Most What?

For years now, Shaq has called himself the "MDE". Or, if you prefer, the Most Dominant Ever. There is no doubt that he is a terror to defend, weighing in at close to 6 million pounds... give or take a few. But is he the MOST dominant player in the history of the league? Since it's a yes or no question, you won't get too many different responses. But ours here at 120 Proof is no. The reason? Quite simply, somebody cannot be the most dominant player in the game and simultaneously be a liability. Is this another rant against his inability to make foul shots? No. Okay fine. Partially. But it goes deeper than that.

Foul Shots: Most big men in the league are not especially good at them. But Shaq is another story. In yesterday's loss to a suddenly dangerous-looking Chicago Bulls team, Shaq went nothing for six from the charity stripe. That wasn't the first time either. In 1995 as a member of the Orlando Magic, he made zero out of eight free throws in a 94-93 loss to the Indiana Pacers. While a member of the Lakers, a number of teams employed a strategy coined Hack a Shaq to slow down the powerful L.A. offense. Opposing coaches figured, correctly, that worst cases scenario he makes half of them and their team would be one hot shooting streak away from being right back in the game. As long as he's gotten criticism about it, he has always said, "I'll make 'em when I have to." Really? When?

Turnovers: One game does not a career make, but how does a center commit 7 turnovers in 23 minutes of a playoff game as Shaq did yesterday? Point guards have bad games and throw the ball away a few times. 7 turnovers? Wow.

Rebounding: His career average of 11.9 rebounds a game is pretty good depending on what you compare it to. The following is a short list (deliberatly not including Wilt Chaimberlain and Bill Russell whose career per game rebound averages exceed 20) of people much smaller than Shaq with better averages.
Dennis Rodman: 13.1
Wes Unseld: 14.0
Elgin Baylor: 13.5
In fact, O'Neal is tied for 18th all time with Bill Bridges and Harry Gallatin. I know, I haven't heard of them either. And just in case you were wondering, the 6 foot 4 Charles Barkley is one spot behind O'Neal with a career average of 11.7 rebounds a game. Wouldn't you think that someone with a gargantuan size advantage over everyone in the league would be slightly higher on the list of rebounds of all things?

One Last Thing: I do realize that when you're on top, people love taking shots at you. Shaq is one of the 50 greatest players of all time. No doubt. Just imagine how good he could be if he stayed in shape. These are the days where athletes who don't destroy their own bodies with steroid use are able to play competitively into their 40s. Look at baseball's Julio Franco and Steve Finley. Football's Doug Flutie and Bruce Matthews. Hockey's Chris Chelios. In hoops, you have guys like Sam Cassell and Shaq's teammate Alonzo Mourning who are getting up there and competing at an extremely high level. In the past, elite centers like Kareen, Robert Parish, Hakeem, and Patrick Ewing just to name a few were around past or close to the big four oh. Sure, big guys wear out quicker than guards. But at the end, it's the guys who put the work in that are around. It's the guys that put the work in who play 18 plus seasons. And once the end starts coming, it comes quickly. And it seems to be coming for O'Neal. Given all the money he's still owed, he's a virtual lock to be a New York Knick pretty soon. Sorry. Couldn't resist. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Todd Lerner contributed to this article.

Mock This Part 2

By now, you all know exactly how much I hate mock drafts. And here's why, courtesy of ESPN.com's David Schoenfield. Remember, the so-called experts are just as much to blame for the top 100 draft disasters of all time as the general managers who made the selections for their respective teams. Not to spoil anything, but the only one of Mr. Schoenfield's selections I take umbrage with is Portland's selection of Sam Bowie. It would have been a moot point if Patrick Ewing hadn't listened to his mom and returned to Georgetown for his senior year. But what do I know. Read it. It's insightful and entertaining.

As the stars go: So goes the team. After a legendary performance in Game 1, King James struggled and turned the ball over 10 times in game 2, leading to a Washington victory. In a similar reversal of fortune, the duo of Steve Nash and Shawn Marion had bad games and the Lakers were able to eek out a victory behind big games from Kobe Bryant and Lamar Odom. I'm sighing right now because I can hear those of you more inebriated than I am saying, "What!? Nash had 29 points! What!? He nearly had a triple double!" Well, let me tell you. He nearly had a quadruple double. His 6 turnovers led to Laker fast breaks and easy buckets. Even the mighty Suns will find it difficult to fight back from 15 down in the second half. So shut your pieholes...

Speaking of Nash, The Arizona Republic is reporting that he will win his second straight MVP award. What the hell!? I honestly thought that you had to be able to play defense to be considered. The novelty of, "Let's give it to the little white guy," was admittedly kinda cool last season. But come on. I'll be the first alco... I mean person to tell you that Nash is a very good player. But does he belong on the hallowed pedestals of other back-to-back winners Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson among others? It seems to me like the voters have taken a lot more shots of 120 Proof than you have recently... so let's change that, shall we? Thanks for dropping by.

Mock This...

The NFL draft is coming up this weekend. Wanna know how I know? Cuz everybody and their mom has a mock draft. Seriously, mock drafts are the lamest thing in existence. Other than usually getting the top pick or two right, they're way off too. And the people that put together mock drafts? My God, what is wrong with these losers. They're all lame... except for Ryan McBain... because he's bigger than me and can kick my ass.... so his mock draft is okay. Actually, it's pretty good. Even though he's never been to prison, he's a Raiders fan so him having the silver and black select Vince Young at number 7 falls under wishful thinking/hometown hoping. But other than that, the analysis is solid. I give it a Bacardi and Coke... or diet if you're lame.
Speaking of booze, the shot of the week goes to Rick Monday. Yesterday marked the 30th anniversary of Monday's legendary act of patriotism. April 25th, 1976, Monday was playing in center field for the Cubs in a game against the Dodgers when two protestors ran onto the Dodger Stadium field, intent on burning an American flag. Monday ran over to the protestors and snatched the flag away from them. Honorable mention goes to Dodger 3rd base coach Tommy Lasorda, who ran at the protestors and challenged both of them to a fight before security escorted the trespassers off the field. Monday is currently in his 13th season as a Dodger broadcaster.
Lastly, Barroid Bonds hit his second homerun of the season yesterday. That pulls him even for the year with legendary Cincinnati Reds slugger.... Bronson Arroyo??? How much money would you have lost on that bet? Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Leave Keith Alone...

