Two Days in Our Lives

As with every season, just before October, we fans start getting the itch to watch some NBA action. While the start of the regular season is still a month away, EA Sports provides us an opportunity to get a virtual jump on the action via its NBA Live series of games.

Therefore, like a lamb to the slaughter, I showed up at my local game shop on Wednesday and purchased my copy of NBA Live 06. Two days, a twelve-pack of Shlitz, a bottle of Johnny Walker, and half a bottle of Advil later, I can now share with you the insights and epiphanies this game has given me.

Hey, look at me! I’m a superstar!

The newest feature in ’06 is freestyle superstar mode. Talented players in the league can qualify (if their stats are high enough) as one or more of the following types of superstars: Power, Playmaker, Shooter, Scorer, High-Flyer or Stopper. Some athletes can be a Stopper on one end of the floor and one of the other five types on the other end of the floor.

If a player is a superstar, they get additional moves which are fun to watch, like windmill jams, no-look passes, or reverse finger-rolls. But more often than not they have more form than function. Contested dunks ricochet off the rim, over-the-shoulder passes get intercepted, and rainbow three-pointers seem to miss more often than a regular one would. Regardless, when you pull one off, smack talking ensues.

Thanks for the roster update, dipshit!

Apparently, the cutoff date for roster changes was August 4th, so while critical trades, such as Jake Vohskul for Jason Hart, are reflected in the rosters, minor transactions like Michael Finley to San Antonio are missing. Realizing this, I logged onto EA Nation via my PS2’s internet connection to download a roster update. No bones. They have nothing, nada, zip, zilch and zero. So with a little help from the intarweb I was able to fix the teams up as accurately as humanly possible in just under an hour. You know, with all the money EA spends on payroll, I’m sure they could afford to hire this blogger to keep their online rosters up-to-date. I mean, really, 12-year-olds are uploading their memory card dumps to gaming websites, and EA can’t provide a damn thing? Is this too much to ask? WTF?!

Who needs the NHL?

Thanks to Live ’06, we no longer need professional hockey, as defending players do plenty of skating around the hardwood. Far too often, Earl Boykins will drive the lane right into Ben Wallace, while Ben, with his feet planted, slides backward underneath the basket and gives up the lay-up. I could swear I heard Earl yell, “Bitch!” after one of those.

Be Honest.

Except when dealing with your boss. Anyhow, in the last couple of Live games, you could get away with passing with a defender in range if the pass was a short enough one. Not so much anymore. The game forces you to keep your passing honest now, as attempts to “thread the needle” between opponents will get picked off every time. Aggravating at first, this eventually forces you to actually call for picks and use set plays.

EA is a bunch of Phoenix Suns fanboys.

Or so it seems. Pretty much every player in the starting lineup of last year’s team has been given godlike stats. To compliment this, the game has been drastically improved in terms of transition offense. Teammates will streak down the floor with you correctly, and a well-timed pass as they approach the basket results in an easy alley-oop dunk. It’s really quite impressively done, and fun when it happens.

The Celtics suck.

If Live ’06 is any indication of how the Celtics are gonna do next year, fans are in for a very long season. I mean, VERY long. Its long been known that there’s no D in Celtics, but with Antoine in Miami, it appears there’s no O either. I’m pretty sure a team consisting of Stephen Hawking, Nancy Reagan, Mini Me, Danny DeVito and Liv Tyler (this is key) could wipe the floor with them. Come to think of it, I’d really like to see that team included in next year’s game.

I suck too.

Maybe it’s the Shlitz talkin’, but I blow at this game. I never win against the AI on All-Star difficulty, and my herpes-infested Clipper-fan of a friend seems to have my number too.

But I keep playing. Look, the game is fun, when you look past it’s flaws and just play it. Nothing beats backing down Nate Robinson with Andrew Bynum and dunking on his noggin. Or swatting Allen Iverson with Yao Ming. ("Bitch!") Or scoring, in any way, with Darko. Or yelling to your friend, “Dude, I can’t believe you gave up 12 points to Boumtje-Boumtje!”

There’s never been a perfect basketball video game, but EA has kept this series entertaining, and therefore, it gets 120 Proof Ball’s stamp of approval. If you’ve played the game, leave us some comments and tell us what your take is. Or drop me an email. Thanks for taking a shot of 120 Proof.

