Tennis is for wussies...

Yeah, I know, mother effers. I used to play tennis. I hated every second of it. Seriously. Every second. What was the point of running around like an idiot, wiedling a snowshoe in my right hand, and whacking a green ball back at my opponent.

Today's Wimbledon men's tennis final was something different though. I actually spent five hours of my life watching tennis on tv, and I'll be embarrassed about it until I die. But that's beside the point. You tell me you have the two best in the world at whatever the competition is, unlimited supply of booze, a couch, and a 52 inch HD compatible tv, and you're not going to watch? Liar, I say. Liar.

It was Roger Federer against Rafael Nadal. Do I expect you to know who these fools are? No. But Federer was a five-time defending champion of Wimbledon, before Nadal made him his bitch today. Not exactly, but you get it. Five sets. Whatever the hell that means, but it's the maximum. It was nuts, bitches. It was seriously, effin nuts. You can now tell me that the two best lawn bowlers in the world will go at it, and as long as I have an unlimited supply of booze, I'm watching. There is nothing like watching the two best in the world battle it out, regardless of the sport.

Nadal won, by the way. I started keeping a live diary, but I forgot my tape recorder and after three bottles of cheap white wine in 100+ degree weather, that went out the window. Anyway, you'd be doing a disservice to yourself if you didn't at some point try to catch the highlights on tv. It may be tennis, but these guys fought it out like animals. Respect.

Reality?: A reality tv star is now the UFC Light-heavyweight champion. Something is wrong with this, but how can you not like Forrest Griffin. Plus, I won a pitcher of beer from my buddy Matt in a bet.

Baron von Munchausen: I hate basketball. You want to know why? Because I care so little about the darn sport, and therefore know so little about it, that I can't really write anything good about it. And Todd, my esteemed partner, who puts infinite hours of effort into writing me emails about how awesome the L.A. Clippers are going to be next season due to the Baron Davis signing but refuses to offer any insight on 120, likes it for some reason. I really hope that Elton Brand signs with Golden State. I really do. And you should too. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Ya hear that? We're a threat!!!

Sadly, we were naive enough to think that we had been put out of our collective misery and Buzz Bissinger was exiled to some far away place where we'd no longer be subjected to his idiocy. And his idiocy, sadly enough, is what he's most willing to spread. Bissinger, if you recall, not long ago unleashed a tirade against the blogosphere, not to mention the First Amendment. Among the things he said was, in the ultimate moment of the pot calling the kettle black, that blogs were, "the complete dumbing down of society."

Well, thank you to David Wharton of the Los Angeles Times. Thank you for bringing this memory back to those of us who blog. I couldn't believe my eyes this morning. Are sports blogs really front page material? It goes to show how obtuse sports media can be in the United States, when Russia defeated the Netherlands in Euro Cup Soccer, in one of the great sporting contests in recent memory, and they're relegated to a small blurb on page five. But the almighty sports blog is front and center.

In fairness, Wharton's article is, at least to the naked eye, neutral and fair. It does give the bloggers an opportunity to talk about how our craft has evolved, and how pervasive obscenity is slowly but surely being replaced by the occasional fact and insightful observation. Even the moronic Bissinger acknowledges that sports blogging has taken steps, in the interest of profit, to gain some sort of legitimacy. Still, he maintains that blogs are dangerous and, "can pose a threat to society because of the information they put out there." Did we mention that Bissinger is a tool? Can you even assert that with publications such as The National Enquirer on supermarket shelves accross the country, that a blog such as WithLeather is among the guilty parties in distributing information? Jiminy Christmas, if we want to know what's going on in the world, we watch CNN. If we want to be entertained, we'll check out WithLeather or Kissing Suzy Kolber or a variety of other sites.

Anyway, we'd like to implore Kevin, Drew, and the other guys (too many to list) out there, whose ramblings, rumblings, grumblings, and pictures of hot chicks brighten our days. Don't change. At least don't change too much. Unless of course you get offered huge amounts of money. Then change all you want. But until then, keep it real. In return you will have our vow to continue to drink heavily, visit your sites, and spew the occasional fog-inhibited word vomit on 120. We'll also give our Buzz Bissinger voodoo doll an earnest poke with a spork every morning before shuffling off to our day jobs. Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

Did We Miss Something?

So, is there like some important basketball series starting tomorrow? What's everyone so worked about?

That team with the winged wheel on their jersey apparently won something in ice hockey. Woo effin hoo. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Homerism coming at you live

Yes, but not from us. Yet. A couple of neat things are going on right now in the world of sports. Ok, check that. One neat thing. Ken Griffey Junior is one home run away from number 600 in his illustrious career. Coincidentally, I'm one beer away from 600 in the month of May. Not quite as illustrious, but gimme a little credit here.

Anyway, tuning into Fox to watch Junior Griffey's chase, they're actually showing the Mets and Dodgers, and periodically cutting to the Reds Braves game whenever Griffey is up. Fine. I can hang, being from L.A. and all. But for some reason, they're using the New York market announcers. One of them is Ralph Kiner, a longtime Mets broadcaster. I haven't figured out who the other one is, but I did figure out a new, albeit potentially brief, drinking game. Every time Ralph Kiner makes a blatantly homerish, masturbatory comment about the Mets OR how awesome he is at scouting young talent, have a drink. You'd be deader than Eight Belles within twelve minutes. Since I plan to live, at least through today, I thought I'd do this in somewhat live diary form.

This is the sequence of comments that prompted this diary, and I hope there are more to come. The Dodgers' Chad Billingsley rifles a 95 mph fastball down the middle to the Mets' Endy Chavez, and Kiner says, "Generous call on that wide strike to Chavez." The top half of the next inning, the Dodgers Matt Kemp has to get his knuckles out of the way of a Mike Pelfrey slider which didnt' slide, and missed the strike zone by about three feet. "Close pitch there, but Pelfrey doesn't get the call." Jiminy Xmas.
And yes, I still say that San Antonio can have their damn foul call on Fisher as long as the refs also overturn the bullshit goaltending call on Lamar Odom twenty seconds before.

1:45 - Faicing Atlanta's Jair Jurrjens, Griffey hammers a ball but right at Atlanta center fielder Gregor Blanco. The insightful Leo Mazzone mentions something that's often overlooked in the Barry Bonds, Balco, Steroid, You Name The PE Drug, era of baseball. Not once has Junior Griffey EVER been connected with anything having to do with steroids. Not once. Not even hinted or implied. He's universally regarded as always having played without cheating. Wanna know what performance enhancing drugs were when Babe Ruth played? Beer, cigars, and hot dogs. Maybe he was on to something.

1:58 - The Dodgers terrific rookie third baseman Blake DeWitt creams an RBI single, his second hit of the game, prompting me to make a decision I've been kicking around for a while. I'm picking him up for my fantasy team. Only thing is, my asshole partner at 120, Todd, already snagged him.

2:00 - Fox snaps back over to the Reds game, but not for Griffey. They show the Braves Mark Texeira, who looks like he puts steroids on his morning cereal (Steroid Flakes???), nail a ball 450 feet over the center field wall with one of the most feeble swings I've ever seen. It's really a stark contrast to Griffey's fluid and powerful swing.

2:06 - I wasn't going to admit this, but I just peeked at the score in the LA Galaxy Toronto FC game. Toronto is leading 2-0, and nearly made it 3-0 within a millisecond of me changing the channel. Beckham and Landon Donovan are not playing for L.A. However, Joe Franchino and Greg Vanney are, giving the Galaxy the distinction of being the only team with two grandfathers on it. Now, I don't really know if Vanney and Franchino have grand kids, but I distinctly remember thinking about how much both of them sucked at various points 15 years ago. Remember how everyone was annointing the Galaxy the first American superclub soccer team after they picked up Beckham? Of course you don't. Nobody really gives a shit. That said, the Galaxy comprises of Beckham, Donovan, and 9 guys who suck. It pisses me off.

2:15 - Kiner just spent 7 minutes analyzing why David Wright didn't advance to third base on a flyout to center field by Carlos Delgado. Gee, I dunno. Maybe because Matt Kemp would have thrown him out by 20 feet. How do these idiots get on-air jobs?

2:17 - I've decided to be less hard on Kiner. Chad Billingsley just struck out Damion Easley with a gorgeous cutter on the outside corner, and Kiner said, "Clutch, perfect pitch from Billingsley there. Nothing the hitter can do." Not sure on the timestamp. I guessed because Kiner's positive comment about something other than the Mets or his penis shocked me to the point of fainting. Greyhound count: 4

2:25 - Cut to the Reds game for Griffey. That took all of three seconds. Junior hit the first pitch to the second baseman for an easy out, and Fox cut back to the Dodgers and Mets before the announcers could even say anything. Nice work, morons. How do these idiots get jobs in production?

2:30 - I hate Kiner again. He just spent 5 minutes ridiculing the Mets' Mike Pelfrey for fouling off a bunt, saying there is no excuse to not be able to bunt a guy over. On the next pitch, Pelfrey executes a perfect sacrifice bunt and I execute a search on line. Kiner had a total of nine sac bunts in his career. Pelfrey, in his first full season in the big leagues, now has a total of 3, easily on a pace to surpass Kiner's career total. So I say it again. SHUT UP!

2:42 - I've decided that if I see even one more of those insipid "I'm a PC. I'm a Mac." commercials with Justin Long, I'm going to destroy my tv...which actually belongs to my roommate... but I don't care.

3:10 - Fox cuts to a replay of a Griffey at bat since it happened during an Applebee's commercial that HAD to have been written by a mongoloid. Eating good in the neighborhood? If by good you mean "ass", you hit the nail on the head. Eating ass in the neighborhood... actually has a nice ring to it. Griffey, by the way, ripped a double into the right field corner, but remains firmly planted on 599 homers.

3:16 - I'm willing to sever a pinky to get Kiner to shut up about Duaner Sanchez and his change-up. Thank goodness James Loney just grounded to short to end the top of the eighth. I was holding the butcher knife in my hand and Kiner was working on his third orgasm about Sanchez's change of pace pitch. Suddenly, "And I'm a PC!" doesn't sound so bad.

3:23 - Carlos Beltran just ripped a game-tying home run against Jonathan Broxton, the Dodgers 300lb reliever. You could hear Kiner dancing off camera and screaming, YEAH!!!! THAT'S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS! GO BACK TO FUCKING L.A. FUCK YOU BROXTON!!! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! before coming back to the mic and saying, "Big hit there by Beltran, who incidentally has a good sized man snake in his pants, to tie the game." I'm paraphrasing, obviously, and maybe exaggerating a little, but this guy freakin' annoys me.
Greyhound Count: 6

3:30 - And it continues. After Broxton served up another hit to give the Mets the lead, Kiner says that pitchers don't like to get beaten on their second-best pitch. What, getting beaten on your best pitch is somehow vindicating? I'm taking a shower now.

