Why on Earth would we at 120 do an NBA Power Rankings article? Seriously. It's not as if we consider ourselves legit or anything. But seriously, this NBA Summer can only be described as a Jerry Springer episode. Kevin Garnett switched conferences, Kobe failed (so far) in his attempt to flee Lakerland, followed by the knock-down-drag out saga of MSG vs. Anucha Browne-Sanders, the tragic death of Eddie Griffin, and finally, the apparent return to prominence of the USA national team.
Now, we'll admit it. We're really only writing this because we've seen other power rankings articles pop up on various sports sites, and we have an inferiority complex. That, and those that have written them so far have put such an appalling lack of effort/research into them, that even on two jugs of Carlo Rossi our insight should look Einsteinian.
Take
this article by Mark Stein of ESPN.com. Not that the Lakers are championship material by any stretch, but to have them ranked behind both Milwaukee and the Bobcats can only be explained in one way.
Hmmmm, who should I put at 18. How about the Bobcats! For an embryonic franchise, they've really shown signs of... embryonic... why do I suddenly feel like I'm missing something? Embryonic. Embryos come from semen, semen comes from sex with ugly white women, sex with ugly white... KOBE ! Dammit! How did I forget the Lakers?! Ah, screw it. I'll just slot them in at 19 and maybe no one will notice.And one more thing. In an attempt to delay the inevitable fistfight over who should be number 2 instead of 3, Todd and I will be doing this via reverse order and process of elimination. Vodka anyone?
The Popov: Hey, there may not be an Oden or Durant to hope for this year, but I'm sure that won't do much to stop the tanking after a couple months for these teams.
30. Portland Trail BlazersThe Good News: Not much. Winning the draft lottery and getting Greg Oden, only to lose him to microfracture surgery for the season is kind of like giving us a Finlandia and Tonic, only to yank it out of our hands before we can drink it. On the bright side, they're our favorite to get the most ping pong balls in next year's lottery, and might very well have the luxury of going into the future sporting back-to-back first overall picks.
The Bad News: They traded their most productive player, the top pick is shelved for the year, and the state of Oregon is sorely lacking in good bars. As young teams are prone to do, they'll struggle mightily. With all the young talent on the roster, and another top five pick likely on the way, they'll be very good one day. It just won't be this day. 18-64
29. Sacramento KingsThe Good News: Well, nothing. This once-proud franchise continues to dissolve, as a clear leader at PF hasn’t been established between Shareef Abdur-Rahim and the reprehensible Kenny Thomas. After multiple attempts to give him away, the team continues to be stuck with ticking time bomb Artest, and Mike Bibby is coming off an awful year and rumors that the team would have been happy to trade him for Jason Kidd. Well, at least they drafted an unathletic white guy named Spencer Hawes and signed Mikki Moore.
The Bad: Well, outside of Kevin Martin not completely sucking, the team continues to wear purple, and most of the cheerleaders and Mike Bibby continue to look like Bea Arthur.
AIDS Epidemic News: Not only did the Kings draft the second coming of Shawn Bradley, but he comes equipped with a history of knee problems. Did I mention
he’ll be Greg Oden’s Halo 3 partner this season? Hey, hot tip: If you're scouting for a professional team, and you're looking at a prospect who's already had microfracture surgery on his knee at 14, you might wanna keep lookin'. By the way, who the hell gets microfracture surgery at age 14, anyhow? Is that even legal? You know, my nephew had a real promising pitching career ahead of him before he went in for Tommy John surgery at eight. Never did throw the same… 19-63
28. Indiana PacersThe Good News: Well, they still have Jermaine O'Neal. But that's kind of like saying,
"Well, we still have a case of Heineken." at the party after the free-loaders already downed all the Grey Goose and Stella. They'll likely trade him before the deadline for picks and/or prospects.
The Bad News: Larry Bird is essentially the white Isaiah Thomas, minus the sexual harrassment and stuff. We understand the whole "overhaul the roster and remake the image of the franchise" deal. But is it necessary to pick up two of the worst contracts in basketball (see Junior Dunleavy and Troy Murphy) and alienate the one star-quality player on your team in the process? Record-wise, they may not finish as bad as we have them, but they've free-fallen since the Reggie days.
The Interesting Possibility News: Somewhere out there, some genius GM is plotting a three team trade involving Indiana and New York where he nets David Lee and Jeff Foster, just so he can ensure that nobody on the other team ever grabs a single rebound. Somebody PLEASE make this happen. 20-62.