Shots of the Week

At 120, we rarely need any kind of excuse to take a shot. However, since we are poor sons of bitches, it takes a special occasion for us to buy anyone a shot. In this, our latest attempt at starting some kind of consistent installment that our fan(s) can look forward to, we will be buying one shot for someone who we think deserves it and putting one between the eyes of someone who we'd love to shoot. It remains to be seen if our limited attention spans can handle keeping up a consistent column. But for now, here we go.

Johnny Walker Blue Label: This week's top shelf libation goes to Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis. Earlier in the week, Weis had spent some time with a 10-year-old die hard (no pun intended) Irish fan named Montana, named after former Irish and 49er quarterback Joe Montana, who was losing his battle with brain cancer. The coach agreed to let young Montana call the first offensive play from scrimmage in their upcoming game against Washington. The play? Pass right. Sadly, Montana died before the game was played but Weis kept his promise despite his team beginning its first possession on it's own one yard line. The "pass right" went for a 13 yard gain. After the game, Weis had the entire team autograph a game ball and gave it to Montana's family.

Buck shot to the ovary: This week's act of premeditated violence goes against Martha Burk. For those of you who don't remember, Burk made headlines a while back by trying get women admitted to Augusta National golf club, an all male facility. That was irritating enough because any guy who sued to gain admittance to Total Woman or any other all-female health club would be laughed out of court. But now, this exposure whore is complaining that National Hockey League advertisement in which a sexy woman helps a hockey player get his pads on is demeaning to women. Gimme a freakin' break. The spokesperson for the NHL, who just happens to be A FREAKIN' WOMAN, says the ad is not demeaning at all and the league won't pull it. The only possible conclusion we can come to is that this self-righteous bitch was suffering from media coverage withdrawal so she decided to run her man pleaser about anything that might bring her some attention. Well, if it were up to us, she'd get a swift kick to the baby maker. How the hell is it that a show like Desperate Housewives, which basically makes women look like sluts, escapes the wrath of the feminazis but a harmless NHL commercial gets caught in the maelstrom? Don't you have a cake to bake or something to vacuum?

Epilogue: Anyone who ever needs an example of people who have their priorities in order and those who have a complete lack thereof need to look no further than the above. If you know of someone in the World of sports who deserves a shot of Patron Gold tequila, chilled and served in a martini glass, for going above and beyond the call of duty or someone who needs to be struck violently in the genitals for being a douchebag, let us know. Meanwhile, thanks for stopping by for a shot of 120 proof.

The Lights are Dim

Professional athletes. They’re our heroes, our idols. They provide us with suspense, thrill, elation, deflation, laughter, tears, and outright dumbfoundedness at their often insipid rhetoric. At 120, we’re amazed that after centuries of organized sport being covered by the media that its esteemed athletes still manage to utter the most offensive and ignorant remarks imaginable. We had a couple of gems this week, starting with our national passtime’s most prolific homerun hitter.

Barroid… er, Barry Bonds lashed out at the media and Congress during an interview after being asked about steroid use. In a voice closely resembling Michael Jackson’s, the surly slugger asserted that Congress has bigger problems to worry about in our country than steroid use in baseball. Shifting in his seat (probably because his retracted testicles were sitting uncomfortably somewhere in his digestive tract) he also asserted that the media should be less critical of pro athletes, many of whom are sending money to aid the victims (Is that a proper term? Wouldn’t wanna use ‘refugee’ or something offensive…) of Hurricane Katrina. His words were, “Don’t criticize. Help.”

Our Take: Go to hell, you God damn coward. How dare you hide behind the most devastating national disaster to hit our country in a 100 years. How dare you use hundreds of people dying and thousands more losing everything they own as a force field to deflect questions about your obvious performance enhancing drug use. Oh wait. What’s that? You donated money? So did I, dickhead. And I make 14.97 million dollars less than you do a year. Blow me.

Aptly named Washington Nationals outfielder Ryan Church has found himself at the center of religious controversy in the clubhouse. According to the Washington Post, Church asked the team’s chapel leader if Jews were condemned to hell because they didn’t believe in Christ. The team allegedly suspended the chapel leader for his involvement and affirmative response in the discussion with Church. The Nats also released a statement saying that Church is not the type of person who questions the beliefs of others and that the opinions rendered during the discussion in no way reflect the stance of the team. Good grief… Would he ask a question like that if he wasn’t a freakin’ bigot?