3:45 - I voted on greyhound #7 over the shower. Billy Wagner just struck out the side to close out a Met win, the last being Blake DeWitt on a called third strike which was about a foot outside, and ankle high. Oh well, guess he had a hooker waiting for him outside in a taxi with the meter running. Griffey might get one more at bat, but I don't feel like sticking around to see it. Let's go with predicting a fly out to shallow left. 600 will come another day. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

And the idiocy continues...

At 120, we propose to start a collection to fund Bill Plashke's retirement. We might even change the name of our blog to www.euthanizeplashke.blogspot.com. I wonder if that domain name is already taken.

Anyway, we recently posted about what a moron Plashke is during the Lakers/Jazz playoff series. Now, you might say that criticizing the insipid writing of Plashke carries a zero degree of difficulty. Well, so does getting fershnickered on PBR but we do it anyway. Why? Because it's fun.

We'll keep it brief. Plashke, in consecutive pieces, flip-flopped on what would happen in the Lakers/Spurs Western Conference Championship. The latest piece, a eulogy for the Spurs after the Lakers cream them by 30 in game 2. What happens yesterday? The Spurs whup the Lakers to climb back into the series, much like they did to New Orleans after falling behind in that series 2-0. Oh yeah, what happened in that series again?

I'm going to tell you all right now, the homer in me is going to be pissed the hell off if the Lakers lose this series. The drunk in me is going to blame the epically retarded Plashke and his infantile drivel that inexplicably continues to get published in the LA Times. What does this add up to? A very unsafe situation for Mr. Plashke should he ever end up in the same neighborhood dump of a bar as I do.

Dear Santa. All I want for Christmas is a winning lottery ticket, and for Bill Plashke to lose all of his fingers in a tragic gift wrapping accident so he can no longer type stories. Please. I'm begging.

Johnny Come Lately: I cared little enough to follow the annual rigged ping pong game that the NBA likes to call its Draft Lottery to completely flake on Todd and our intended live diary of the event. I did, however, care enough about it to poke around the editorials and see who thought what. While cruising through Henry Abbott's TrueHoop we found some absolute dandies in the quote department. The wonderful thing about basketball executives is how much ambiguity they leave in their statements. One of our favorite things to do, and one we haven't done in ages now, is called What they said and what they meant. It shouldn't need much of an explanation, so without further ado.

Chicago Bulls Executive Vice President of Business Operations Steve Schanwald came up with this beauty after the Bulls "won" the first overall pick in the draft. "So much can happen between now and the draft. We will look at what we can do to balance our roster better... We need leadership on our team... We also need scoring and a few other things." Genius. Pure and utter genius.

What he meant: Well, come the draft, we're going to try to fill needs. And right now, we need leadership, low post scoring, rebounding, defense, hustle, toughness, intensity, perimeter shooting, shot blocking, someone who can come through in the clutch, a better color guy for our AM radio broadcaster, three towel boys, and the 87-year-old guy taking tickets at the south entrance finally kicked the bucket so we need a replacement for him too. Translation: Michael Beasley, Derrick Rose, or anyone else, we're in deep soup here if Ben Gordon and Luol Deng leave as anticipated. Our advice? Deal the pick down, preferably to Milwaukee. Kevin Love ought to still be on the board there, and he's really the only guarantee not to be a bust in the entire draft.

Former Suns and new Knicks coach, Mike D'Antoni may have been intentionally tongue in cheek by saying his team could use it's 6th overall pick on, "guards, forwards, centers..." Nice one, Mike, but we know a bullshitter when we see one.

What he meant: Well, what I'm thinking is bribing someone with our pick to take either Zach Randolph or Eddy Curry off our hands. Either that, or we can donate it to charity in search of some good karma, because nothing short of divine intervention is going to make this team any good, and nothing short of 50 million would make anyone want to coach here...

From the interesting stat department: The Detroit Pistons' Rip Hamilton has scored 20 points or more in 70 of his 113 career playoff games. Holy crap. I always thought he was just some weirdo who played basketball with a creepy-looking mask.

If you're leading your fantasy baseball matchup in ERA by more than a full run and WHIP by nearly half a point, and Daisuke Matsuzaka, Eric Bedard, and Zach Greinke on the rubber for their respective teams, you have to feel relatively confident in hanging on to your leads. Sadly, the three combined to ship a soul-destroying 21 earned runs with a collective suicide-inducing whip of nearly 3 (!!!), costing me not only the categories but the entire week and a berth within spitting distance of first place. Thanks, God. No, really. Thanks a lot. And thanks to you guys for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Acclaimed

I love how people describe famous columnists as "acclaimed" and "award-winning." Who exactly gives out these awards? In case you didn't know, there are two main types of news contributers in the print media. Reporters and columnists. Reporters deal with facts and current events. Columnists give their opinions.

This brings me to Bill Plashke, the "acclaimed and award-winning" columnist for the Los Angeles Times. Plashke is a veteran of the industry and has written his fair share of poigniant and interesting pieces. In this "unaward-winning" columnists opinion, the number of worthwhile stuff he's written is dwarfed by how many times he has written a bunch of crap.

Case in point, after the Utah Jazz won Game 3 against the Lakers, Plashke wrote a scathing article about center Pau Gasol, basically laying the blame for the loss solely on the Spaniard's shoulders. Sure, Gasol did not have a very good game, turning the ball over too many times and being rendered ineffective on offense. But did he really deserve that much criticism, especially after how instrumental he was in helping the Lakers get the first overall seed in the Western Conference? You all can render your own judgements on that. But what I would like to know is where a similar scathing editorial was about MVP Kobe Bryant after Game 4. Bryant appeared to hurt his back early in the game, but he's played through pain before and scored 50 points. Not this time. He shot well under 40% from the field, made only one out of ten shots from three point land, an abysmal 60% of his foul shots, and finished the game off by making one lousy field goal in the 4th quarter and overtime. Despite is apparent injury, Bryant repeatedly ignored open teammates and forced up difficult shots, on multiple occasions being easily rejected by Andrei Kirilenko. If Plashke wasn't a coward, he'd have written a similarly negative piece on Kobe.

Equally consipicuous by its absence was any mention by Plashke about a strong performance in Game 4's losing cause by Gasol, who dropped 23 points on 11-16 from the field, grabbed ten boards, and contributed to holding Utah big men Mehmet Okur and Carlos Boozer to around 40% shooting.

Have you ever gone to a fancy restaurant and gotten shitty service? You might wonder how your crappy server actually got the job there. Similarly, I wonder not only how Plashke got his job at the Times, but how he has managed to hold it for several decades.

Are there any columnists who similarly rub you the wrong way? We'd love to hear about it. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Is that Bulls job still open???

As many basketball insiders predicted, former Phoenix Suns coach Mike D'Antoni is leaving the desert and taking over in the windy city. And who can really be surprised? They have a great young point guard in Kirk Hinrich, and some really talented younger swingmen that should be able to bring back the... he did WHAT?

Okay, now that the initial shock has worn off, let's look at this objectively. Never mind, let's look at it cynically. It's quicker that way. Why would you turn down a chance to go coach an exciting young squad that figures to only need a strong coach to return to prominence? Not that it turned out to be one of our better forecasts, but we did pick the Bulls at number 4 in our pre-season rankings. Could they possibly have been as bad as their record was this season?

Or, could it lie in the fact that Kickerbocker president Donnie Walsh reportedly promised D'Antoni that they players he wanted would be brought in and those who he didn't would be jettisoned? If this is the case, it should be funny watching everyone on that team, save for David Lee, Nate Robinson, and maybe Renaldo Balkman get cut. Can you see the broadcast next opening day? Hello everyone, this is Marv Albert. The Knicks will be playing three on five tonight, as the majority of their roster was sent packing, and they were unable to find replacements since nobody wanted to play here.

One more thing I suck at: If I took the two best games that I have ever bowled and added the scores together, I might be in that region where I sniff a 300. I would like to say this beaming with pride, but if a blind, 78-year-old WWII veteran can bowl a perfect 300, my accomplishment seriously loses some luster. Sadly, I'm not kidding and the blind guy's name is Dale 'The Hammer' Davis.

Why Eight Belles and not...: Travis Hafner. Todd Helton. Rickie Weeks. Delmon Young. What do these guys, other than being awful baseball players, have in common. They're sucking the pulse out of any shot I had of winning my fantasy baseball league this season. Together, it seems, in a real team effort, they consistently mar the few bright spots my team has managed to have. Like Geovany Soto's monster start. And the sudden emergence of Zack Greinke. That one made me look like a genius. With my top two picks (David Wright and Grady Sizemore) struggling to eclipse .270 at the plate, I can't guys like Helton (a career .300+ hitter) hovering in the mid twos anymore. Put 'em out to pasture, Joey Votto. Put 'em out to pasture.

Speaking of Eight Belles, the filly who suddenly and tragically had to be euthanized at the Kentucky Derby, is PETA going to back off the jockey and trainer sometime soon? Not that I hate the cause of ensuring decency to animals but the manner in which they behave makes me want to torture kittens and experiment on them with chemical shampoos. I'm not a doctor or anything, but something makes it very hard for me to believe that jockey, whatever the hell his name is, who probably tips the scales at a whopping four pounds, could really have done a lot to cause the legs of a five gazillion pound horse to break. So our message to PETA is this. Leave Eight Belles' crew alone. For each further statement we read about the drivel coming out of your mouths, 120 Proof will attempt a 47-yard field goal, using a squirrel as the football. Seriously, your rhetoric makes me wish I didn't understand English. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Roger Clemens has sex with duckbilled platypi

Roger Clemens likes to have sex with women other than his wife. He also likes to have sex with the ex-wives of 120proof's favorite athletes. And now, in a report that we completely made up and carries no truth whatsoever, he likes to have sex with duckbilled platypi. "It's something about that marsupial pouch," sources close to the former pitcher never said.