Is that....is that a woman? Over there in the Padres dugout? Judging by the cans, it must be! Unless she's blowing one of the players, she doesn't belong there. Seriously. Why is she next to Piazza? He doesn't even like women! This is rediculous! I'm not gonna say women belong in the kitchen...ok, yes I am. Women do belong in the kitchen. And in the washroom. Popping out babies. That's what they need to do. Which reminds me of a joke. How many men does it take to open a beer? Who cares!? The beyotch should already have opened it for you! That's one of my favorites. Seriously. Women in a dugout? Crazy. Next thing you know they'll be allowed to vote.

I sure hope that Keith Hernandez and his first amendment lawyers know what rhetorical hyperbole means... But seriously, am I the only one who thinks that a little too much is being made out of his comments the other night? For those of you who live in caves or resemble Helen Keller, the former Mets slugger and current broadcaster ended up with his foot in his mouth due to some questionable comments he made about a Padres massage therapist. Oh yeah. The therapist? A woman. That's what the issue was. "I'm not gonna say women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout." That's what all the hubbub is about. Sadly, everyone is missing the point. Hernandez is right. At least in the way he MEANT what he said. You see, there is a story behind what was said, between the lines.

Reputable news organizations won't report it this way because they're worried about alienating potential sources. Us? Well, the way we look at it is, anyone not worth alienating is not a worthwhile source. That made absolutely NO sense... But speaking of sources, I actually have some unique insight on this from a couple of people in the know about baseball's inner workings. A certain baseball tv personality happens to drink in one of the same bars I do. Because of his employment before being on tv, he has quite the insight. I'm being vague intentionally. Please understand. Fortunately for me, he doesn't mind my drunk ass blabbering to him and pestering him with questions about this and that. The following is paraphrased because I ran into him randomly and did not have a recorder or notepad to document the conversation. All my notes were taken on a couple cocktail napkins incognito style in the bathroom AFTER our conversation because I didn't want him to hold back anything. Yeah, I'm shady. It is also edited for content, because a verbatim recount would contain too much profanity to keep this PG, and I'm not sure where to insert my hiccups.

See, people are making a big deal out of it because they don't know what he meant. The rules, if you can call them that, are different now. Hernandez played in the 80s. In those days, it wasn't alltogether unheard of for players to have women in the clubhouse. Groupies. Guys who weren't in the lineup. Relief pitchers. Or anyone for that matter if it was a rain delay. They could just go back and have their fun in the early innings. I'm not saying it was rampant or even common practice, but it certainly went on. That's what Hernandez was talking about. What goes on in the clubhouse is at least out of plain sight. But if you bring a girl into the dugout for everyone to see... He didn't know she was a trainer. That's why he made that silly joke to try and cover up his comment. He wasn't trying not to come off as a sexist. He was trying not to sell out the players who might have groupies in the clubhouse.

He also proceeded to tell me that he did know Hernandez personally from when Hernandez was a player and he was a... oops, almost blew it there! He also told me that Hernandez was NOT one of the guys who partook in the practice of banging chicks between innings, and in fact didn't approve of the practice but didn't openly protest so as not disrupt harmony in the dugout. I was gonna leave that part out just to stir the pot a little but I figured I've kept it legit up to here. Why stop now?

In a fortunate coincidence, I just so happen to play pool in a beer league with a guy who had a couple cups of coffee in the big leagues about 30 years ago with a couple different teams. After what.....oooh, almost screwed up by dropping the name there. After my conversation in the bar, I thought my pool colleague might have some insight. The following is also paraphrased and slightly edited to remove names and a couple uses of the f-bomb, but the notes are accurate and free of beerstains so it's close to verbatim.

Well, I didn't spend enough time up there (the big leagues) to know everything and I never walked in on anyone in the middle of it, but I know it went on. In those days, the veterans didn't talk to rookies much unless you (won the game with a big hit or made a great play). I think (having girls in the clubhouse) was kind of a privelege you earned. A veteran's perk. You couldn't pull that stuff in the minors. You were trying to impress the brass with your play, hope for that call up. Besides, the conditions are so nasty in minor league dressing rooms... even if you wanted to.. (I'm editing this part out. It basically involved details about the smell and other things that made the minor league clubhouses barely tolerable much less suitable for sex. No relevance to the story) Even if you were lucky enough to get that call up, you were still in that straight arrow mindframe. You didn't want to (mess) up. You couldn't assume you were one of the guys right away. You might be there for two days, never get an at bat, and get your ass sent right back to Double A never to be seen again. (Edit. His first major league call up and send down anecdote.) Honestly, I didn't even think about (girls in the clubhouse) until you told me what (name) said. But it makes perfect sense.

There you have it. Is that awesome or what? In fairness, nobody except for Keith Hernandez knows exactly what he meant when he said it. But you have to admit, how rad is that. Imagine yourself as a big league manager.

You: "Smith! Grab a bat!"
Player other than Smith: "Uh, Coach? Smith is....uh.... not here."
You: "Well where the @#$% is he!?"
Player other than Smith: "Remember Tiffany???"
You: "@#$%ing hell! Fine. Jones, grab a bat!!!"
Player other than Jones: "Uh, Coach? Ummm, they're tag teaming her..."

I feel all weird. Did 120 Proof just publish a REAL article? By real, I mean one in which we didn't make a bunch of crap up? Wow... I need a drink. More specifically, some 120 Proof.