Our Take: Ok, Al Campanis loses his job with the Dodgers because of his insensitive remarks about blacks. Two and half decades later, John Rocker becomes the all-time foot-in-mouth king for his remarks about homosexuals and minorities. Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott was vilified and ultimately removed by MLB as the team’s controlling partner for claiming that Adolf Hitler actually “did some good things.” Okay, folks. Listen up. The next professional athlete that decides to make ethnically questionable remarks in a public forum needs to be mercilessly flogged with a bamboo pole and suspended by the governing body of their sport. I have had it to here…

Does this piss you off too or am I totally off base? Drop me a note and let me know. Thanks for stopping by for a shot of 120 proof.

Fourth and Long

I love football. It really only takes 2 weeks of regular season play to figure out what most teams are going to do. The self-proclaimed experts said a lot of things about a lot of teams and now they look like idiots. Not to be the vulture above the carnage, but now is really the perfect time to label teams as the smoke screens from training camp have cleared.

The Good: Keep an eye on these teams. They’ll be players come Wintertime.

New England Patriots: They looked like crap against Carolina. But don’t be fooled. They’re still one of the toughest teams in the league. The defense has taken some significant damage though. Another Super Bowl championship is a reach.

Pittsburgh Steelers: All the analysts predicted a sophomore slump for Ben Rothlisberger after his miserable pre-season. Dumbshits. He’s looked brilliant and so has running back Willie Parker. They’re the best team in the AFC.

Kansas City Chiefs: Offense was never the problem for these guys. Their Achilles heel was a poor secondary. The acquisition of Patrick Surtain among others has changed that. Granted, they’ve only played the Jets and Raiders so far but a 2-0 start is a good omen for these guys.

Indianapolis Colts: See above. Their defense blew last year. Then they held Jacksonville to 3 points this weekend. Look out. Homefield in the playoffs is not out of the question.

Philadelphia Eagles: A disappointing loss to the Falcons followed by a mauling of the 49ers in week 2. It’s safe to say that the latter is much more indicative of this team than the former.

Carolina Panthers: Losing Kris Jenkins (again) is devastating to their defense. Still, they can beat good teams. Forget ye not, they almost beat the Pats in the Superbowl two years ago with largely the same team. They must be competitive, right?

The Bad: It’s early enough for fans to still be optimistic no matter how awful their teams are. These squads are particularly rough because they actually give the illusion of competence from time to time.

St. Louis Rams: They came within mere yards of starting 0-2 against the 49ers and Cardinals. That’s bad. Especially with their immense talent. Mike Martz must be the worst coach in the history of football.

Seattle Seahawks: The opposite of the Rams. They have very little talent but are well coached. Still, an awful division plus an easy schedule makes this team look better than it is.

Arizona Cardinals: They suck, but they won’t be pushovers for anyone. Kurt Warner is a huge upgrade at QB. Before he spent three seasons fighting injuries, he was on pace to become one of the greatest that ever lived.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Don’t be fooled by their unbeaten start. Once defenses stack the line of scrimmage to stop Cadillac Williams, their glaring lack of a passing game will be exposed.

The Ugly: My favorite category. People actually thought these teams were gonna be good. Have another one, guys. On us.

Minnesota Vikings: Now that Randy Moss is gone, Daunte Culpepper’s true colors are shining through. 8 turnovers in two games. I actually heard some ‘experts’ pick them as the best team in the NFC. I’m loving it. I wonder how many times Daunte is gonna do that stupid touchdown celebration of his this season. God I hate him…

Green Bay Packers: I love Brett Favre. How can you not. Too bad he has nobody with him besides Ahman “the fumble machine” Green. Back to back losses against Detroit and Cleveland are evidence enough.

Buffalo Bills: They ditched Drew Bledsoe and Travis Henry in favor of (gulp) J.P. Losman and “Whatchu talking ‘bout” Willis McGahee. Good moves? Not so much…

Oakland Raiders: Randy Moss is the savior. With his immense talent there is no way this offense won't kick ass! Except for the fact that he's a receiver. That implies that he needs a quarterback that can throw him a pass. It's gonna be a long season in O-town.

On the Fence: There are a lot of variables that play into these guys. Not even 120 Proof’s crack (ed out) squad can figure out what these teams are gonna do. It mainly boils down to the guys taking the snaps.

Atlanta Falcons: With Mike Vick, good. Without him, bad. He’s injury prone and already has a dodgy hamstring this season. They could go 11-5 or 5-11 depending on their star quarterback’s legs.