For crying out loud. The Atlanta Hawks are on the verge of historic upset over the Celtics in the NBA playoffs. The Tampa Bay Rays, long one of the worst teams in baseball and a perennial laughing stock, sit atop the AL East in front of the Red Sox AND the Yankees. Somewhere Chuck Lamar is smiling. Nate McLouth, still toiling in obscurity as a Pirate, might be baseball's best all-around player whose name doesn't start with "A" and end in "lex Rodriguez." New York Rangers forward Sean Avery played an entire hockey game while internally HEMMORHAGING! Big Brown won a scintillating Kentucky Derby, which was sadly marred by the forced euthanizing of Eight Belles, the filly who broke both of her front legs in the home stretch of the race. But no. It's who and what Roger Clemens likes to screw that has the headlines. When did the world of sports turn into TMZ? We do have one question for Mr. Clemens though? Paulette Daly? Seriously? Doesn't the fact that she has shared the bed with John Daly make her lose a little bit of appeal? I don't care how hot she is, having banged J.D. is a deal breaker.

MVPeeing: Reports that Kobe Bryant has won the NBA's MVP award have been confirmed. We pee on such rediculousness. Is he the best player in the league? Sure. Would the Lakers still have made the playoffs without him? Absolutely, if you assume Pau Gasol still comes aboard. You can't say the same for Chris Paul, LeBron James, and for that matter, Dikembe Motumbo. But I digress. This is an argument I will never win.

Homer Corner: 120Proof has won a bet. This is no small feat, mind you. Usually, 120 only wins a bet when it's between Todd and myself, therefore leaving few alternatives, although we've had several ties. A second half brace from Antonio Valencia gave Wigan Athletic an impressive 2-0 away win at Aston Villa and assured the Lancashire club safety and another season in top flight English soccer. Chances are, if you read this site, you have no idea what the hell that means, so I'll cut to the meat and potatoes. 120 bet Paul the UPS driver that tiny Wigan would survive for another year and he immediately jumped at the chance. Well, he's five...uh...credits lighter for it. Booyah. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

First Pitches

The Scene: Post 911. Our country is still in a furor, regardless of whether the rage is aimed at the right target or not. But baseball goes on. Our fearless leader (for the sake of this article, imagine there being about a 20 second break while I run to the sink and puke) steps to the mound for a ceremonial first pitch. A strike. Down the middle. It was nearly like something out of a fairy tale. Even the staunchest democrat (like myself), who had long since come to the conclusion that our president was better served competing in the special olympics than manning the oval office, had to have been the tiniest bit smitten by the whole thing. Our country, and about 5000 of our people, were the victims of a brutal attack. And our freakin' president not only swore retribution, but threw a God damned strike. If that ain't something for the ole patriotic chip on the shoulder, then I don't know what the hell is.

Fast forward: March 30th, 2008. Nationals' Park, or whatever the hell they call that new baseball stadium in D.C. Dubya is to throw out the first pitch. Who made that call? Is there a more reviled individual in the States right now? Apparently not. The stadium seats slightly less than 42 thousand people, and about 80% of them were booing loudly as he took the mound. I can't tell you if his fastball down the middle, or his round booing made me smile more proudly.

And by the way, the Nats won on a walk-off homer by Ryan Zimmermann. Todd, who happens to have him as his 3rd baseman in our league, is probably proud. Either that, or playing City of Heros without a care at all. Speaking of which, that game is sick. Thanks for having a shot of 120proof.

Screwballs and Know Nothings

The Game: Fantasy Baseball

The Players:

Ted: Todd's father-in-law, and our commissioner. He rules his fantasy games the same way he ministers his congregation. WITH AN IRON FIST!!!

Todd: My drunken partner in crime. He knows more about baseball than your average blind, deaf, and dumb aboriginal bush child.

Bekka/Laura: Todd's wife and mother-in-law. Nearly didn't play out of protest that handsomeness was not a valid fantasy baseball category.

Shane: The shameless Angel fan. When there were no more Angels left to be drafted, he started picking former Angels. He nearly cried when Brian Downing refused to come out of retirement for his fantasy team.

Jon: Todd's cousin with an inexplicable mancrush on Steve Nash. Easily our cockiest player, but in fairness, the one with the longest track record of success in fantasy.

Alex the Clipper Fan: You know him. You love him. 120's original reader. Oh yeah, he hates baseball and only played on the hope that he would finish above Todd and me, and therefore have something to badger us about for life.

Torsten: Me.

The other three teams in our ten team draft were colleagues of Ted's, all of whom either elected to have the autopicker choose their team, or forgot due to Easter Brunch debauchery.

The scenario: Ted, Todd, Bekka, Laura, and I are crammed into Ted's home office, each of us hovering over a computer, fiercely protecting the monitor like the third grade geek who is afraid that the third grade bully might be trying to sneak a peek at the answers to the spelling test. Jon is at home, but he might as well have been there as he was the most active smack talker. Alex? Let's just say he was Sleepless in Seattle.

Events, conversations, and statements that should never, ever be uttered during a fantasy baseball draft:

1. The first overall pick went to one of Ted's autopicking colleagues. The Yahoo! autopicker took nearly 45 seconds to select A-Rod. This brought up eerie parallels to Geoff Garcia, who ran away with the fantasy basketball league after letting the autopicker choose his team, and logging in a grand total of one time during the season. What an ass...

2. Todd: Man, I was gonna take Joe Mauer.
Bekka: Well, Mom and me need a center.
Todd: Cen...ter???

3. Me: If J.J. Putz drops to me, I'm takin' him.
Todd: No way Putz gets to you.
Me: You seriously gonna rob me?
Todd: Yup, I'm Putzin' it.
Me: You're an ass.
Todd: Dude, every team needs a putz!
Ted: Not mine, my daughter already married one.
Todd: Kill...

4. Bekka: -groan-
Me: What? You wanted Aaron Harang?
Bekka: YES! He's totally cute!
Me: Then why didn't you complain when I picked Grady Sizemore? All the chicks love him.
Bekka: -rapid mouse clicking- Oh yeah, he's hot. Can I trade you someone for him?

5. Todd: YES!!! Smoltz!!!
Ted: He's good.
Todd: Whatever with good. I now have Putz AND Smoltz! Now if only Jenks and UGGLA fall to me too!

6. Laura: We don't have a CWS on our team yet.
Ted: Chicago White Sox is not a position or category. Merely the team he plays on.
Bekka: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was WAY worse than me calling Joe Mauer a center!

7. Todd: I'm a little light in the stolen bases department. Who's left??? Willy Taveras...Michael Bourn... KAZ MATSUI!!! YES!!! Wait. Do you think his anal fissures will affect his speed on the bases?

8. Todd: How is Curt Schilling still available?
Me: Injured. Biceps degeneration or something like that.
Todd: Is that worse than anal fissures?
Me: Unless he pitches with his ass.

9. Jon: (via draft chat) Sorry it's taking me so long to make my pics. In addition to this, I'm watching basketball, porn, and playing Wii.

10. Todd: I'm taking Wang.
Me: There are still better pitchers on the board.
Todd: Yeah, but with Putz and Wang, I have a monopoly on players whose names are synonymous with wieners. There isn't a player named Schlong, is there?

The Post Draft: After the post-draft cocktail and a smoke, it's time to hit the road. Ted and Laura walk us all out and we immediately get ambushed by Mormon missionaries. You kinda had to be there to get the full effect, but I'll do my best. Ted, Todd's dad-in-law, is actually a minister. We weren't shitting you about that. However, he has a very understated, relaxed, almost surfer-dudish manner of speech, and Todd lacks the two-second filter of, "wait, should I really say this?"

Sister Something or Other (who incidentally has the glazed over, unblinking eyes that make it look like she came straight out of Children of the Corn): So do you all enjoy a life enriched by the influence of Christ?
Ted: Oh, totally. We are WAY into Jesus.
::about five minutes of awkward conversations::
Sister Something or Other: What would it mean to you if Noah was on the Earth today as a Prophet.
Ted: Honestly, not much. I already have a boat and...well, it has a motor and stuff.
::Three more minutes of tortuous banter::
Sister Whatshername: So would you ever be interested in having missionaries come by your home and talk to you more about the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints?
Todd: Nah. I was already in a cult once and it wasn't what I'd hoped it would be.

The 120 Proof Teams:
The Skrooballs. (me)
1B. Travis Hafner
2B. Robinson Cano
3B. David Wright
SS. JJ Hardy/Yunel Escobar
C. Geovany Soto
OF. Grady Sizemore, Hunter Pence, Josh Hamilton, Cory Hart
Util. Rick Ankiel (40 hrs or bust, baby!) Todd Helton
Bench. Ryan Garko, Billy Butler, Lastings Milledge
SP. Eric Bedard, Aaron Harang, Dice-K, Francisco Liriano
RP. Billy Wagner, Rafael Soriano, Kerry Wood, Zack Greinke.
Review: I'm pissed at how much I neglected RBIs, but hopefully Travis Hafner will have a big bounceback year. I'm also pissed because each time I wanted to take a good catcher, he was nabbed out from under me. I'm thrilled I was able to nap Ankiel, Hamilton, and Kerry Wood with my final picks. Bargains, all of them.

The Willie Mays Hayes. (Todd)
1B. Ryan Howard
2B. Brian Roberts
3B. Ryan Zimmermann
SS. Rafael Furcal
C. Victor Martinez
OF. Matt Holliday, Bobby Abreu, Jermaine Dye, Ken Griffey Jr.
Util. Frank Thomas, Carlos Delgado
Bench. Kaz Matsui, Adam Laroche, Ryan Theriot
SP. John Smoltz, Felix Hernandez, Jered Weaver, James Shields (a hidden gem), Chien Mien dick Wang
RP. JJ Putz, Chad Cordero, Jeremy Accardo
Reveiw: Not bad at all for Todd's first ever baseball draft. He's going to win homers by a landslide every week, although he'll probably take a beating in batting average. Time will only tell.

In Closing, we'll leave you with one more quote from the draft.
Bekka (to her mom): We could take Greg Zaun. He's cute.
Me: But you guys already have a center.

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Wishes Do Come True

Nobody is happier than we are that it's been a couple weeks since anyone devoted any real time to talking about the whole Roger Clemens/Brian McNamee debacle. No "misremembering" on our parts. One thing I recall as clear as day is listening to that smug son-of-a-bitch, McNamee, defend his virtue. Seriously, this guy ranks up there with former T.O. agent, Drew Rosenhaus, on the "I really wanna punch that dude very hard" scale. Well, about a 12 pack deep and 2 hours into the "testimony", I looked at Todd and said, "Wouldn't it be great if that guy just got hit by a bus?" Todd, ever the supportive friend, responded with, "::belch:: Hell, yeah."
Apparently, he and I have been good boys, for God has smiled upon us and released vengeance in the form of a bus on Mr. Douchenamee. Fortunately, nobody on the bus was seriously injured. Unfortunately, McNamee also walked away unscathed. Looks like God might want to reconsider hiring Loki to do his dirty work.