Whats and Whys

After my humiliating World Series forecast, I wasn't about to go out on a limb and make any wild predictions about the NBA playoffs... at least not until I saw what happened in the first games. For those of you who missed it, here's the deal.

The Ones: You could probably make a case that there are simply too many playoff teams. Is there a point to having the top seed and eighth seed even play? The entire San Antonio Spurs team is facing aggravated sodomy charges for what they did to Sacramento in game 1. And what can you say about Detroit against Milwaukee. Here's one word for you. Mismatch. Milwaukee kept it respectable over the first 24 minutes before finally succumbing to the better team.

The Deal: Expect the next 3 games in the Pistons/Bucks series to follow suit. Milwaukee will give it a respectable effort but they simply lack the firepower to accomplish anything against Detroit's lockdown defense. Oh yeah, and 4 midgets and a poodle could have rebounded better in the second half than the Bucks did.

Sacramento is not as bad as they looked in game 1. But Rick Adelman needs a wakeup call. San Antonio is only beatable if you keep Tony Parker from penetrating. Heheh. I said penetrating... but anyway, he breaks down the defense leaving Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and company with easy looks. Are you listening, Mike Bibby? Adding to the problem will be the absence of Ron Artest in game 2. He's suspened courtesy of the forearm shiver he delivered to Ginobili's head in game one. Sacramento can get hot and maybe sneak one game at home, but that's it.

The Twos: Phoenix and Miami didn't have it nearly as easy as the ones. The Chicago Bulls, behind a rediculous 35 point performance from Ben Gordon, game the Heat a run for their money before faltering late. Shaq was able to assert his massive lard in the paint to the tune of 27 points and 15 boards. I wonder why Oliver Miller never got those kind of numbers. He was nearly as fat... Former Bull Tim Thomas was Phoenix's unlikely hero in their win over the Lakers. Kobe struggled, scoring only 22 points. Incidentally, how many other players out there "struggle" and still get 22?

The Deal: If one of the sevens can upset a two, it's gonna be the workman-like Chicago Bulls. Miami is overrated, even with Dwayne Wade and my vote for best sixth man AND defensive player of the year, Alonzo Mourning. Ben Gordon will not have another game like he did in game 1, but he doesn't have to. His team can step up. The Heat will be without Udonis Haslem who was given a one game suspension for winging his mouthpiece at an official in game 1. Moron...

The Lakers didn't go down without a fight. But ultimately, they are just overmatched by a superior Phoenix team. Under the heading of things that make you go hmmmm, Phoenix set an all time record for fewest trips to the free throw line during the regular season, yet were awarded 35 attempts in game 1. Shady? Probably. But it wouldn't make a difference anyway. The remaining games won't be as close. Another big game from Lamar Odom and Luke Walton, coupled with a more vintage performace from Kobe might sneak the purple and gold a win in game 3 at Staples Center but that would be the only one.

The Threes: Trouble is brewing on the Western front. There is no way the Nuggets are good enough to warrant their third seed. Even though they blow less than the other teams in their division, they pale in comparison to the other Western Conference playoff teams. The New Jersey Nets finished the season strongly and deserve the seed they got. They might feel a bit hard done by, as a controversial foul call on Nenad Krstic left Indiana with a win in game one. And by controversial, I mean correct. The replays clearly show Krstic snagging Anthony Johnson's jersey as he attempted to drive to the hoop.

The Deal: It's easy to see why the Clippers intentionally tanked games down the stretch so they would face Denver instead of Dallas. If the signing of Vin Baker wasn't enough of a hint, you drink more than I do. That said, they are a step up in class from the Nuggets and have too many weapons. Denver will sneak a game or two on their home court, as Melo will attone for his awful shooting in the fourth quarter, reminiscent of Kobe Bryant against the Utah Jazz nearly a decade ago.

Indiana has to feel fortunate to have come away with game one. Not because of the refs, but because the incomparable Vince Carter had a unmemorable game. It might go to seven games, but New Jersey is the better team and will likely prevail. On a side note, is anyone else wondering what Peja was doing on the Pacer bench in the fourth quarter? You would think the guy you got for Artest would be on the floor contributing. No joke, Stojakovic straight yawned on camera with less than a minute left in the fourth quarter in a tie game. Yawned. Like, Sleepy...or Snoozy.... or whatever the hell that one dwarf was called.

The Fours: Here's where things get interesting. Dallas is too good to be only a four. Memphis looks like they're gonna pay dearly for maintaining the integrity of the game and not tanking at the end. They deserve better than they're gonna get, but karma rarely plays into professional sports... unless your name starts with B and ends in arry Bonds. The Cleveland Lebrons... I mean Cavs look awfully tough. Awfully tough, indeed. Washington might be pushing crap uphill with a wobbly stick.

The Deal: Very simply, for Memphis to have any chance, Pao Gasol has to outplay Dirk Nowitzki. And God has to place a bet on the Grizzlies.... and I haven't seen the G man anywhere near the sports book. To their credit, Memphis didn't roll over but their vaunted defense, led by Gasol's expert shot-blocking, allowed 60 first half points to the Mavs. That won't get the job done.

Lebron James added a few MVP feathers to his cap with a triple-double in his first playoff game. The last guy to do that? Well, not to draw any unfair comparisons but his friends called him Magic. That said, any team with the explosive firepower of Gilbert Arenas can stick around for a bit. If they can stop James, Washington might just have a chance. The only problem with that is that stopping him would require more than just the five guys they are allowed to have on the court. Pretty soon, we might see some thoroughbred racing-like rules implemented in basketball. Like those weights they use to slow down the really good horses? I was going somewhere with that but never mind.

Last Call: In conclusion, there don't figure to be any upsets. And no, the Clippers beating Denver will not be considered an upset. Here's to looking forward to round 2, where mismatches become less pronounced and the scales start to balance.