Chicago Bears: Stop laughing. Seriously. Their defense is phenomenal. If new starting helmsman Kyle Orton plays like he did against the Lions, they could sneak into the playoffs. If he’s this year’s Craig Krenzel, their on track for a top five draft pick.

Cincinnati Bengals: Carson Palmer looks good, doesn’t he. If he can get Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmanzadeh the ball, look out. I’m just not quite convinced yet.

NY Jets/Giants: Same deal for both teams. If Chad Pennington is healthy, they’ve got a shot. If not… This will be the season where we see if Eli rates against Peyton. I have my doubts. With Curtis Martin/Tiki Barber in their respective backfields, neither needs to be the second coming of Phil Simms/Joe Namath. They just have to be good enough.

Cleveland Browns: I’m going on a limb here. The know-it-alls say this is the worst team in football. I say, “Hey bartender! How about another one over here!” Oh yeah, I also say that Trent Dilfer has won everywhere he has played. That includes a Superbowl with a very mediocre Baltimore Ravens team. Speaking of which…

Da Ravens: Their defense is still the best in the league. If somebody from the Kyle Boller/Anthony Wright/ Whoever the hell their 3rd stringer is trio can be even remotely decent, they can reach the post season. Not even the super-talented, coke dealing Jamal Lewis can run against 9 man fronts.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Remember how well David Garrard played in place of an injured Byron Leftwich last season? Unless Lefty focuses on the game instead of flipping opposing teams’ coaches off, Garrard should play. And he would lead this team to the playoffs. Guaranteed. He’s the best backup in the business.

New Orleans Saints: Hurricane Katrina took their home and devastated their fans. Then they beat Carolina in Week 1. Suddenly, everybody’s talking about their emotional triumph and all that stuff. I don’t know what to make of this team. Despair turns cowards into brave men…. Much like alcohol turns ugly chicks hot.
I mean, much like tragedy turns ordinary folks into heroes.

Not worth mentioning: Obviously, I left several teams out. It’s honestly pointless to talk about teams doomed to a losing season. Yes, they all fit into the “Ugly” category. Yes, it might have been fun. But I’m approaching porcelain God prayer and time is running short. How’s this? If you don’t see your team mentioned, they suck ass. Good enough? I just puked on my shoe. Dammit.

If you don’t agree with something I said, you’re wrong. Still, feel free to send me an email telling me what a deluded moron I am. Thanks for stopping by for a shot of 120 Proof.

Snazzy, Ain't It?

Well, the staff got together for our weekly brainwashing, er, brainstorming session. Two bottles of Johnny Walker later, we have a new post up by Torsten on the Coolest Names in Sports, and by popular demand, the site has been redesigned.

In the redesign process we put up some of our favorite pictures from the wacky world of sports. If you have any funny pictures we missed, email them to us!

The Coolest Names in Sports

Everybody can remember some kid from high school whose parents were obviously smoking something when they filled out the birth certificate. Problem with these kids is, they never gain enough fame or notoriety in life to have their names become the butt of our sophmoric jockularity. Well, to give hope to all you losers out there with messed up names, (and yes, I'm fully aware my name is Torsten) here's our list of sport's greatest names.

Honorable Mentions

Dick Trickle: Famously unsuccessful stock car driver or herpes symptom? You tell me.

Dick Pound: Get this. He's on the Olympic Committee's anti doping agency. Think he ever tested his parents?

Rusty Kuntz: Anyone think dick trickles can lead to rusty kuntz?

World B. Free: Ok. If your parents screwed you, it's one thing. If you choose your name and can't do better than World B. Free, you better become an NBA allstar or something. Right...

Dick Pole: I swear I'm not making this up. There are baseball cards out there that prove it.

Cookie Belcher: If this Sacramento King NBDL'er ever makes the big squad, I'm so buying the jersey... and inviting him to Thanksgiving dinner.

De'Cody Fagg: I wonder if this Florida State University wide receiver gets made fun of. I won't be in a hurry to buy his jersey if he ever makes the NFL.

Dick Butkus: Hey! Your name is Dick Buttkiss! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. ::punch:: ::thud:: Ok! Ok!!! OK!!!!!!! I wonder how many times that happened...

Grand Master Champions

Drumroll please.... Keep in mind that we at 120 Proof are completely impartial and would not under any circumstance let our personal opinions and biases (or lifestyles for that matter) influence the outcome of such a prestigious survey. ::sound of envelope ripping:: WTF is this!!!??? We have a three way tie! The winners are...

Carlos Boozer: My man Carlos! If you ever need a job after the NBA, come look us up. You'll fit right in!