Speaking of Gods, Lebron James has just taken over the Cleveland Cavaliers' all time scoring league. That is the 23-YEAR-OLD Lebron James who has been called a man child, high-fived by a Knicks fan on the floor at Madison Square Garden, and takes out throngs of baby seal clubbers with one swing of his manhood. Did we mention he's 23? The scoring record used to be held by Brad Daugherty, who is somewhere between 40 and 87 years old.

Less than 48 hours to go until 120 Proof makes its first annual foray into the world of fantasy baseball. Todd and I will both be drafting our own teams. If you've been keeping up with us, and judging by the throngs of advertisers knocking down our doors, you might actually have been, you'll remember Todd's admission that he knew very little about who was good to draft, save of course for the obvious big names. Then, he hits me with this the other day.

Todd: Did you know that Tom Selleck led the Yankees in ninth inning doubles in the month of August in that movie, Mr. Baseball?
Me: I vaguely remember... actually, no, I had no clue. What does that have to do with...
Todd: Just preparing for the draft.
Me: Uh, but Tom...Selleck... isn't...
Todd: Have you seen his mustache lately? He might be a five-category contributor.
Me: O...kay...

It hit me about four hours later. Todd wouldn't be using terms like "five-category contributor" if he hadn't been reading up. Judging by how fantasy basketball has gone so far, I wouldn't be shocked to finish 4 or 5 spots behind him...and his wife...and his mother-in-law.

Speaking of Todd: You thought we might have been kidding about the poems and odes to crappy Clipper point guards, right? Unfortunately for you, we weren't. Here's his latest work, in tribute to Daniel Ewing, he of the 2 second playoff appearance, which was just long enough for him to leave Raja Bell open to ruin the Clippers' playoff run in '06.

There once was a guard from Nantucket.
Who couldn't put a ball in a bucket.
People would stare,
As he got nothing but air,
But he'd shrug and continue to huck it.

That's Pulitzer quality shit right there, people. Maya Angelou just came a little. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Nuts in a Bunch

By now, you've probably all heard about poor Chicago Cubs outfielder Felix Pie (pee-AY), and his battle with a twisted testicle.  Nope, we're not talking about an evil family jewel.  We're talking about a gonad resembling a Twizzler.  And yes, this is a recognized malady, officially known as testicular torsion. And furthermore, it did require what Cubs spokespeople called a "minor corrective surgery."  120 is happy to report that Pie is recovering well, and should be back in the Cubs' lineup next week, although he's probably getting tired of people opening their peeAY-holes about it.

Our Take:  Minor surgery?  On a nut???  First of all, anything involving something as sharp as a scalpel being in close proximity to the jewel pouch is far from minor.  Especially if the condition, if untreated, can cause chronic cock n' balls pain, gangrene (of the dick!!!!???), and vanishing testis (holy SHIT!!!), not to mention a lifetime of ignominy in the form of taunts from friends and family.  Minor... yeah, you're ASS it's minor. 

Our Take, Part 2:  If this happened to any of us, God forbid, we'd lie to our friends about it.  I mean, wouldn't we?  Hey, Phil!  Wanna go play some golf?  Sorry, Jack. I twisted a testicle the other day.  Takin' it easy for a bit.  Hell no, people!  It would definitely be something more like, Sorry, Jack.  Strained a muscle the other day.  I better keep it chill for a few days.So why on Earth did the Cubs out Pie like that?  If we were him, we'd be pretty pissed.  They should have published his injury as a "lower body anomaly" or something vague like that.  What jerks!

Thank you sir, may I have another!?:  Not to be outdone in the effed up injury department, Houston Astros infielder Kazuo Matsui might miss the opening to season due to unnatural tears (gulp) in the anal skin, aka, anal fissures. After rest failed to promote recovery, Matsui will have surgery to correct the problem next week. "It's something we need to take care of," said Astros GM, Ed Wade.

Our Take: No shit, Sherlock. If I had fissures in my anus, other than the one God intended to be there, I'd want to get it taken care of too. On a funny note, wikipedia lists Carmex lip ointment/herpes balm as one of the topical treatment options. Which begs the question, why isn't "anal fissures" listed right there on the Carmax tube with all the other things it treats? I think it would fit nicely right next to "dry, chapped lips." Carmex. Your number one, over the counter treatement for cold sores, chapped lips, and ruptured asshole skin. I should be in advertising...

Hard Times on the Hard Court: Earlier this week, the Los Angeles Clippers announced the signing of point guard Smush Parker, who had been waived by the Heat. Todd has a theory that the Clippers are playing some joke on the basketball world by trying to have every crappy point guard in the World on their roster at least once. Rick Brunson, Jason Hart, Dan Dickau, and now Smush? Watch out, Clipper fans! The Sonics released Ira Newble!!!

Anyway, Todd morosely told me he was considering writing a small compilation of haikus and poems as an ode to the legacy of shitty Clipper guards. I think this is a great idea. I'll start.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Dan Dickau sucks. So does Smush Parkeroo. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Love Is Complicated

People claim to be "lovers" of all kinds of things; Sports, alcohol, children, collectibles of all sorts. Even animals. Well, if Tripp Isenhour is to believed, his intentional braining of a migratory hawk with a golf ball was out of love. He is, after all, a self-proclaimed animal lover. Todd and I would like to take this opportunity to address the wife and girlfriend, kindly refrain from using love as a motivator the next time the urge to emasculate us with a prison shank arises.

In one of our drunken brainstorming sessions, we at 120 decided that perpetual failure would be one of our calling cards. So we figured, what better way to do that than join a fantasy baseball league!? The conversation went something like this.

Todd: Hey, my father in law is running a fantasy baseball league. Do you want to play?
Torsten: Hell yeah! That will be fun.
Todd: You probably have to help me a little. Baseball isn't really my forte. Aside from LaDanian Thomlinson being the top pick, I don't know much.
Torsten: Moron. L.T. first? That's BASKETBALL!

Anyway, ought to be fun. Todd and I will each be piloting our own team to effectively double our chances at miserable failure. The live draft is about three weeks from now and, as of this moment, we plan to document it here on 120 with a semi-live diary.

Back to business, we at 120 like to brag when we're right, especially since it doesn't happen all that often. But I think sufficient time as passed to respond to an email from Alex the Clipper Fan. It read something like, "Dude, the Lakers suck. Now that the Suns have Shaq, they're gonna make the Lakers their bitches!"

Sadly, no amount of me telling Alex that Shaq was a fat, over-the-hill, lazy, also ran at this point in his career would convince him. Well, Alex, maybe the fact that the Suns are 3-5 since the Big Douchebag's acquisition, and have plummeted from the top spot in the West to 6th place will remove your Laker-hatred blinders. Now, the Suns still have a good chance of making the playoffs, but the Western Conference is stacked. But if they don't, going from tops in the conference to missing the post-season all together would have to rank among the greatest collapses in recent memory, especially considering they will have done it to themselves.

All-Universe guard Steve Nash still thinks the Suns will be fine. He says the team still needs to "amalgamate" Shaq into their style of play. Amalgamate? On second thought, let us tell you what he really meant. I can't believe we traded one of the best players in the league for this fat slob. The Lakers get Gasol for a couple of picks, a pack of smokes, and a white-trash Barbie doll but we give up Marion for the Big Amalgamator. What...the...@#$%. But I guess, that as the leader of this team, I can't let him know how we really feel, especially since he could crush me between his thumb and forefinger. So I'll just use big words like "amalgamate."

Amalgamate? Well, if we don't know what the hell that means, there ain't no way that a guy who thought the Parthenon was a nightclub will have any idea either. Thanks for amalgamating 120proof into your day. We'll amalgamate you again soon. In the meantime, we're off to amalgamate some alcohol into our diets.

Flying Pigs

We've all heard the statement, "When pigs fly," as sort of a sardonic response to someone suggesting an unlikely event may occur. Out here in sunny Southern Cali, that statement has been replaced with, "When Mitch Kupchak makes a shrewd front office move." Well, it looks like we might have to retire that statement. The formerly embattled Laker GM has slowly won over some of the L.A. faithful with the realization that not trading the emerging Andrew Bynum for Jason Kidd was actually the right call. If the reports on espn.com and Yahoo! that the Lakers have acquired Pau Gasol from the Grizzlies for Kwame "Stone Hands" Brown, talented rookie Javaris Crittendon, a couple of picks, a pack of Marlboro Mediums, and some quarters for the Adams Family pinball machine are true, Kupchak will immediately be elevated to Stephen Hawking status. See, basketball fans have short memories, and purple and gold supporters will be happy to forget the bungling ineptness of the past few years for a chance at a title now. I have to admit, I did splooge a little at the thought of a Bynum, Gasol, Lamar Odom, Kobe Bryant, and Derek Fisher starting lineup. I can't wait for Kobe's comments on this.

Moving on, how bad does your life suck when a 92-year-old blind dude is a better golfer than you? Seriously, there are plenty of things a 92-year-old blind dude could own me at. For example, a fill-your-colostomy bag race, canasta, and number of friends named Vern. But golf? While staring at an empty glass this morning, trying to think of reasons other than porn and ranch-flavored Doritos to keep on trucking, I stumbled onto the story of good old Leo Fiyalko. Thanks, Leo. I needed to feel worse about life.

Who knew? Chris Berman has a potty mouth! This is apparently from a 2000 Monday Night Football pre-game or something. But I only just saw it. That reminds me of the time my parents were filming my sixth birthday party. GOD DAMN IT! I'M TRYING TO BLOW OUT SOME F***ING CANDLES HERE! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO CONCENTRATE WITH 8 F***ING PEOPLE SINGING IN MY EAR AND DANCING AROUND. CAN I GET SOME GOD DAMN QUIET HERE? SIX F***ING CANDLES! HOW BIG DO YOU THINK MY LUNGS ARE? I GOT UNCLE STEVE BACK THERE ACTING LIKE AN ASS. HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER BEEN ON A CAMCORDER BEFORE? GOD DAMN IT!

Thanks for having a shot of 120Proof.

What do Torsten from 120, Alex the Clipper Fan, and Scott Skiles have in common?

John Paxson: Merry Christmas, Scott!
Scott Skiles: Why thanks, John! Same to you!
John Paxson: You're fired.
Scott Skiles: What? No present?
John Paxson: Here. Directions to the unemployment office.

Our Take: Here at 120, we're seriously wondering what must be going through Scott Skiles' head right now.