Parting Shot: Did anyone see Philadelphia Phillies' first baseman Ryan Howard's monster home run this weekend? I don't know if there is any truth to the rumors that a Namibian child suffered a bruised collarbone when struck by a baseball that "fell from the heavens" while playing on the outskirts of his remote village. Officially, the blast was measured at 496 feet. My question is, don't you have to wait until a ball lands to measure how far it went?

For any of you soccer fans: I got this one from George the Spurs Fan. The story is apparently this. Years back, when he managed the team, Peter Reid was walking accross the Sunderland pitch and stepped in a steaming pile of dog crap. Clearly irritated, he yelled, "Aw, who's shit on the ground!?" Not missing a beat, former Ireland international striker Niall Quinn responded with, "Me boss, but I'm pretty good in the air!!!" Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Moving targets

Each NBA offseason and regular season up to the trading deadline, teams are scrambling to acquire the needed talent and jettison the unneeded dead weight to fight for a playoff spot. Some teams did it right. Some didn't. It's pretty easy to tell which ones were successful. They're the ones still playing. The following is our analysis on this past off and regular season's key personnel moves and how they helped and hurt the participants. I was going to put these in some kind of order but that would require more Exedrin than I can currently get my hands on.

Disclaimer: Many of the trades we mention involve draft picks in one form or another. We're not bothering with 'em. The upcoming draft is projected to be one of the weakest ever and any pick with the 'conditional' tag attached to it usually ends up being worth a pack of smokes and a case of Pabst.

The Teams: Washington Wizards and Los Angeles Lakers
The Trade: Wizards send former number one overall pick Kwame Brown and Laron Profit to the Purple and Gold for Caron Butler and Chucky Atkins.
The Skinny: Butler is a known quantity. Talented and athletic, albeit injury prone, he can light up the scoreboard. He's a big reason the Wizards have a 5 seed in the East. Brown has developed into a fearsome offensive rebounder and good low post defender. He still lacks offensive touch, but his maturation contributed big time to the Lakers' late playoff drive. The other two guys are afterthoughts, although shipping Chucky out made room for the impressive growth of Smush Parker.
The Winner: The Wizards. They got a 5 seed, the Lakers got a 7. If Brown continues to improve, the scales may shift over the course of the next few seasons.

The Teams: Phoenix Suns and Atlanta Hawks
The Trade: Boris Diaw and picks to the the Suns for the re-signed Joe Johnson
The Skinny: Johnson is a good player, but bad teams have to overpay for good players in free agency... which is essentially where Johnson was before the sign and trade. Diaw, even though he's French, is nowhere near as annoying as Tony Parker and may be nearly as talented. Hmmmm....
The Winner: Phoenix in a landslide. Who knew that Diaw would turn out to be an all around talent with the skills to put a potential triple-double on the board every night? I'll tell ya who. Former owner Steve Belkin, who the other owners mutinized so the trade could go through. Who has the cheap beer on their face now!

The Teams: Milwaukee Bucks and New Orleans/Oklahoma City/BF Egypt Hornets
The Trade: Desmond Mason and a first rounder to the Hornets, Jamaal Magloire to the Bucks.
The Skinny: Mason has thrived in NO/OC. He's a natural scorer who wasn't needed in Milwaukee with sharpshooting Michael Redd already lighting it up. That said, they probably could have gotten more for him some place else than Magloire, a servicable big man.
The Winner: New Orleans by a nose. The Hornets made perhaps the biggest improvement of any team this year, even though they missed the playoffs after faltering late. The tandem of Mason and Chris Paul will keep fans coming to the game for years to come. The Bucks overpaid, but it wasn't altogether a horrible decision to grap a veteran big to tutor Andrew Bogut.

The Teams: Minnesota T-Wolves and Boston Celtics.
The Trade: Minnesota acquires Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, Marcus Banks, Justin Reed and two second-round draft picks from Boston for Wally Szczerbiak, Michael Olowokandi, Dwayne Jones and a conditional future first-round draft pick.
The Skinny: I'd rather drink O'Douls than touch this one. At some point, Ricky Davis was good... although never as good as HE would have you believe. Olowokandi has been a bust since day one with the Clippers. Wally "I have more z's in my name than 99.9999% of all words in the alphabet" Szczerbiak can light it up occasionally... but the light is growing dimmer.
The Winner: Are you serious? Why bother? Should I guess which franchise is less doomed to mediocrity as a result of this trade? Fine. Minnesota. They still have Garnett, albeit not indefinitely, and that has to count for something.

The Teams: Indiana Pacers and Sacramento Kings
The Trade: Ron Artest for Peja "I should only have one name because I'm easily as cool as Madonna...and Prince...and Pele" Stojakovic.
The Skinny: Had to be done. Artest was inactive in Indy. Peja didn't want to play for a loser.
The Winner: Tom Ziller.... I mean Sacramento. They were destined to miss the playoffs by a long shot. They might very well have been the toughest team in the West since Artest's arrival. His defense is second to none. The Spurs are not looking forward to seeing them in round 1. Surprisingly, Indiana regressed after getting Peja. Either way, they got something for nothing as far as they are concerned.

The Teams: The Clippers and Seattle Sonics
The Trade: Chris Wilcox to Seattle. Vladimir Radmanovic to L.A.
The Skinny: Wilcox is talented but the Clips needed another outside shooter to compliment Sam Cassell. They could afford to part with Wilcox already having Elton Brand and Chris Kaman.
The Winner: The Clips. Wilcox is the better player but Rado was a key puzzle piece for the Clips to acquire. He creates matchup problems that clear the post for Brand. That, and the Clips are going into the playoffs with a head of steam while the Sonics are one of the worst teams I have ever seen. They can now look forward to overpaying Wilcox to stay.