Jonathan Bender: What a coincidence! I'm on one right now!

Jonny Walker: I've never seen him play but there is no doubt in my mind that the Columbus Crew netminder is the greatest goalie in the history of soccer. Can I get a free bottle of Black Label for that ass kiss? What do you mean, no relation!!!???

If you couldn't tell by our posts the last couple of weeks, there has to have been some kind of black hole that sucked all that is newsworthy in the world of sports into oblivion. Join us in prayer to the (porcelain) Gods that something worth writing about happens before my liver takes a one way ticket to hell. If ya follow the pigskin, stay tuned. After week two of the regular season 120's gonna tell you why you need not bother watching another game, as the Superbowl champ has already been decided. Thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

The Almost Best Sports Movies Ever

Is there really anything better than kicking back and watching a good sports movie? Yes! Getting hammered and watching a good sports movie! The thing is, there aren’t very many. And we’ve all already seen Bull Durham, Hoosiers, The Natural, Rocky, and every other staple of the clichéd, fat-ass business man, best sports movie debate three billion times. But despair not, young alkies. 120 has you covered. The next time some deluded moron verbally ejaculates his turd-covered opinion on this subject all over you, fire back with some of these gems. BEHOLD!!! The most underrated sports movies of all time.

Tin Cup: Granted, it did star Kevin Costner. Also granted, there was a romantic sub plot. Aside from these obvious fecal smears, this movie is quite fun. And we’re not just being biased because Costner’s character is a washed up alcoholic. Cheech Marin’s portrayal of Romeo the caddie is as spot on a performance down to every nuance as anyone in a similar role has ever given. Lastly, Rene Russo as always is smokin’ hot.

Killer Quote: “You don’t need to be thinking immortality. You need to be thinking hit the seven iron!”

Major League: How this movie ends up being snubbed by every shmoe who does one of these lists is completely beyond me. They must drink more than we do. Take note ESPN. Even though it stars Charlie Sheen, the ensemble cast is sparkling. The embodiments of Tom Berenger as the veteran catcher Jake Taylor, James Gammon as Lou Brown, the manager, and Dennis Haysbert as the eccentric slugger Pedro Serrano are brilliant. Not to be overlooked is hall of fame broadcaster Bob Euker as the alcoholic play-by-play announcer Harry Doyle. I’ve never laughed so hard.

Killer Quote: You can’t pick just one. There are so many…
Lou Brown to Willie Mays Hays: “You might run like Mays but you hit like shit…”
Harry Doyle: “Haywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes he looks like a party favor.”
Harry Doyle 2: “The Duke leads the league in ERA, strikeouts per nine innings and hit batsmen. He once threw at his own kid in a father/son game.”
Serrano: “Is very bad drink Jobu’s rum. Is very bad…”
Ed Harris: “Hey bartender! Jobu needs a refill!”

White Men Can’t Jump: This is probably the best hustling movie since… The Hustler. This movie shines despite the super played out theme of racial tension between white and black stars turning into them being best friends. Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson display unbelievable screen chemistry. As icing on the cake, the basketball sequences are remarkable true to street ball… except for that one scene where Harrelson makes a 75 foot hookshot into a crooked rim to get his super annoying girlfriend, played by even more super annoying Rosie Perez, onto the set of Jeopardy. I’ll take bullshit for 500, Alex.

Killer Quote: “The sun even shines on a dog’s ass some days.”

Best of the Best: Okay, so the acting here was less than brilliant. But Darth Vader was the freakin’ karate coach! Booyah! I’d pay a million pesos to see James Earl Jones even attempt a spinning heel kick. Major props to Sally Kirkland. You know that all the guys were sportin’ boners (boni?) watching her kick some ass. On the negative side, Eric Roberts sniveled like a beyotch beggin Darth to let him back on the team, and squealed like a piglet when Tommy popped his dislocated shoulder back into place. Wuss…

Killer Quote: “You know where you are, Virgil?” “On the floor.”

Cool Runnings: Ah, those silly Jamaicans. Thinking they can bobsled. Oscar worthy, this film was not. That said, Leon, John Candy, and Doug E. Doug are a lot of fun. Believe it or not, you actually end up pulling for these guys. The movie is extremely loosely based on the true story. However, it held true in depicting that the Jamaicans were in the running for a medal before their sled flipped on the final run. On the flip side, it got a bit sappy at the end when the evil East German team captain decided to turn nice and lead the applause as the Jackies carried their sled across the finish line.