"Wait a minute? You guys are the morons who wouldn't trade Luol Deng for Kobe Bryant but I'M the one getting canned? You guys are the imbeciles that refused to trade for Pau Gasol, giving us a desperately needed inside scoring presence but I'M the one getting the pink slip? You're the one who thought it would be a good idea to ship off the monstrously talented Tyson Chandler and invest a king's ransom in an aging and offensively challenged Ben Wallace but I'M getting the boot? Our two arguably all-star quality guards are shooting an appallingly poor 38% and change from the floor but I'M the one not pulling my weight? Oh well, at least the rest of my multi-gajillion dollar contract ought to cover a nice bottle of Macallan 18."

Whether or not Skiles feels hard done by, it seems to us to be the consensus that a change in coaches is probably the last thing that may be the answer for the Bulls. Was Skiles without fault? Of course not. He continued to trot an inneffective Wallace out for way too many minutes game after game even though Joakim Noah and, shockingly, Aaron Gray have played noticeably better. He rewarded human highlight reel Tyrus Thomas's 14 point, 6 rebound, 3 block, 2 steal performance on December 19th against Washington with a combined 22 minutes the next two games, both losses. The talented and athletic Thabo Sefolosha barely sees the floor, even when the veterans/stars are struggling. But hey, can you really blame a guy for believing that his well-paid star players will pull out of their slumps? If you ask us, not really. But let's take a look at it from the teams' perspective. Might they have done the right thing? Doubtful, but we'll see.

To break it down to the bare bones, to make a coaching change, a team has to believe it can do better with someone else in charge. Otherwise, they're taking a situation that may already be bad and making it worse. So the question remains, is there someone better than Skiles available? We'll let you be the judge of that. Just kidding. We'll be our own judges, thank you very much. You just read. Is that so hard?

Larry Brown: Well, he has some fairly impressive notches in his belt from an accomplishment standpoint. But does anyone really want the NBA's version of Bobby Petrino running a team with a very young core and in dire need of solid leadership? Sure, he'll yell and scream at the team about fundamentals and teamwork, and probably throw in a bit of nonsense about chemistry. But if we're the Bulls, we're looking elsewhere. The last thing we'd need is for him to call it quits after half a season to go coach in Israel or something.

Jeff Van Gundy: In the ultimate "pot calling the kettle black" moment, Van Gundy, who is known for his plodding, molasses in January, half-court offenses, said that this Bulls team needs to run more. Yeah. Someone check him for Creutzfeld's Disease.

Mike Fratello: Took an awful team in Memphis and made it...well, more awful. It's hard to re-create Gone With The Wind with the cast of Friends, so we can't file him in the useless bin yet. But at this time, we're still looking elsewhere.

Hubie Brown: Probably the most knowledgeable of the candidates out there. But at his age, the last thing the Bulls need is for him to drop dead of a coronary mid-season. "We traded Tyson Chandler for WHO???"

Rick Carlisle: See, now we're thinking. He's stubborn enough to not pay attention to what the papers say, and has a vastly bigger ego than his players (see: Jackson, Phil), which is what a team with several potential superstars needs. However, he is also stubborn enough to openly defy his boss and get fired over it. He's also stupid enough to openly defy his boss about playing Tayshaun Prince, whom you could potentially make an argument for that he's the Pistons' best player without sounding like a complete idiot. Nah, we're still searching.

Rudy Tomjanovich: A personal favorite of ours. Granted, his less-than-ideal health may preclude him from the demands of an NBA coaching job, but he certainly has the track-record. We're starting to get warmer now aren't we? So why are we still not convinced? Oh yeah, that whole poor health thing again. Damn.

Michael Cooper: Have you stopped laughing yet? Good, now put down your drinks and listen. Never mind, pick the drinks back up but still listen. Although Coop has no prior head coaching experience in the NBA, he led the WNBA's Sparks to... I said stop laughing. Seriously. Anyway, many including Charles Barkley have openly campaigned for giving Cooper an opportunity as a head coach. He's bright, and comes from a background of hardwork, defense, and lights-out perimeter shooting. Can you think of a better candidate to coach a team whose defense has slipped from number one in efficiency rating to tenth in the league, and whose guards all of a sudden can't scratch 40% from the floor? Not to mention all that bling he accumulated playing for Pat Riley (who incidentally appears to be inching toward unemployment himself) and with the likes of Magic, Worthy, and Kareem in the Showtime era. Ding, ding, ding, we may have a winner.

In closing: Correct us if we're wrong, but haven't the Bulls gotten off to three abysmal starts to a season in a row and still recovered to make the playoffs in each one? Hmmmm. Whoever lands the gig may end up looking like a genius, especially if the players start actually, oh we don't know, playing well. If we missed a candidate who you think is a good fit and want to yell at us about it, let us know. In the meantime, happy holidays and thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Chris Simon is a pussy

Hey!!! We're back!!! Sort of. Leave it to us, from the safety of our computers, to threaten one of hockey's most notorious goons. Once respected for his toughness, not to mention the ability to score the occasional goal between brawls, Chris Simon has been reduced to bitch status here at 120. Allow us to explain.

Once upon a time, the Islanders forward was a real tough guy. He would stand up for his teammates, take on any opponent like a man. Mano a mano. The ice hockey way. Now, he's little more than an insecure little bitch. That's right, Simon. You've been called a beyotch.

Last season, it was a brutal slash to the head of Ryan Hollweg. Who's that? Good question. I think he's an Oiler. This season, Jarkko Ruutu. A viscious stamp on the ankle with his skate.

If you have a tough enough stomach, because we won't link to it (again), youtube "Clint Malarchuk" and "skate to the jugular" if you're curious what an ice hockey skate can do to a man.

There's a supposed code among the NHL's tough guys. Once a guy is down, don't hit him anymore. No eye gouging. Stuff of that sort. Apparently, the code does not include, "No stomping on a competitor's ankle in an attempt to sever his foot from his leg while he's not looking."

Fellow tough guys Donald Brashear and George Laraque, two of the best and most respected fighters in the NHL, once gave Simon the compliments of being one of the hardest punchers and toughest guys in the league. So what reduces a man who earns such complements from his peers to a mere cheap shot artist? Who knows?

Anyway, at 120, we have the answer. We, Chris Simon, challenge you to a fight. Sure, there are two of us. But we're both wussies when it comes to fighting, and a bit on the pudgy side. But hey, maybe if you can take us, it will keep you from acting like a freaking pansy on the ice. At 6 foot 3 and 220 lbs, you'd think you wouldn't have to resort to such tactics. So man up, Chris. Take us on. The only catch is, we get to use a stick like you used to crack Hollweg in the brain, and a blade roughly the length of a hockey skate to cut your achilles heel with.

And I guarantee you, after we kick your ass, we'll be able to come up with a better apology than, "I want to apologize to everyone involved." If I can do better than that after barfing on the girlfriend's shoes after our anniversary dinner, you should certainly be able to after trying to end a guy's career.

Editor's note: We really hope that Chris Simon never sees this and doesn't take us up on our challenge. Although we firmly believe that he's a bitch-ass, piece of crap for his actions, he's still way bigger than we are. But on that note, would he really have uttered the same racial epithet that he did to Mike Grier (who, yes ladies and gentlemen, is black) to...say... Shaq? Probably not. So yeah, the consensus over here is that he's still a punk. Whom we don't really want to fight. But we will. If we have to. Or maybe we'd run. Ah, hell with it. He is, after all, a giant pansy, right?

Tale of the Tape

Fighting out of the Blue corner. Standing 6 feet and 11 inches tall. Weighing in at an impressive 270 pounds. The former first overall pick in the NBA draft. Kwame...... BROOOOOOOOWWWWN! And fighting out of the Red corner. Also standing 6 feet and 11 inches tall. But weighing in at a slightly less impressive 265 pounds. Dwiiiiiiggghhht... HOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here at 120, we've been wondering something. If you put Kwame and Dwight next to each other, you wouldn't really notice much of a physical difference between them. In fact, since Kwame is 5 pounds heavier and visibly yoked, you could argue that Kwame is in fact slightly more buff than Dwight. So how the hell is it that one guy is at or near the top of the league in scoring, field goal percentage, rebounds, blocks, groupies banged after the game, and has more than twice as many dunks this season as the duo who was tied for second (Andrew Bynum and Chris Wilcox) before yesterday's Lakers vs. Magic game. And the other guy averages a 120 Proofian 5 points and 5 boards a game, and wouldn't know how to dunk a donut into a cup of chocolate milk. Physically, the two are virtually identical. They shoot free throws with equal diabolicy. Neither has particularly soft hands, and both could use a little smoothing around the edges as far as the finer points of the game go. Well, we'll tell you. And it's also the exact same reason why Kwame is a fixture on the 120 Proof list of....favorite....120 Proof...dudes.... or at least he will be if we ever get off our asses and make such a list. Hard work. He's completely opposed to it. And so are we. I mean, who really wants to be the next (and skinnier) Shaquille O'Neal when you can rake in 9 million a year to do things like wing birthday cake at a Lamar Odom fan?

The following is not funny. We pride ourselves on being pretty much bottom-of-the-barrel when it comes to tact and standards. But not even we can sink to a level low enough to find humor in this. As we're sure you all know, Washington Redskins' defensive back Sean Taylor was tragically shot to death in his home last week, by four dudes who should really have their nuts cut off and fed to them. But that's beside the point. In one of the more poignant tributes a team has ever given to a fallen comrade, the Skins started their first defensive series playing with only ten men, metaphorically giving Taylor one last play on his beloved football field. Here at 120, that's what we call "Good Shit."

Normally, we'd make a tasteless joke here about drinking beer with an empty bottle accross the table in tribute if either Todd or I die prematurely. Then we looked at the table and saw 14 empty bottles of various domestic piss. And besides, it's unnecessary to take anything at all away from what amounts to a tremendous and touching gesture, for Taylor, his family, his memory, and the fans who loved to cheer for him.

Apparently they're dropping like flies. ESPN reports that New York Knicks' guard Stephon Marbury's father passed away during the Knicks' loss to Phoenix on Sunday night, shortly after leaving Madison Square Garden with chest pains. This is only the latest in what has been a tough year for Marbury, with the death of his aunt earlier this year, embarrassing testimony about banging an intern in the back of a truck, fans booing him lustily at home, but now this? The most unfortunate thing here is that Marbury continued to play, completely unaware that his dad was ill. Apparently, he didn't take it too seriously when his dad said, "If I see you huck one more three instead of passing to the open cutter in the lane, it will be the death of me." There's no truth to the rumor that the dad's of Antoine Walker and Ron Artest are being watched more closely to....what? Ron Artest's daughter has kidney cancer!? What the hell!? We can't make fun of a guy who's daughter has cancer! Come on, God!!! Throw us a bone here!! Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof. No, God, not you. Our fans. Or fan, as it may be. Although if God wanted to join us for a shot, who would we be to refuse?