The Teams: The Clips again and the T-Wolves
The Trade: Sam Cassell a first rounder to Los Angeles for Marko Jaric and Lionel Chalmers..... are you serious..... Lionel Chalmers???
The Skinny: Jaric always looked good in L.A. when the Clips blew. On a shitty team in Minnesota, he's rotting on the bench behind Marcus Banks. Marcus effin Banks! Whatever happened couldn't have been good. Meanwhile, the supposedly declining Cassell has had a career year for the Clips.
The Winner: Do I even need to say it. Go Elgin Baylor for executing this highway robbery of a trade. The biggest winner may be point guard of the future Shawn Livingston who gets to benefit from all of Cassell's knowledge and experience.

The Teams: Half the freakin' league
The Trade: Something involving Eddie Jones, Jason Williams, Antoine Walker, Rasual Butler and some other guys.
The Skinny: Not with YOUR hands, pal. Not touching this one.
The Winner: Miami. They ended up with a starting point guard AND a talented sixth man. And for what? A grocery bagger. I still don't know exactly how this whole thing worked but clearly Miami fared better than Boston and New Orleans... and if someone else was involved in this trade, the Heat fared better than them too.

The Teams: Chicago Bulls and New York Sucks... I mean Knicks... Freudian slip...
The Trade: Eddy Curry and Antonio Davis to the Big Apple, Mike Sweetney, a pick, and Tim Thomas to Chi town.
The Skinny: If Eddy's heart (pun intended) wasn't in it in Chicago, how motivated can he possibly be on the Knicks. Sweetney needs to drop about 300 pounds but he's good enough to be an inside force with a little seasoning. Thomas was exiled from the United Center and is now in Phoenix. Davis quickly became a favorite of Larry Brown's, so Zeke traded him to Canada just to spite him.
The Winner: For now Chicago. That pick has turned out to be a possible #1, credit Paxson for predicting it. But if Curry, who has probably the most freakishly awesome physique of any player in the league, ever really gets into it, the Knicks could take the bacon on this one. Time and beer will tell.

The Teams: The Knickersuckers and Orlando Magic
The Trade: Trevor Ariza and 15 billion pennies Hardaway to Orlando for Steve Francis.
The Skinny: Remember when Isaiah Thomas played? His brilliance on the court must have misled people into thinking he wouldn't be a completely incompetent front office guy. Larry Brown has enough health problems as it is. Now throw another shoot-first guard onto the floor aside Stephon Marbury? I'm seeing premature death.
The Winner: Orlando. They get rid of a headache, and gain 15 million in cap space when Hardaway's contract expires. The only drawback for the Magic is that their blistering finish has Grant Hill talking comeback again... Meanwhile, up north, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Were there others? Probably. Were they significant? Not unless you think anything involving Dan Dickau could possibly even register in that department. This is my shot of 120 Proof. Get your own, dammit!

Name that tune...

"Swung on and missed, a perfect game!"

"High fly ball into right field.... She iiiiiiiiiiiis GONE!!!"

"Ground ball up the middle. Griffin on the bag for one, one to first... Fernando Valenzuela has pitched a no-hitter!"

If I were this good, I wouldn't have to drink so heavily. Or at least I could afford to drink more expensive booze. The great Vin Scully, through 50 years of calling baseball games, has had the privelege of announcing some of baseball's most special moments. Koufax's perfect game, Gibson's walk off job against Eckersley, Fernando's no-no... And Henry Aaron's record breaking 715th home run against Al Downing. Each one, he has handled with class, grace, and excellence. When sport's most recognizable announcer says, "I'd just as soon have that awkward moment happen to someone else," it makes you wonder. Scully was talking about the possibility of announcing Barry Bonds' potential record breaking homerun.

The thing that's following Bonds around is being loosely called a "cloud of controversy." Nobody, save for the authors of Game of Shadows, will out and say unequivocally that Bonds is a cheater. But they all know it. Several years ago, while Bonds' head was still relatively normal in size and shape, Scully once said during a game about Barry and how feared he was by opposing teams, "It seems like he bats 19 times a game, doesn't it?" Oh, how times change.

Jurisprudence: Washington National GM Jim Bowden has been arrested for drunk driving. Hey, Jim! Yay for the drunk, boo for the driving. It never ceases to amaze me how many high profile athletes and executives think they are above the law, especially this one. Don't these people know that these laws are in place so we can all get home safely and DRINK MORE!!!???

MV....L???: Lebron James has suddenly emerged as a legitimate candidate for the NBA's Most Valuable Player award. Numbers wise, he'd be as close to a lock as you can get. Personally, while I don't argue with his brilliance on the offensive end of the court, I think people are too much in a rush to have a 21-year-old MVP. He's young, classy, doesn't rape ugly chicks in Colorado, but doesn't play defense either.

Sick to his stomach: Larry Brown is still absent from the Knicks bench as he recovers from a "stomach ailment." Let's just call a spade a spade. Having to coach Stephon Marbury and Steve Francis in the same backcourt would give me ulcers too. But if I had an ulcer, I'd deal by taking a shot of 120 Proof.

One for the ages....

Tomorrow, the Los Angeles Clippers play the Memphis Grizzlies in what has the potential to be the lowest scoring basketball game in history. You see, because of David "The Moron" Stern's rediculous playoff matchup system, the loser of this game is likely to play the Denver Nuggets in the first round rather than the more formidable Dallas Mavericks. The Nuggets have wrapped up the Northwest Division title and the Western Conference's third seed by no other virtue than not sucking quite as bad as the Utah Jazz, their closest competition. All the while, the Mavericks have had a great season, let by MVP candidate Dirk Nowitzki. Despite winning 16 more games than the Nuggets, the Mavs get the fourth seed because they couldn't quite catch the World Champion San Antonio Spurs. David the Douchebag might have been the only one who didn't see the potential for sandbagging coming from a long ways off.