Killer Quote: “You want to kiss my egg?”

Happy Gilmore: I still haven’t gotten the urine stains out of my pants from this movie. Adam Sandler doesn’t remind anyone of Sir Laurence Olivier, but more than makes up for it with a genuine enthusiasm for his role. He also got a helping hand from Christopher MacDonald, who plays the detestable Shooter McGavin brilliantly. The premise of the movie is pretty weak, but if you didn’t laugh ad nauseum during this flick, check your pulse.

Killer Quote: Once again, I failed to pick a favorite from the following
“Here comes the putter throw!”
“I still hold two records from my high school team. Most time spent in a penalty box, and I was only guy ever to take my skate off and try to stab someone with it.”
“Doin’ the bull dance. Feeling the flow. Workin’ it. Workin’ it.”

The following movies also warranted consideration but were either too mainstream, too lame, or I spent the pivotal part of the movie barfing like an ipecac addict.

Searching for Bobby Fisher: Great flick. Too bad the dipshit ended up being an anti semite. Chess isn’t really a sport anyway, is it?
North Dallas Forty: You think football ain’t tough? Ask Nick Nolte’s character.
Air Bud: Just kidding.
O: Very interesting modern Shakespeare adaptation. Mekhi Phifer was brilliant, even if the movie lacked oomph.
This Sporting Life: Richard Harris is a legend. And Rugby players are nuts.
Undisputed: I would not mess with Ving Rhames or Wesley Snipes in this prison/boxing flick. Two words. Freaking…. bad….ASS!
Legend of Bagger Vance: The Rocky of golf movies. Except not as good. Or as bloody. Still worth a peek if you’re a fan of the links.

We received a vote for Juwanaman to be in this article too. However, the determination was made that the placer of that vote let the derpes get to his brain. Don’t ask. If we left something out, let us know. Thanks for stopping by for a shot of 120 proof. And please stop by more often. I lost my ass on the football games this weekend.

Great Expectations

The Miami Heat have made aggressive moves this offseason, snagging Jason Williams, James Posey and Antoine Walker. Meanwhile, the Spurs have added Michael Finley and Nick Van Exel to a team already featuring stars such as Tim Duncan, Jason Terry and of course, Manu Ginobli.

While common sense dictates that a great team, plus more stars, yields an even better team, we here at 120 Proof say to hell with common sense... and sobriety. History shows that great expectations often end in squandered opportunities. Join us as we revisit some of the teams known most for coming up short, and feel free to point and laugh when we do.

1990-1994 Buffalo Bills: The bastard child of New York football, the Bills appeared in 4 straight Super Bowls, not winning a single one. Not even with hall of fame quarterback Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas, and Andre Rison could the fearsome Buffalo offense ever score more than 24 points in the Big Game. The closest they came was a missed field goal by Scott Norwood, who holds a spot high on the list of sports' all time greatest pariahs. Ooh, I smell another article coming!

Little Known Fact: Norwood was vilified for his miss. However, his attempt at the game winner was from 48 yards out in frigid weather and poor field conditions; certainly not easy by anyone's standards.

1988 NY Mets: This team was more loaded than Robert Downey Jr. on a bender. An offense boasting Darryl Strawberry, Howard Johnson, and Kevin McReynolds rivaled the best of the entire decade. There was also no better pitching staff than Mets group of Dwight Gooden (pre crack habit), Bobby Ojeda, Ron Darling, David Cone and Roger McDowell among others. Two years removed from a World championship, it’s still a mystery how they lost in the NLCS to the injury-riddled Dodger squad that eventually won the whole thing.

Little Known Fact: Everybody remembers Kirk Gibson’s dramatic dinger against the A’s to win Game 1 of the World Series. But for them to even get there, it took a ninth inning blast by Dodger catcher Mike Scioscia off of Gooden in Game 4.

1980 Soviet Olympic Hockey: They were professionals; a relentless, invincible machine. They boasted the World's finest goaltender in Vadislav Tretiak, and perhaps the best player to ever lace up skates, Boris Mikhailov. And yes, I have heard of Wayne Gretzky. Save it. Anyway, the US team was a bunch of college kids. A few of them went on to the NHL, but not many. The unbeatable Russians figured to smash the Americans like bugs, just like they did in a qualifying match two weeks earlier. The only problem was, the Red White and Blue wasn't havin' it. Mike Eruzione scored the game-winner in the third period to cap what was certainly the greatest upset in Olympic history.