Turning Back the Clock

In this day of digital connectedness, have we lost our cherished ability to connect on a face-to-face level with our peers, the common man? Nothing demonstrates this atrocity more than the current state of fantasy sports. With Yahoo!, Sportsline, Rotowire, and a billion other sites doing live web drafts, why bother trying to get between 8 and 12 of your buddies together in a living room when you can all sit in the comforts of your own home, in front of your own computer, with your own porn? We'll tell you why.

In our recent Bush League fantasy draft, we did it the old fashioned way. Pencil and paper. It was like a Moose Lodge convention. Lots of drinking at a rediculouly early hour. Lots of bragging, lieing, and exaggerating exploits with the fairer sex. But most of all, lots of thundering guffaws from a group of guys, many of whom had never met each other before that day, laughing at shit that could only be funny between the very oldest of old friends.

It was like a poker game. Except that the stakes weren't chips. They were the priceless statistics of hallowed athletes who we'll likely never meet, and that wouldn't give us the time of day anyway should we ever get the opportunity. And instead of playing cards, each participant was equipped with some version of a fantasy top 100 list, and a hand-scrawled personal list of sleepers that they guarded with a fierceness only before seen in a battle over the last bottle of Bud. We didn't write legibly enough to read ours anyway, so our sleeper list defense resembled Matt Carroll in the post. This was in direct contrast to the guy who brought his complete, tier by tier itinerary complete with pie charts and player efficiency rating prospectus. No doubt, he's the one gunning for the corner office.

The beauty of the face-to-face draft is that you can develop so many subplots. Think of the drinking game possibilities! If we had instituted a rule stipulating that every time a person tries to draft someone already off the board, they do a shot of Jack Daniel's, we would have been as trashed as... well, we were that trashed anyway.

Whether or not level of inebriation had anything to do with this, the most profound moment of the draft occurred in the 15th and final round. By this time, everyone's top 100 list, sleeper list, power point presentation, and any other lexicon or form of cheat sheet was completely crossed off. At this point, we're all just searching our brains for names that sound like they may belong to active NBA player. This is when the following exchange occurred:

Billy, you're on the clock!
Uh... okay. Tim Thomas?
Already taken.
Um, Boris Diaw?
Taken.
Crap. Cuttino Mobely?
Gone.
Jesus. Shaq?

What followed was a 9 second period of defeaning silence, complete with confused eye-blinking and replete with awestruckedness. Shaq had just gone in the final round of a fantasy basketball draft. At the 9 second mark of the aforementioned silence, the sentences, "Shaq in the 15th round?" and "What an awful pick!" were simultaneously exlaimed.

We all realized something then. An era was gone. It was an era that started what seems like a lifetime ago but passed in what seemed like the blink of an eye. The most dominant player in NBA History has been relegated to final round fantasy fodder, to being the butt end of jokes by pundits and lush know-it-alls like ourselves. Some of it is simply the toll of aging. Some of it is his own doing. To paraphrase the great comedian, Louis C.K., no doctor will tell you that the formula for your ideal body weight is to take your age and add 300.

Next year, Shaq will likely not be drafted in our league. And next year, we will probably succumb to the allure of drafting on line, in our own home, in our own chairs, in front of our own computers, with our own porno.

Numbers and Stuff: Here's something we've always found amusing about fantasy sports. For thousands of years, men have found things to argue about, and most of the time, it's about whose whatever is bigger and better. Whose religion, whose country, whose johnson, whose wife or girlfriend, or whose car are all manly things to argue about and in certain cases (see: johnson) acceptable to go to war over. But thanks to fantasy, all the shit-talking we do is about numbers. Statistics. My numbers are better than yours. My imaginary team's free throw shooting percentage is better than yours. And we argue. Who coulda made what shot to win what category and what have you. Well, even if we assume all things are equal here, can we at least make the statistical categories more interesting? Here's a few examples.

Currently, Stephon Marbury leads the league in walking out on his team AND left hooks to his coach's jaw. If those were legit categories, can you imagine how elated the lucky son of a gun would be who drafted him?

And in football, Broncos running back Travis Henry leads all professional athletes in children out of wedlock. Henry has reportedly fathered nine children by nine different women. Shouldn't there be an award for a record so stunning? THAT is what I call putting the kids first, folks. Hey, any financial advisor would tell you to diversify your stock portfolio. Shouldn't you do the same with the mothers of your kids? Think about it. With so many mothers out there drowning, beating, and perpetrating other atrocities on their children, don't you significantly improve your chances of landing a good mom by having a whole bunch of different ones? The fantasy benefit here, should this have been a legitimate category, would be negligible though. Because while he's running away with this category, he severely hurts you by paying child support on only 7 of them, a woeful 77%. That leaves a whopping 23% of his kids unsupported, which is coincidentally the same percentage of the work our day jobs require from us that we've managed to complete. So thanks for stopping by and having a shot of 120 Proof.

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Leading the League in Nine Categories of Alcoholism

[The following was submitted by Torsten the Great, just before he slipped into alcohol-induced siezures.]

Week one of the inaugural 120 Proof kicks everyone's ass at fantasy basketball season has officially ended, with Carlos's Boozers (That's us, morons) creaming our feeble opposition six categories to two. After looking at our roster, and seeing Kobe Bryant, Carlos Boozer, Emeka Okafor, Chris Bosh, and Deron Williams, it honestly amazed us that the other participants didn't immediately demand a re-draft. A second glance at our roster gave us the answer.

The Sophomore Suck: Certain rules in fantasy draft go without saying. For example, one of this year's rules would have been not to draft any rookie whose name doesn't have some combination of the words "Kevin" and "Durant." But the slightly less obvious ones ought to be stated, don't you think? For example, 99.9% of second year players should be avoided like a New Delhi ghetto hooker with leprosy. Look no further than Rajon Rondo; when your job description reads something like, "Feeding the ball to Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen whilst playing in the Eastern Conference," you would think he'd struggle less than an armless man flipping burgers at Mickey D's. The reality of the matter is, if it wasn't for breathing, he'd be good at nothing.

We'd also like to suggest the following pamphlet be sent out to all fantasy basketball, or any fantasy sport for that matter, players: The Fantasy Fatass Bulletin. After all, aren't we entitled to know which players have spent the off-season competing in Michelin Tire Man look-alike contests? Those of us who drafted Nene Hilario and then tuned in excitedly to the Nuggets home opener would probably rather have been spared the following exchange between the announcers:

“And here comes Nene checking into the game.”
“Looks like he’s put on some weight in the offseason.”
“Yeah, he sure likes to live the life of a superstar back in Brazil in the summer.”
“Looks like they’re going to throw it into Nene in the post. And he gets his shot blocked by Johan Petro! Oh! And again he gets swatted by Petro!”
“Really looks like he’s having trouble getting his fat ass above the rim, doesn’t it?”

Speaking of Nene, here's the semi-humorous way in which he ended up on our team. Todd was our representative at the draft while I was doing the grunt work research online. We communicated by phone.

Todd: Hey, we're up in two picks. Who do you think we should get? What about Nene?
Torsten: Dude, Nene is awful. Peja is available. I know he's hurt a lot but he's good when he plays.
Todd: I don't know, man. Nene's good for some points and rebounds.
Torsten: Nene is good for nothing. If you want rebounds, get David Lee. I gotta go take a crap. Call you back in five.
::Fast forward five minutes::
Todd: Hello?
Torsten: Hey bro. Who'd we get?
Todd: Nene.
::gunshots::

And since all genius fantasy draft decisions are apparently made in threes, you didn't think we were done yet, did you? Well, things were getting a bit thin in the later rounds when Todd and I realized we were relying a bit too much on Deron Williams to carry the worthless Rondo at the point guard position. As much as I'd like to blame Todd for this, Mike Conley ending up on our team was squarely on the shoulders of yours truly. A minor confusion with Acie Law XXXXLCI, or something like that, actually led to a brief moment of optimism that we may have landed a steal there. This morning, Todd told me that Conley is actually behind Kyle Lowry on the Memphis point guard depth chart. Kyle Lowry. Kyle effin Lowry. Lowry is actually owned in negative 5% of Yahoo! Leagues, but he does happen to be tied for the league lead in eyeballs. And pancreases.

The other side: After such a promising start, 120 Proof's fantasy football domination hit a brick wall. Although in fairness, when your opponent sports Adrian Peterson, Terrell Owens, Joseph Addai, and Jamal Lewis, who combined for a total of 10 touchdowns, might as well bend over and take it like... an unwilling man. Current record: 5-4.

Patting ourselves on the back: If you read our NBA forecast from last week, and judging by our site hits you didn't, we pretty much got it all right. And if you don't think I'm gonna bring up the Deron Williams forecast about 7 months from now, you're delusional.

Homer Corners:

The Lakers: I must say, after being the only one this side of Sweden picking the Lakers to scratch enough wins together to sneak a playoff spot, having them go 2-2 against four teams with a combined total of 4 losses is strangely soothing; especially after all of the ridicule I had to endure from 120 Proof reader Alex the Clipper fan and resident guaranteer of seals about how they wouldn't win 20 games.

Da Bulls: Todd would normally contribute here, but he's busy shivering, huddled in the fetal position after his beloved Bulls have failed to garner even one win in the season's first week. I'd tell him not to worry since Dallas, last season's holders of the best regular season record, started 0-4, but it's amusing watching him suffer. That's a little thing I like to call karmic justice for drafting Nene while I'm on the ferguson.

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Power Drinkings

Why on Earth would we at 120 do an NBA Power Rankings article?  Seriously. It's not as if we consider ourselves legit or anything.  But seriously, this NBA Summer can only be described as a Jerry Springer episode.  Kevin Garnett switched conferences, Kobe failed (so far) in his attempt to flee Lakerland, followed by the knock-down-drag out saga of MSG vs. Anucha Browne-Sanders, the tragic death of Eddie Griffin, and finally, the apparent return to prominence of the USA national team. 

Now, we'll admit it.  We're really only writing this because we've seen other power rankings articles pop up on various sports sites, and we have an inferiority complex.  That, and those that have written them so far have put such an appalling lack of effort/research into them, that even on two jugs of Carlo Rossi our insight should look Einsteinian. 

Take this article by Mark Stein of ESPN.com.  Not that the Lakers are championship material by any stretch, but to have them ranked behind both Milwaukee and the Bobcats can only be explained in one way. 

Hmmmm, who should I put at 18. How about the Bobcats! For an embryonic franchise, they've really shown signs of... embryonic... why do I suddenly feel like I'm missing something? Embryonic. Embryos come from semen, semen comes from sex with ugly white women, sex with ugly white... KOBE ! Dammit! How did I forget the Lakers?! Ah, screw it. I'll just slot them in at 19 and maybe no one will notice.