Our Take: Without assuming anything about the integrity of the Clips and Grizzlies organizations, this comes down to advancing in the playoffs. Mike Dunleavy already sat out Chris Kaman and Cuttino Mobley for fear that a full strength Clips team might beat the lowly Seattle SuperSonics and damage their chances at an easier first round opponent. It's shady but can you blame him? Ultimately, here is what's likely to happen. The starters will play sparingly, if at all. Don't be in any way surprised if some records for all-time lowest field goal percentage are set. Also, don't be surprised if some errant shots are "accidentally" steered home by the defensive team. Is it cheating? That depends on how you look at it. Would it be stupid of either team to try and win the game? Absofreakinlutely.

Additionally: A not alltogether unsimilar situation was unfolding late last football season when the league's two worst teams, the San Francisco 49rs and Houston Texans, squared off in a match to which the loser went the spoils; the number one overall draft pick, likely USC running back Reggie Bush. All the dumbasses who somehow lucked into ESPN jobs were having a great time, yucking it up, predicting sandbagging to rediculous proportions. To many people's surprise the 49rs showed up to play, and ended up defeating Houston and ending up further down the draft board. In hindsight, it didn't hurt the Niners to miss out on the first overall pick. Bush is not the answer in San Francisco and with their pick they'll still get to address an immediate need such as offensive line or outside linebacker.

Shot of the week: Call me a homer... or a Barry Bonds hater... or an alcoholic. None would necessarily be inaccurate. But I'm giving out a top shelf libation to L.A. Dodgers rookie reliever Tim Hamulack for drilling Barry Bonds in the eighth inning of last night's game. In the previous half inning, Giants hurler Brad Hennessey (Damn it! I left another name off the list of all-time greats!) nailed Dodger slugger Jeff Kent in the helmet with a fastball, leaving him with a mild concussion. Hennessey's errant pitch appeared accidental, but it's already the second time Kent has been drilled by a pitch and forced to leave a game this season. The Dodgers have enough injury problems as it is. Losing Kent for any extended period of time would be disastrous to them. Retaliating by plunking Bonds was 100% necessary. Hamulack was immediately ejected from the game and figures to be fined and suspended as well. Although it wouldn't be publicized, you can bet Kent and maybe a couple of other well-paid veterans will foot the bill for Hamulack's impending fine. It'll be worth it to them knowing that they have a hard throwing lefty in the bullpen who is willing to protect his hitters. Besides, it's not like Bonds was gonna get hurt. They guy wears more body armor to the plate than the United States Special Forces do on the battlefield.

Back to Buckets: This makes very little sense to me. ESPN's Mark Stein placed Orlando in the top ten of his end of season Power Rankings despite the Magic finishing nowhere near a playoff berth. By my count, at least seven of the teams finishing behind the Magic will be playing playoff basketball. Did Orlando finish strong? Sure they did. Should Mark Stein be tested for performance impeding substances for that analysis. If you ask me.... Thanks for stopping by for performance impeding substances of your own at 120 Proof.

Todd Lerner contributed to this article.

Domination

The Los Angeles Clipers have taken another step in solidifying their playoff berth by defeating the Portland YMCA.... I mean Blazers.... 97-93. As our very own Todd Lerner fearlessly predicted, Shaun Livingston was the difference. Where the Clips would have been without his 9 points is not something we would even want to THINK about. And as if that weren't enough of a contribution, he also snagged (count 'em!) two rebounds. What about Elton Brand's 25 points, you say? What about Chris Kaman's double double, you say? 10 assists from Sam Cassell? Worthless. It's all about Livingston... Make that a double please, barkeep, and throw in some bitterness on the side...

Lebron hurt his ankle against the Pistons earlier this week. He's listed as doubtful for tonight against the Knicks. There is no truth to the rumor that the Knicks have enlisted Tonya Harding to take out Zydrunas Ilgauskas to further level the playing field.

Was anyone else disappointed that the Mets and Nationals listened to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig and played yesteday's game without incident. Last time the teams met, there were 7 hit batsmen and a bench clearing incident after Nats outfielder Jose Guillen was drilled for the second time by Pedro Martinez. Baseball is not exactly what you would call an "edge of your seat" sport but the possibility of a hot-tempered Guillen bludgeoning Martinez into a pulp with his bat... pass the chips!

Under the heading of, "Why isn't it like this everywhere?", Brazilian soccer star Antonio Carlos faces a possible 1-3 year prison sentence for shouting an epithet at a black opponent. He can mitigate his sentence by agreeing to create and help to distribute leaflets saying "We are all equal" and "Say no to racism." Personally, I vote for prison. My third grade teacher making me write "I won't get hammered in class" on the chalk board 150 times didn't discourage me from continuing on a path of deviance. Also, the irony wasn't lost on me that Pele and Ronaldinho, the greatest player ever and the greatest currently, are both black Brazilians. I'll take ignorant bastards for 500, Alex.

Lastly, we posted many months ago on the greatest names in sports. It was recently brought to my attention that there used to be a hockey player named Bob Beers. I will now get me to a monestary and say 50 hail marys for that glaring omission. Then it's off to the bar to get loaded. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

No fun today

Due to the complete lack of anything really intersting to mock in the world of sports today, Todd and I have actually been doing our jobs. When the absurdity of that realization sunk in, I quickly walked to the convenient mart and purchased a bunch of those little airline bottles of booze. 10 for ten bucks, baby!

Now that I'm hammered, the report I heard on New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter is actually quite entertaining. KROQ's Ralph Garman reported this morning that Jeter made MTV sign a waiver that he wouldn't get Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher while making an appearance for the music network. Ok, Jeter is a professional athlete. Any semblance of athleticism Kutcher ever had has atrophied while he's had his head permanently attached to the inside of Demi Moore's asshole. Couldn't Jeter just mess him up if he got Punk'd?

