with his contrite statements and...well, the anonymity that comes with being Brett Meyers. So, athletes of the world. Heed our pleas. Do something stupid so we have material. Please...

In the meantime, courtesy of yesbutnobutyes.com, the World's ten most obscure sports.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. And can you blame me? Has anyone besides me noticed that after the initial rage about Ricky Williams playing in the CFL, you've basically heard nothing about him in the media. Hmmmmm.... could that be because the life of a Toronto Argonaut is largely out of the spotlight? More likely, it's because the former Miami Dolphins superstud back has gained a mediocre 217 yards over four games north of the border.

Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120Proof... unless, of course, you are Todd... in which case, thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 0Proofsprite or something...

Not on our list...

A while back, we wrote about some sports movies we felt didn't get enough recognition. Well, if any of these movies ever became a reality, they probably will not retroactively make our list. Still, the guys at www.cracked.com are funny.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say hardy har har to Bill Simmons who foolishly predicted Lebron James would be a Clipper in 07/08. He has officially signed an extension with Cleveland.

Usually, Yahoo! Sports' Steve Kerr writes some pretty good stuff. This, however, is what happens when there is nothing to talk about NBA related that hasn't already been beaten to death. However, there are a few Summer League updates that may be worth reading.

Idiot of the Week: Ok. This is the first time we are awarding this honor to anyone. But had we done it before, Ben Roethlisberger would be a repeat winner. The first time would have been for riding his motorcycle without a helmet or a legal motorcyle license. Now, he wins for telling the media he was seconds away from dying. Just when you thought you'd finally heard enough about Big Ben and his crash, it's gonna start all over again with double the attention given to it when training starts. Frankly, I'm tired of hearing about it. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120Proof.

Some things...

The American League won the all-star game. Shocker. It's been a decade now since the senior circuit has been able to top it's younger sibling in the Mid-Summer Classic. I'd expound some more on this but to do so would require anyone actually giving a crap about the all-star game.

Rumor has it Sebastian Telfair plans to ask Celtic great Cedric Maxwell to unretire his number 30 so he can use it. Ok, folks. Let's make one of those imaginary scales with our hands, palms facing the ceiling. Sebastian Telfair. Cedric Maxell. Sebastian Telfair. Cedric Maxwell. Smokes a lot of weed. Won a lot of championships. Gets arrested for bringing a firearm onto a plane. Has an NBA Finals MVP award. Played for the Blazers. Played with all-time greats Larry Bird and Robert Parish. Are you kidding? Is Ben Gordon going to ask the Bulls to un-retire number 23?

Need a good laugh? This clip where Rick Majerus unwittingly asserts his heterosexuality while talking about former UConn star and current Memphis Grizzly Rudy Gay has flown around the internet on sites like gorillamask.net and is currently on youtube.com. Still, it's too good not to perpetuate. Steve Lavin, who I've never liked as a coach, is a freaking champion for maintaining his composure. He almost cracks, but what makes it doubly hilarious is the fact that Majerus seems completely oblivious to the double entendre. Just watch it. I'm tired of using big words like entendre. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Disappointment

You expect it from Wayne Rooney, England and Manchester United's 21-year-old knuckle-dragging striker. And you got it. Courtesy of a viscious, intentional stomp on the nutsack of Portugal's Ricardo Carvalho and a subsequent two-handed shove into the chest of Man-U teammate Christiano Ronaldo, Rooney was issued a red card and ejected.

Did you expect it from Zinadine Zidane? Sure, the 34-year-old French midfield magician has a rap sheet of violent conduct offenses on his soccer resume from the days of his youth. Zidane came out of international retirement to play in this World Cup, and announced before the tournament that once it was over he was done once and for all with professional play. The stage seemed set in Sunday's final, for Zidane to ride off into the sunset a champion in his final pro game ever. Adding to the fairy tale potential was the early penalty kick Zidane scored to give the French the lead.

Fast forward to the second period of extra time. Italy had long since tied the game and it appeared headed to a penalty kick shootout to determine the winner. Mere minutes remained when the unthinkable happened. Zidane did his best Bill Goldberg impersonation and rammed his head into Italian defender Marco Materazzi's sternum, sending him flying ass over tea kettle. No embellishment was needed as Ronnie Lott would have been proud of that hit. Zidane was subsequently and deservedly red carded, leaving his team without its best player and best penalty kick taker. Predictably, Italy prevailed in the shootout.