Little Known Fact(s): The victory against the Soviets did not win the gold for the US. They still had to defeat Finland in the finals, which they did, 4-2. They almost didn't even make it past the first round. Defenseman Bill Baker scored the tying goal in the last minute of regulation against a very strong Swedish squad; one the US had not beaten since 1960.

2001 St. Louis Rams: Coming off of a devastating loss to the New Orleans Saints in the 2000 playoffs, the Horned ones ripped through the playoffs to meet with an upstart and hugely underdogged New England Patriot team. The Rams had the NFL’s most prolific offense with MVP quarterback Kurt Warner, Marshall Faulk, and the all-pro receiving duo of Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt. There was no way that the bottom-third Pats defense could stop them -- Except for the fact that they did. A 48 yard field goal by Adam Vinatieri as time expired clinched it for New England.

Little Known Fact: Everybody knows Tom Brady now. But they wouldn’t if the Patriots’ 100 million dollar quarterback Drew Bledsoe hadn’t sustained a serious injury earlier in the season. Oh yeah, the Pats started the campaign with only one win in their first five games.

1998 - 1999 Utah Jazz: They were a team hand-tailored over the late 90’s to defeat Micahel Jordan’s Chicago Bulls. In fact, in both of the prior two seasons, they had come up short against them in the NBA Finals. With the Bulls now dismantled, the Jazz, featuring Karl Malone, Bryon Russell, Jeff Hornacek, John Stockton and Shandon Anderson, stormed to a league best record. In the process, Malone was given league MVP honors. However, the Jazz were handed their asses in the conference semi’s by a younger Portland Trailblazers squad in six games, in what can only be seen as a head-scratcher; the Blazers were promptly routed in four games by the Spurs in the conference finals.

Little Known Fact: Adding insult to injury, the very next season, the Blazers defeated the Jazz 4-1, once again in the semi-finals. And, if you’re a Karl Malone fan, first have a shot of tequila, then read on.

2003 – 2004 Los Angeles Lakers: Phil Jackson and Jerry Buss cemented the argument that the L.A. Lakers should be renamed to the Hollywood Lakers when they picked up geriatric versions of Gary Payton and Karl Malone and inserted them into a team featuring Kobe, Shaq and Derek Fisher. There were skeptics, of course, but when L.A. managed to sneak past the dominant Spurs squad in the conference semi’s, every expert in the nation had them pegged to take it all. The Pistons, however, had other plans, and eliminated the Lakers in five games in the Finals, as injuries plagued Malone, and Gary Payton forgot how to play defense.

Little Known Fact: During the Finals, Detroit fans surrounded the hotel the Lakers were staying in, during the wee hours of the morning and harassed the team with megaphones and chants, prior to being broken up by police. 120 Proof wants to know why we weren’t invited to the party.

I could go on like this all day, but Ron Bicardi has other plans for me. Meanwhile, drop us some comments on any teams we forgot about. Or send me mail! Stop by soon, as Torsten has another weekly roundup on the way.

Torsten the Great contributed to this article.

Did you know?

At 120 Proof, we want to make sure that our loyal fans, all three of them, are kept up to date on what's really important in the Wide World of Sports. So here's some food for thought, or as we prefer it, drink for thought.

Earl Boykins: The Nuggets' diminutive point guard was credited with 16 blocked shots last season. Do you think he yelled, "NOT IN MY HOUSE, BEYOTCH!" after each one? We would.

Sidney Ponson: The Baltimore Orioles released the lardass right hander for violating the personal conduct clause present in all Major League Baseball contracts. Ponson was recently charged with his second DUI offense since January. He also spent 11 days in jail in his native Aruba for getting in a fight with a judge. And they released him? That kind of behavior will get you a BONUS on the Trail Blazers. Maybe he took up the wrong sport.

Joe Horn: A couple of seasons ago, the Saints wide receiver received all kinds of criticism for celebrating a touchdown by pulling a cellphone out of the protective padding around the goalposts and pretending to make a call. 120 happens to think that the only thing cooler would have been to pull a cold 40 of Old English out of the aforementioned padding and pound it. We're biased. Sue us. Anyway, the oft-ridiculed wideout deserves a ton of credit for going to visit Katrina refugees at the Astrodome. Horn spent several hours talking to victims, playing with kids and signing autographs. Visibly distraught, he was quoted as saying, "Anyone can throw money at these people. But they need love." Despite preaching love over money, Horn has also contributed thousands of dollars of his own loot to the relief efforts. 'Atta boy Joe.