And one more thing.  In an attempt to delay the inevitable fistfight over who should be number 2 instead of 3, Todd and I will be doing this via reverse order and process of elimination.  Vodka anyone?

The Popov:  Hey, there may not be an Oden or Durant to hope for this year, but I'm sure that won't do much to stop the tanking after a couple months for these teams.

30. Portland Trail Blazers

The Good News:  Not much.  Winning the draft lottery and getting Greg Oden, only to lose him to microfracture surgery for the season is kind of like giving us a Finlandia and Tonic, only to yank it out of our hands before we can drink it.  On the bright side, they're our favorite to get the most ping pong balls in next year's lottery, and might very well have the luxury of going into the future sporting back-to-back first overall picks.
The Bad News:  They traded their most productive player, the top pick is shelved for the year,  and the state of Oregon is sorely lacking in good bars.   As young teams are prone to do, they'll struggle mightily. With all the young talent on the roster, and another top five pick likely on the way, they'll be very good one day.  It just won't be this day.  18-64

29. Sacramento Kings

The Good News: Well, nothing. This once-proud franchise continues to dissolve, as a clear leader at PF hasn’t been established between Shareef Abdur-Rahim and the reprehensible Kenny Thomas. After multiple attempts to give him away, the team continues to be stuck with ticking time bomb Artest, and Mike Bibby is coming off an awful year and rumors that the team would have been happy to trade him for Jason Kidd. Well, at least they drafted an unathletic white guy named Spencer Hawes and signed Mikki Moore.
The Bad: Well, outside of Kevin Martin not completely sucking, the team continues to wear purple, and most of the cheerleaders and Mike Bibby continue to look like Bea Arthur.
AIDS Epidemic News: Not only did the Kings draft the second coming of Shawn Bradley, but he comes equipped with a history of knee problems. Did I mention he’ll be Greg Oden’s Halo 3 partner this season? Hey, hot tip: If you're scouting for a professional team, and you're looking at a prospect who's already had microfracture surgery on his knee at 14, you might wanna keep lookin'. By the way, who the hell gets microfracture surgery at age 14, anyhow? Is that even legal? You know, my nephew had a real promising pitching career ahead of him before he went in for Tommy John surgery at eight. Never did throw the same… 19-63

28. Indiana Pacers

The Good News:  Well, they still have Jermaine O'Neal.  But that's kind of like saying, "Well, we still have a case of Heineken." at the party after the free-loaders already downed all the Grey Goose and Stella.  They'll likely trade him before the deadline for picks and/or prospects.
The Bad News:  Larry Bird is essentially the white Isaiah Thomas, minus the sexual harrassment and stuff.  We understand the whole "overhaul the roster and remake the image of the franchise" deal.  But is it necessary to pick up two of the worst contracts in basketball (see Junior Dunleavy and Troy Murphy) and alienate the one star-quality player on your team in the process?  Record-wise, they may not finish as bad as we have them, but they've free-fallen since the Reggie days.
The Interesting Possibility News:  Somewhere out there, some genius GM is plotting a three team trade involving Indiana and New York where he nets David Lee and Jeff Foster, just so he can ensure that nobody on the other team ever grabs a single rebound.  Somebody PLEASE make this happen.  20-62.

27. Minnesota Timberwolves

The Good News:  You can't really say that there's a lot of good in trading your franchise player away.  But hey, despite waiting at least one year too long to make this trade, they still got decent return for KG in the form of Al Jefferson, one of the game's rising young stars and a devastating post presence.  Also, if you buy into the "Defense Wins Championships" mantra, they did well to nab Corey Brewer in the draft.
The Bad News:  When you win only 32 games WITH one of the best players of this generation, and then trade him in the off-season, you usually don't improve.  The acquisition of Juwan Howard, who was last good in the Clinton administration, was questionable at best.  Lastly, no team with Kevin McHale making the decisions will ever have any measurable success.  He's like the white Isaiah Thomas.  Wait, I already used that one for Larry Bird?  Crap.  Okay, he's basketball's version of Matt Millen.
The Are You Kidding Me News:  Now, nobody on the T-Wolves will admit this, but they drafted a guy in the second round named Chris Richard, and it appears they did so because Mark Madsen faces spending the first part of the season on IR due to an injury.  Let me get this straight.  You spent a second round pick on a guy to make up for the loss of Mark effin Madsen?  Never mind trading KG but losing Mark Madsen???  That's gonna be the real reason they finish with one of the league's worst records this season, you wait and see.  Their record will be worse than Indiana's but they get a bonus points because their young guns will get a lot of experience.  22-60.

26. Memphis Grizzlies

The Good News:  Juan Carlos Navarro was an absolute steal, and offers the added benefit of being Pau Gasol's close buddy from the Spanish national team.  Plus, the Darko Milicic signing was probably the bargain of the offseason.  At the very least, he'll be a shot-blocking, rebounding machine in the paint.  At best... well, let's be realistic.  But there's no reason to believe that he shouldn't be mentioned in the same sentence as Shawn Marion and Andrei Kirilenko when it comes to defensive prowess.  This is the year he proves it.
The Bad News:  They still suck.  Teams were knocking down their door at the trade deadline last season about acquiring Gasol.  When healthy, Gasol is a complete player, and would likely be considered a superstar if he got more exposure.  But he's injury prone and slight, so all that banging he does in the post virtually guarantees him of missing portions of every season.  Now, if Memphis can just get Milicic to do all that banging for him...
Coincidental News:  Imagine Darko about a foot shorter, with a bit more of a sloped forehead (think Geico Caveman without the beard), and a mean streak, and you get Nemanja Vidic, Manchester United's bruising and brilliant central defender and noted cheap shot artist.  24-58.
 
25. Los Angeles Clippers

The Good News:  Well, they drafted pretty well.  Al Thornton is an athletic, 6’8” wing with wide shoulders who can clean the glass; basically, the Clips are replacing Corey Maggette before he bolts.  They also drafted a promising, if undersized, point guard in Jared Jordan and promptly traded him to New York for an undersized point guard named Dan Dickau who isn’t the least bit promising.
The Bad News:  The Clippers entered the offseason as headless horsemen with Shawn Livingston’s leg looking like a scene from Hostel and Sam Cassell on life support.  In the ensuing months, Elton Brand snapped his achilles, and the team’s biggest signings have been circus midget Brevin Knight, a convicted sex offender, and Dan Dickau.  Tim Thomas will be relied on this season to add new facets to his game, such as defense and rebounding.  But while many have the Clips keyed in as front-runners for the first pick in the 2008 NBA draft, here at 120 proof, we’re convinced that the Clippers will somehow manage to screw that up too.
Obnoxious News: Leave it to Isaiah Thomas to waive Dickau, arrange a trade for the Clips' Jared Jordan, and then proceed to waive his ass two weeks later. He's like that bully who used to beat you up and take your lunch money, only to proceed to tear up the dollar bills in front of your face. Wait, you didn't have that guy too?  28-54

The Smirnoff: Still pretty nasty, all things considered, but with just the right splash of cranberry, tonic, and roofie, it's nearly palatable. 

24. Milwaukee Bucks

Editors Disclaimer: There are two forecasts that I have a sneaking suspicion might bite me in the ass like Marv Albert on steroids. This is the first of them.

The Good News:  Other than flopping like a Chinese Vlade Divac, Yi Jianlian actually seems to have the talent to justify his high pick.  And there's at least a 4% chance that Bobby Simmons will be healthy.  If that wasn't enough, they actually kept Charlie Villanueva, who might possibly have the greatest disparity between talent (abundance) and work ethic (non-existent) of anyone in NBA history.
The Bad News:  Their best player is still Michael Redd.  And not that he's bad...  well, you see, if you rely that heavily on someone who is really only an outside shooter, you run the risk...  Damn... GOT OT!  They have a guy named Awvee on their roster!!! Awvee Storey!!!!!  The worst player this side of Royal Ivey!  Who is ALSO on the roster!!!  ::sigh::  In reality, this team has talent and not just a little of it.  However, it does take more than talent to reach the post season.  It takes wins.  And wins come from experience.  They have one more year of struggling ahead of them before they're semi-legitimate.
Like Spotting a Rare Bird:  In addition to Ivey, and Storey, they also have Samaki Walker, who isn't merely bad.  He's historically diabolical.  Last season for Indiana, albeit in just a handful of games, he succeeded in making 0% of his field goal attempts.  In his defense, he DID make both of his free throws. [Ed. - Walker was unforturnately waived during the writing of this article. He will be missed for comedic reasons.] 31-51
 
23. Atlanta Hawks

The Good News:  For the first time in recorded history, managed to not to be the laughingstock of the NBA draft.  Addressed gaping holes at PF and PG by drafting Al Horford and Acie Law, respectively.
The Bad News:  Owners spend more time drafting lawsuits than scouting draft picks.  Also, teams with rookies in the starting lineups don’t win very many games in the NBA.  It probably doesn’t help that, outside of Joe Johnson, the Hawks’ starting five doesn’t feature a single guy who can hit a jump shot, either; outside of Joe, nobody else has averaged over 25% on 3-pointers in an NBA season, Speedy Claxton included.  Still, this much athleticism and rebounding should be good for some wins in the east.  31-51.
Editor's Note: And Torsten would like to thank Todd for bailing him out on having to make that pick, as he is deathly afraid that Atlanta's first decent draft this presidential administration ("decent" admittedly being an understatement) might turn them into a pseudo-contender in the abysmal East.)