The owner of the nightclub outside of which Denver Nuggets rookie Julius Hodge was capped straight gangsta style in his car was quoted as saying that Hodge was dressed like a gangster. No, douchebag. He was dressed the way millions of young, black males dress. He was the victim of a cowardly crime that you probably could have prevented by taking slightly greater care about the clientele you allow into your shithole. Thankfully, doctors say that Hodge is expected to make a full recovery.

What was cooler? Watching Floyd Mayweather beat up on Zab Judah in their boxing match, or wathing Floyd's uncle and trainer Roger Mayweather jump into the ring to lay the smack down a bit on Judah himself after Judah hit Floyd with a couple of cheap shots at the end of the 10th round? It can't be anything remotely resembling cool to get bitched by an old man, especially if you're a professional boxer.

The number is 86 and counting. It's how many days ago I officially propsed marriage to Lindsay Jacobellis, the uber hottie olympic snowboarder who is best known for blowing a gold medal opportunity by showboating on the homestretch of her race. I still haven't gotten a response. Damn...

Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

UPDATE -- Todd brought this to my attention. Some guy must have spent days putting this together; the 1986 World Series between Boston and New York, recreated in Nintendo's RBI Baseball. This is the coolest thing I've seen on the internet, ever. (Via destructoid.com)

Delayed departures

The University of Florida must have a severe underage drinking problem. How else can you explain that the trio of Joachim Noah, Al Horford, and Corey Brewer decided to skip the NBA draft and return to school for another year. I mean, who needs school when you've already won a NCAA Championship and are ticketed to be selected in the first round of the draft. The experts and pundits both say this year's draft will be weak, and the three Gator sophomores did wonders during their championship run to improve their stock status. Staying another year in school only gives other players the opportunity to surpass them on draft boards, ultimately costing them money, and limiting their potential drug, hooker, and midget expenditures. ::sigh:: Kids these days. When are they gonna learn?

In other news: Last week, Colorado Rockies closer Brian Fuentes was a little miffed when the Coors Field audio system blasted the Village People's "YMCA" as he entered the game instead of the hard rock tune he usually enters to. Even though "Brian Brokeback Fuentes" has a nice ring to it, the song coulda been worse believe it or not. It's Raining Men. Hit Me Baby One More Time. I Love It In The Butt. Okay, that's not really a song, but how bad would it be if it actually was one?

More balls and strikes: Barroid Bonds has only 2 hits in his first 12 at bats this season. He does have 7 walks already... but when was the last time the words "slump" was used in the same sentence with Bonds? Is this the season where the inevitable post-steroid fall off happens to Balco Barry? I'm praying to everything holy that it is. I mean, if you can't cheer for someone's failure, is it really worth cheering at all?

Finally: I'm not gonna link to it because Todd knows where I live. But our friend.... well, I guess he's only my friend now. Anyway, Tom Ziller at Sactownroyalty.com had an intersting little post regarding the Kings' recent ownage of the Clippers. Do I smell a rivaly brewing? Whatever it is I smell, it probably had something to do with last night's excessive consumption of Bud Light. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Our kind of peeps!!!

We don't cover a ton of boxing here at 120. But it's worth noting that former WBC junior middleweight champion Eckhard Dagge passed away earlier this week of cancer. The reason is very simple. He is quite possibly the coolest person that ever lived. Why, you ask? Well, in addition to being a world class boxer, he was a world class boozer. He was often heard bragging more about his drinking than his boxing prowess. Dagge was once quoted as saying, "Many World champions go on to become alcoholics, but I am the first alcoholic to become World champion." Rock on, Eckhard!

We're gonna try to be interactive here. We'd be remiss not to mention some of the other all-time great party animals in the sports world. But due to our fermentation-addled memories, I'm sure we're missing some.

George Best: The late Republic of Northern Ireland soccer star is often mentioned in the same breath as Pele, Diego Maradona, Johan Kruyff, and Franz Beckenbauer when it comes to discussions of the greatest footballers in history. He quit playing for Manchester United at the age of 27 when given the ultimatum to quit spending all night drinking and womanizing. Perhaps the coolest thing about Best is that he wouldn't let something fickle like a liver transplant keep him from the sauce. Yup. You can't make this up. Best passed away earlier this year of... you guessed it. Liver failure.

David Wells: He may be flabby, but "Boomer" as he's nicknamed is far from a useless pile on the mound. The portly lefty pitched a perfect game for the New York Yankees in May of 1998. Years later, he published a book detailing his debaucherous nightlife and characterized himself as hung over and half drunk on the day of his gem. The Yankee organization was furious over the book, but baseball insiders have not refuted any of the information in Wells' book. Go, Boomer!!!

John Daly: First of all, he has a mullet. Just when you thought he couldn't be any cooler, he won the 1996 PGA Championship as the fourth alternate. And he was plastered as all hell while doing it. If we were ranking these people in any order, Daly would have to be at the top. Any sport has got to be difficult while plowed, but none moreso than whacking a tiny ball hundreds of yards into a small hole, all the while avoiding trees, water, sand traps, and the gallery.

Charles Woodson: The former Oakland Raiders (shocker) defensive back was reportedy once arrested for alcohol related warrants at a charity golf tournament. The kicker? He was hosting the freakin' tournament! "Thanks for all you're doing for the community, Chuck. You have the right to remain silent..." If that ain't rad...

Larry Sorenson: The facts are a bit difficult to substantiate on this one. But the former major league pitcher and Detroit Tigers broadcaster has been arrested a minimum of four times for driving while impaired. Some sources have him being arrested as many as six times for the offense. The crowning achievement had to be getting arrested twice within a two week span, each time blowing more than twice the legal limit into the breath screening device. THAT, my friends, is dedication!

I'm sure I've omitted some good ones, folks. If you got one, let me have it. It's why we have a comment section! Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Private parts...

Is it really necessary for the media to report the details of an athlete's personal life? Report legal transgressions. Fine. But problems that any normal private citizen would keep behind closed doors ought to stay that way for athletes too. For example, ESPN.com reports that Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Derek Lowe suffers from and takes medication for Attention Deficit Dis.... Ooooooooh! Something shiny!