Lorenzen Wright: While he's at it, maybe Horn could throw a little love Wright's way. Wright allegedly pulled a gun and aimed it at a man's head after he found him in the same house as his wife. The police report made no mention of whether the guy was tappin dat ass. Draw your own conclusions.

Amnesty Clause: Now that the new CBA has allowed teams to jettison one of their overpaid, underproducing lugs to save some luxury tax cash, everybody should be getting paid approximately what they're worth, right? Not so much, says Sean Deveney from the Sporting News. I enjoyed this article. You should too.

120 Proof had a very disturbing conversation the other day. One of these days, our beloved professional athletes are going to start behaving themselves and performing up to the standard set by their paychecks, thus leaving 120 with nothing to write about. Yeah. And we're gonna stop drinking... Thanks for taking a shot of 120 Proof. Got any ideas for a future rant? Email me. But be sure to use only very small words and try to photoshop in some cartoons. It may keep me interested long enough to actually consider your suggestion.

Notable Nomads

In one of our few and far between moments of sobriety, we here at 120 noticed that a few noteworthy players have hooked on with new teams recently. When we realized this (our sobriety) we quickly remedied that with a liter of Tito’s Vodka. Hand made in Texas. Good stuff. Along with the sauce, came the desire to keep you, our 120 Proof faithful, abreast of the goings on by sharing with you our inebriated insight.

Michael Finley: As if the Spurs weren’t good enough already. The Heat and the Suns were also aggressively pursuing the talented small forward but he elected to go with the defending champs instead. And who can blame him. He probably won’t reach his career average of 19 PPG but he’s a lock for double figures. His arrival instantly makes the Spurs odds on favorites to repeat.

Shareef Abdur-Rahim: Hard-working, stand-up veterans just don’t fit in with the Jail Blazers. Imagine Sacramento’s glee when Rahim became available after the whole New Jersey fiasco; the Nets balked because of an apparently dodgy knee. The Kings figure it’s not a big deal since it has never caused him to miss any games and they’re probably right. The royal ones were destined for mediocrity this season, but with Shareef’s arrival, they are viable playoff contenders.

Nick Van Exel: Remember him from our Titans of Tantrum article? Well, he’s still around and bringing his career average of 15PPG to San Antonio. As if they weren’t good enough. Haven’t I said that already? At age 33, he can’t handle full-time duty anymore. Backing up Tony Parker, he won’t have to. In limited minutes, a healthy Van Exel can keep up with the game’s best point guards. No word yet if there’s any truth to the rumor that Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Julius Erving, and Wilt Chaimberlain’s ghost are coming out of retirement to join the Spurs also.

Derek Anderson: A “victim” of the amnesty clause, D.A. is bringing his game down south. The Rockets snapped up the veteran 2 guard, most likely completing a very successful offseason. Yao and Stromile Swift will be a great inside combo for years and, despite advancing age, Anderson is still a very good outside shooter. The Rockets were gonna make the playoffs anyway. The ride ought to be even smoother now. It’s kind of like the difference between 12 and 18 year old scotch…

Aaron McKie: Last season was the worst, statistically, of his career. But, he used to be a very nice backcourt compliment to Allan Iverson in Philly. The Lakers are hoping that teaming up with Kobe Bryant will bring about a revival for McKie. Coach Phil Jackson likes big guards who can play defense and Aaron fits that bill. He won’t be the Lakers’ savior as they will still struggle to make the playoffs but he’s a step in the right direction.

Mikki Moore: All the Sonics needed to compete for a title this season was a star center like…. I’m sorry. I just laughed so hard, vodka and grapefruit juice came out my nose… Moore looked good at times for the Clippers last season. He’s a fairly decent role player and shot blocker but don’t expect him to vault Seattle into the realm of the elite.

Pretty much all the good free agents are off the market now. That, of course, only holds true if you share 120’s opinion that the NBA’s remaining will-work-for-food guys like Robert “Tractor” Traylor and Lawrence Funderburke are better off at Jenny Craig than on an NBA roster. Seriously, any general manager who takes a flyer on one of these guys is a bigger masochist than the guy who designed the "raised plus" hole at Golf N’ Stuff. If I ever get my hands on that prick… Anyway, thanks for stopping by for a shot of 120 proof. Stay tuned for more of our alcohol-clouded, narrow-minded, completely biased and jaded rhetoric soon.