Publicly, the French media and Zidane's coach and teammates have been forgiving. No one else has, though. Brent Musberger called Wayne Rooney a disgrace to the sport and a disgrace to his country for his nut-crushing stomp. While he had no similar words to describe Zidane, it was the Frenchman's actions that were on a far bigger stage and had far bigger consequences. Now that he's retired (for the second time) he should be looked back on as the greatest center midfielder since Diego Maradona, the greatest player France has ever produced, and one of the greatest that ever lived. Instead, he will be remembered as the fool whose actions soiled the the World Cup Finals and cost his team a chance at the trophy. Lastly, he is also the only player ever to get sent off in the final. It's a sad ending to an otherwise illustrious career. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120Proof.

Editor's Note: Reports are surfacing that Materazzi called Zidane a "dirty terrorist." Zidane's parents are Algerian. While the remark, if actually uttered, is immature and despicable, 120Proof is still of the belief that violence that ultimately hinders your team has no place on the soccer field. We feel that violence in response to a racist remark should be saved for the tunnels underneath the stadiums where those pesky referees can't see you.

Nuts?

Todd has brought to my attention that Bill Simmons wrote in his most recent article that Lebron James is likely to become a Clipper.

We all know LeBron hasn’t signed his extension with Cleveland. Bill reiterated today that LeBron’s Nike advertising contract DOUBLES from $100mil to $200mil if he plays in New York or LA. By the time his contract is up, the Nets will be in Brooklyn. So that makes three teams he’d consider right? Lakers, Nets and Knicks (who won’t be able to sign him due to their cap rediculousness), right? Oh, right, there’s one more. The Clippers. They’re as likely as anybody to have LeBron James playing for them in ’07-’08.

I think he's completely lost his mind. Todd and Alex the Clipper Fan are obviously hoping that Simmons is right. I don't have anything witty to say here. The thought that King James might come to LA should be humorous enough.

Hyprocrites: The Arizona Diamondbacks are accusing the Dodgers of being bushleague after LA reliever Danys Baez nailed Shawn Green in the hip with a fastball during the ninth inning of a game this week. Although the Dodgers would never admit it, the pitch that hit Green was in apparent retaliation to Nomar Garciaparra being hit three times and JD Drew once earlier in the series. Both are injury prone and Drew missed the second half of last season after an errant pitch broke his wrist.

Our Take: So, let me get this straight. You drill a team's two best hitters a combined four times in one game, but the other team is classless for getting fed up with it and standing up for itself? Isn't that kind of like Barry Bonds condemning steroid use?

Still Wondering: The Bulls must be excited about their recent acquisition of Ben Wallace and nearly simultaneous jettisoning of Tyson Chandler. On the surface, this looks like an upgrade but what happens two years from now. My guess is that Wallace will be a rediculously overpaid, no offense big man drilling the Bulls in the wallet. He will be 34 and on the decline. If you look at his career numbers, he is already beginning to decline a bit. Let the second-guessing begin. Let happy hour begin too, and thanks for stopping by for a shot of 120 Proof.

Four Score and Seven Tears

Well, an extra $12 million was enough to bring Ben Wallace over to the Bulls in free agency as of last night. Bulls fans are understandably jizzing themselves, but Detroit fan reactions range from hatred to tears. From Need4Sheed.com, here's a gem from the comments:

Last night i was pissed off when I found out Ben Wallace signed with the Bulls and as i look at all of this I was just thinking if Darko was still here he could have started in Big Ben's place. When the Pistons made the trade for Calvin Kato it could come bite the pistons in the ass because with that trade we really didnt get anything in return. When Darko played for the Magic he was doing pretty well now that been is gone everything is screwed up this year free agents there arnt any good centers and why would u want to start McDyess when hes one of our best bench players? It is going to be hard to overcome this.

Okay, if that was a little jumbled, allow me to illuminate: Read that one more time, this time using the voice of a betrayed cheerleader, with the hysteria and pitch of her voice raising with each word. Yes, that's what this signing did to Detroit fans.

John Paxson was unavailable for comment as to whether the Bulls will also be pursuing a trade for Milicic.