At least the stuff Lowe is taking is prescribed. Can't say the same for Dwight Gooden. The former star pitcher has been sentenced to a year and a day in prison for violating the terms of his probation. Sources say Gooden admitted that ne needs help for a cocaine problem. His lawyer, Peter Hobson, says that Gooden "...didn't whimper, he didn't cry, he didn't beg. He took it like a man." Well, Pete, that's good because for the next year and a day, he'll be whimpering, crying, and taking it like a bitch.

Usually, we try to stay away from wars of words with our fellow sports "editorialists." But I have to say, I was made aware that 120's friend Tom Ziller at sactownroyalty.com made a fearless forecast that the Sacramento Kings would overtake the Lakers and surge into the playoffs with the 7th seed in the West. That was before they got their asses handed to them by the Mavericks in one of the true, dominating performances of this NBA season. We like you, Tom, and this is the second time we're letting you off without a Fisking. No guarantees you'll be so lucky if there's a third.

Worry not, Tom. Your guys weren't the only ones who took a handing. Does it look to anyone else like the 76rs have just given up completely this season? I suppose the Cavaliers might have just been on fire. Doubtful. What happened to teams playing with heart? Sorry, Todd. It will be a cold day in hell before I give you and Alex the Cliper fan the satisfaction of admitting L.A.'s other team has any shred of legitimacy. Taking pleasure in my aggravation should suffice. Thanks, all.... or one as it may be, for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

For the complaints department, dial 1-800...

For most of his career, Shaquille O'Neal has finished seasons among the league leaders in most important categories including scoring, rebounding, and bitching about stuff. The big fella was at it again after his Heat got smacked around by Nets. Among the zingers he spat out were that it was the most rediculous game he had ever been involved him. I got news for you pal. With your foul shooting, every game you're involved in is freaking rediculous. What's super rediculous is a player calling out the head of officials, Stu Jackson. Everybody thinks the refs are out to get their team. But one person who cannot in any way complain is Shaq. Every time he gets the ball he travels. While this doesn't necessarily set him apart from most of the league, his transgression of basketball's most basic rule is the most blatant. And he has the nerve to say he gets fouled every time touches the ball. Well of course, you douchebag. If the refs let you run with the ball like it's a trackmeet, how else is a guy supposed to stop you but make contact. Oh, and the 3 second rule? Seems to be the 3 minute rule when it comes to O'Neal. Ok, to be fair, it's not 3 minutes... only because there's that pesky 24 second clock on top of the backboard. But I have literally with my own two eyes seen Shaq camp in the paint for 15 seconds while his teammates pass around the perimiter looking for a low post entry.

Our Take: Short but sweet. I think it's time the refs STOP giving Shaq the preferential treatment he has received over the years. If Rasheed Wallace makes comments half as encendiary as Shaq's, he's fined, suspended, and severely beaten by NBA's covert operations midget assassin squad. You've been called out, Stu Jackson. Time to fight back. Shaq is not a star anymore, so there's no need to coddle him. He's a washed up, has-been who likes the sight of his mug on tv. Fight back, and suspend him for 10 games without pay. I guarantee that will shut him up so neither you or, more importantly, I have to listen to his crap.

My Hero: Does anyone know the guy, or know someone who knows the guy that hucked the syringe in the direction of Barry Bonds yesterday? For the record, at 120 we don't condone or advocate in any way the winging of objects from the stands at players... unless the particular player is named Barry Bonds and plays left field for the San Francisco Giants. I'd like to buy the syringe hurler a drink. It should also be duly noted that the syringe had no needle, so there was no chance of causing anyone injury by tossing it. But way to go, dude. Way to let that guy know that all the fans who used to admire him now know beyond a doubt what a fraud he is. Oh, how I love to see the mighty fall. Could it be I have a Napoleon complex???

Parting thoughts:
Damn, Joachim Noah is good...
Albert Pujols is the best hitter I have ever seen...
If you drink enough, Jordan Farmar looks like Fred Savage...
GMU gave it a good shot, didn't they...
The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue...
What was I saying?
I lost my train of thought.
Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Fat AND famous...

It's official. Charles Barkley is in the NBA's Hall of Fame. I shake my head, knowing that his exploits on the court merit this acheivement, yet saddened by the fact that his obnoxious fat ass is in the company of the game's all time less annoying greats. I move that we invoke the little known fatass player turned commentator executed by Chinese water torture clause, in which any player possessing the above combination of traits is ineligible to be seen anywhere in public, much less on television or the Hall of Fame. I'm boycotting basketball for the next month because every game where he does halftime commentary is now gonna be infested with his co-commentators kissing his ass and asking him how it "feels to be in the Hall." Excuse me while I vomit. I guess I'll just have to take solace in the fact that he never won a championship.

I've also decided to declare my 2 year old nephew eligible for the NBA draft. I discussed it with him and we felt it was the right move for his future. Well, at least that's what I think he said. Who am I kidding? He said something nonsensical in German and drooled on me. So I figured since his intelligence is already on par with most NBAers, the next logical step would be the draft. Rumor has it he may get picked ahead of Florida's Joachim Noah. I happened to be the one that started that rumor but whatever.

Under the heading of AWESOME!: Two Swansea soccer players are facing prosecution for improper public conduct after a match at rival club Cardiff. Swansea striker Lee Trundle waved a banner at the home fans that read "F*** off Cardiff" and put on a shirt that featured a soccer player's caricature peeing on a Cardiff jersey. Teammate Alan Tate is also being investigated. I was just wondering how the NFL would react to actions like that after a football game. If spiking the ball too exuberantly after a touchdown will get you a fine, demeaning the opposition's fans could get ya 15 to 20.

There's no crying in baseball... except when your team's home opener gets rained out. Crap... Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.