27. Minnesota TimberwolvesThe Good News: You can't really say that there's a lot of good in trading your franchise player away. But hey, despite waiting at least one year too long to make this trade, they still got decent return for KG in the form of Al Jefferson, one of the game's rising young stars and a devastating post presence. Also, if you buy into the "Defense Wins Championships" mantra, they did well to nab Corey Brewer in the draft.
The Bad News: When you win only 32 games
WITH one of the best players of this generation, and then trade him in the off-season, you usually don't improve. The acquisition of Juwan Howard, who was last good in the Clinton administration, was questionable at best. Lastly, no team with Kevin McHale making the decisions will ever have any measurable success. He's like the white Isaiah Thomas. Wait, I already used that one for Larry Bird? Crap. Okay, he's basketball's version of Matt Millen.
The Are You Kidding Me News: Now, nobody on the T-Wolves will admit this, but they drafted a guy in the second round named Chris Richard, and it appears they did so because Mark Madsen faces spending the first part of the season on IR due to an injury. Let me get this straight. You spent a second round pick on a guy to make up for the loss of Mark effin Madsen? Never mind trading KG but losing Mark Madsen??? That's gonna be the real reason they finish with one of the league's worst records this season, you wait and see. Their record will be worse than Indiana's but they get a bonus points because their young guns will get a lot of experience. 22-60.
26. Memphis GrizzliesThe Good News: Juan Carlos Navarro was an absolute steal, and offers the added benefit of being Pau Gasol's close buddy from the Spanish national team. Plus, the Darko Milicic signing was probably the bargain of the offseason. At the very least, he'll be a shot-blocking, rebounding machine in the paint. At best... well, let's be realistic. But there's no reason to believe that he shouldn't be mentioned in the same sentence as Shawn Marion and Andrei Kirilenko when it comes to defensive prowess. This is the year he proves it.
The Bad News: They still suck. Teams were knocking down their door at the trade deadline last season about acquiring Gasol. When healthy, Gasol is a complete player, and would likely be considered a superstar if he got more exposure. But he's injury prone and slight, so all that banging he does in the post virtually guarantees him of missing portions of every season. Now, if Memphis can just get Milicic to do all that banging for him...
Coincidental News: Imagine Darko about a foot shorter, with a bit more of a sloped forehead (think Geico Caveman without the beard), and a mean streak, and you get
Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United's bruising and brilliant central defender and noted cheap shot artist. 24-58.
25. Los Angeles ClippersThe Good News: Well, they drafted pretty well. Al Thornton is an athletic, 6’8” wing with wide shoulders who can clean the glass; basically, the Clips are replacing Corey Maggette before he bolts. They also drafted a promising, if undersized, point guard in Jared Jordan and promptly traded him to New York for an undersized point guard named Dan Dickau who isn’t the least bit promising.
The Bad News: The Clippers entered the offseason as headless horsemen with Shawn Livingston’s leg looking like a scene from Hostel and Sam Cassell on life support. In the ensuing months, Elton Brand snapped his achilles, and the team’s biggest signings have been circus midget Brevin Knight, a convicted sex offender, and Dan Dickau. Tim Thomas will be relied on this season to add new facets to his game, such as defense and rebounding. But while many have the Clips keyed in as front-runners for the first pick in the 2008 NBA draft, here at 120 proof, we’re convinced that the Clippers will somehow manage to screw that up too.
Obnoxious News: Leave it to Isaiah Thomas to waive Dickau, arrange a trade for the Clips' Jared Jordan, and then proceed to
waive his ass two weeks later. He's like that bully who used to beat you up and take your lunch money, only to proceed to tear up the dollar bills in front of your face. Wait, you didn't have that guy too? 28-54
The Smirnoff: Still pretty nasty, all things considered, but with just the right splash of cranberry, tonic, and roofie, it's nearly palatable.
24. Milwaukee BucksEditors Disclaimer: There are two forecasts that I have a sneaking suspicion might bite me in the ass like Marv Albert on steroids. This is the first of them.The Good News: Other than flopping like a Chinese Vlade Divac, Yi Jianlian actually seems to have the talent to justify his high pick. And there's at least a 4% chance that Bobby Simmons will be healthy. If that wasn't enough, they actually kept Charlie Villanueva, who might possibly have the greatest disparity between talent (abundance) and work ethic (non-existent) of anyone in NBA history.
The Bad News: Their best player is still Michael Redd. And not that he's bad... well, you see, if you rely that heavily on someone who is really only an outs