22. Philadelphia 76rs

The Good News:  No Allen Iverson.  Yes, we know that's old news, but we have to reach here.  Other than Andre Iguodala getting to justify his high draft selection by having a fine second half last year, this team has been stagnant.  Their most impactful off-season acquisition is Jason Smith, their number one pick, who is essentially a white Yi Jianlian except not as good.
The Bad News:  Their front office is appallingly awful.  We kid about... okay, we're serious when we say Zeke, Kupchak, McHale and company are diabolical.  But Billy King has to take at least a large piece of the cake.  At least Zeke can point to David Lee and say, "Look here, you black bitch, I drafted him!"  What can Billy King say?  Nothing.
The I Didn't Know He Was Still In The League News:  I just realized 76-year-old Kevin Ollie is on their roster.  Does anyone have a worse back-up point-guard situation than the Sixers?  For crying out loud, where is Von Wafer when you need him? [Ed. Note: Von Wafer is currently playing preseason games for the Denver Nuggets, if you really care.] 33-49
 
21. Charlotte Bobcats

The Good News:  In a Summer that saw KG and Ray Allen switch conferences, Rashard Lewis get a max deal, and Isaiah Thomas successfully embarrass an entire state, the acquisition of Jason Richardson by the Cats went fairly unnoticed.  But it might turn out to be the coup of all the off-season deals.  He's the real deal, and plays both ends of the court. Also, Argentine Walter "I have the least Argentine name ever" Herrmann is one the league's best unknown hustle guys in the mold of a David Lee or Jeff Foster.
The Bad News:  The league's 4 worst defensive players (in this order) are Matt Carroll, Vladimir Radmanovic, Adam Morrison, and Mike Dunleavy Jr.  That means the Cats have half of the league's bottom 4 defenders, and you could make a case for Primoz Brezec.  That is scarily bad.  Sean May, who bears a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson with more pigment, is done for the year after three Butterball Hams and some micro fracture surgery.
Fearless Forecast:  Okay, so it's not totally fearless if you qualify it, but Emeka Okafor will lead the league in blocks AND win the award for Best Defensive Player.  That is, of course, if he can keep is dodgey back healthy.  Which is about as likely as us keeping our dodgey livers unBacardi-saturated.  34-48
 
20. Seattle Supersonics

The Good News:  Their roster is loaded with ridiculous upside.  Durant is as close to a sure thing as you can find, and he’s been tearing it up in the preseason.  I love how the Sonics are employing him, too; here’s a guy who’s 6’10” and they stick him at shooting guard.  I guess they figure, “We haven’t had an interior presence since the Cold War, why start now?”  My guess is, Kevin isn’t complaining. The Sonics also picked up rookie Jeff Green in the Ray Allen deal, and are seemingly always one council vote from packing up and moving to Vegas.  You know, because young, impressionable pro athletes need to be exposed to more gambling, alcohol, and prostitution.  They're coming into all kinds of cap room.  There's nowhere to go but up.
The Bad News:  For any immediate success, they'll be depending heavily on big contributions from guys like Chris Wilcox, Robert Swift, Earl Watson, and Nick Collison.  That's kind of like a high school junior relying on his family's priest to hook up the booze for the parents-are-out-of-town party.
The Ass-Backward News:  Usually, you can look at a team's highest paid players, and they should rank toward the top of the team's skill hierarchy.  Wally Szczerbiak needs to hang onto that dream. 
 
19. NOOCH

The Good News:  They've had the most awesome acronym of any team in sports history.  Unless you count the fabled athletic program of the South Harmon Institute of Technology...  Four words.  Tyson Chandler.  Chris Paul.  The future of this franchise AND the U.S. National Team are playing together in the odd location of New Orleans.  Also, the rumor that Chandler swallowed Jannero Pargo whole while stuffing an offensive board during practice turned out to be untrue.
The Bad News:  With apologies to Rasual Butler and the perpetually injured Peja Stojakovic, the rest of the roster is filled with 12th men.  The fans will get to see some incredible one-two stuff from Paul and Chandler, but that doesn't usually translate into an above .500 record.  Plus, they're no longer in Oklahoma City, and we'll tell you what... O.C. comes a very close second to Golden State in having the most rabid, electric, (enter synonym for awesome here) fans in basketball.
The "If we were betting men" News:  Okay, here's the quandry.  A healthy Peja (that's one of those jumbo shrimp things, isn't it?) and his 15-20 points per game completely jacks up the line on their over/under for wins.  Keep an eye on their injury reports, and if the news is good on him, lay some... uh...credits on the over in Vegas.  They're a sleeper.  36-46.
 
18. Golden State Warriors

The Good News:  The team with the best fanbase in the league re-signed Matt Barnes for $7.50/hour and 50% off at the concession stands.  Their first round draft pick, Brandon Wright is a 6-9 big with a pretty jump hook, but we question whether he can defend at the NBA level.  Overseas pick Marco Bellinelli has my new favorite name to hear in NBA Live 08, since it’s pronounced Belly-Nelly.  (Previously was Andrea Bargnani, who Marv Albert hilariously pronounced with a hard “G”.  BARG-Nanny for three!)  Kelenna Azubuike looks to be a fantasy sleeper with an expanded role due.  But, most importantly, signed Pat Burke.  Let’s hope that he doesn’t get any of his Hair Restoration Tonic on Baron Davis’s face, lest his beard transform from the level of Leonidas to that of the Ayatollah Khomeini.
The Bad News:  Brandon Wright cost the team Jason Richardson and his 18 points per game. According to the results of his training camp physical, Monta Ellis still hasn’t reached puberty.  Andris Biedrins makes Ben Wallace and Shaq grimace when he sets up free throws.  Building a team around Baron Davis’s health and Stephen Jackson’s sanity is like planning a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and Stevie Wonder.
Signs of the Apocalypse:  Is nobody else horrified that Chris Mullin allowed Coach Don Nelson to successfully hold out for more money after a smattering of playoff success?  Look, Chris, you’re not contending for a title this season or next, just call the guy’s bluff, void his contract a find a new coach.  At least we know who’s wearing the pants in Oakland this season, folks.  Here’s what I want to know:  Come January, when Isaiah Thomas is desperately trying to get out from under Zach Randolph’s contract, does he still go through the formality of calling Chris Mullin to discuss trade scenarios, or can he just call Nelson directly on his cell phone?  39-43
 
17. New York Knicks

The Good News:  All five defenders on the floor for the opposing team will have to guard the Eddy Curry/Zach Randolph two-headed monster in the post.  In a related note, 6 new Burger Kings opened within a 1 block radius of Madison Square Garden.  And if you follow up 12 shots of Patron and 200 buffalo wings with half a Xanax, Renaldo Balkman looks just about talented enough to bring Zeke's "Good Roster Moves" total to 3, joining the drafting of David Lee and the jettisoning of the unmotivated Channing Frye to Portland.
The Bad News:  With all the attention that will need to be given to Curry and Randolph, open jumpers should be widely available.  Unfortunately, they'll be relying on the talented but erratic Jamal Crawford to hit 'em.  Sure, about once a month, J.C. will drop 48 points on 11-13 from behind the arc on you, but he's also prone to those 7 points on 3-16 from the field games.
The Rhetorical Hyperbole News:  In case you were wondering, rhetorical hyperbole is the case law that allows tabloid magazines to publish headlines claiming that some hot young starlet is having sex with aliens and not get sued.  See, their reputation is such that no reasonable persons shall regard their assertions as truthful.  Which brings me to the headline I saw about Allan Houston attempting a comeback with the Knicks.  Surely, this had to be a joke... except for the fact that reputable publications were saying it.  There are way too many jokes here with zero degree of difficulty so I won't bother with any of them.  But the truly humorous thing is that with a roster constisting of players like Jerome James, Randolph Morris, Fred Jones, Mardy Collins and others, it's not far-fetched at all that Houston may catch on.  That, and the towel boy just rejected Zeke's offer of the full mid-level.  40-42
 
16. Toronto Raptors

The Good News:  Well, Jason Kidd annointed the defending Atlantic Division champs as the team to beat!  Can anyone say reverse psychology?  They added Carlos Delfino in their continued quest to make their entire roster up of foreign guys, and sharp-shooting Jason Kapono through free agency. But with Anthony Parker, Andrea Bargnani, and TJ Ford already aboard, that was kinda like Oprah downing a box of Krispy Kremes.
The Bad News:  The Celtics improved dramatically, and Nets figure to if Nenad Krstic stays healthy, and the Raptors seemed content to stand pat with what they had.  It's kinda like this.  It's not like Kelly Pickler had a bad rack before, but sometimes you just have to upgrade!  Chris Bosh has a sore knee, and no word on whether anyone has located Jorge Garbajosa's ankle yet either.
The Oh Canada News:  Todd and I just had the following exchange.
Todd: I think we should slot in Toronto next.
Me: Sounds good. Wait, they have a team?
Todd: Yeah, the Raptors.
Me: Oh. That's right.
Todd: Canada's great hope.
Me: Canada has a team?
Todd: Uh, yeah. Toronto.
Me: Toronto is in Canda?  41-41

15. Miami Heat

The Good News:  Any team featuring Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley can't possibly miss the playoffs.  Rumors about Alonzo Mourning's retirement were apparently untrue, and the acquisition of Penny Hardaway sent the team's unintentional comedy potential through the roof.  What's the over/under for how many games it takes Penny to blow out a knee after getting an arm lodged in a roll of Shaq's fat?
The Bad News:  Too much to cover everything, but we'll start with Antoine Walker making Shaq look like Kate Moss.  Also, Udonis Haslem and Marcus Slaughter need to trade last names for optimum intimidation factor.  Would you mess with someone named Udonis Slaughter?  Didn't think so.  In addition, the departure of Jason Kapono to the aforementioned Raptors leaves the team without anything even resembling a perimeter threat.  Last, and most certainly not least, if the trend in Shaq's free throw shooting continues, he may be the first player ever to finish with a negative percentage.
The Editor's Note News: Completely screwing up these entire rankings, during our writing process, Miami traded Anoine Walker and spare parts to Minnesota for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount. Screw it. 41-41

14. Los Angeles Lakers

The Good News:  Nothing.  Not a single thing.  At the risk of sounding like a bitter homer, we're implementing a special header for the purple and gold.
The Not Catastrophic News:  No team with a fairly healthy Kobe Bryant on it will ever win fewer than 41 games.  Chris Mihm, Kwame Brown, Luke Walton, and Lamar Odom all missed significant portions, or the entirety in Mihm's case, of last season, and seem to be pretty healthy.  While only Odom qualfies as "good", they should all contribute.
The Bad News:  They drastically overpaid for Derek Fisher, to the tune of 417,910 bottles of Glenfiddich over 3 years.  Kobe may already have one foot out the door, depending on who you believe.  And no team with a front office so inept will ever win more than 50 games.  Ever.  Even if Javaris Crittendon becomes the next Scottie Pippen, Odom turns into a 25 point, 13 rebound a night guy instead of just "good", and Kobe gets his first career assist, 50 is the ceiling.  Unless Jim Buss gets hit by one -- then I might bump it to 51.
The Homer Corner News:  No trade in which Kobe leaves is going to immediately improve the team.  However, I had a mini orgasm with this possibility.  Kobe to Charlotte for Emeka Okafor, Matt Carroll, Ray Felton, and whatever bit parts needed for the salaries to match. [Ed. Note: This isn't actually possible, but let Torsten dream.]  Pass the Kleenex, a Bombay Sapphire martini, and a lit Marlboro please. 42-40

13. Detroit Pistons

The Good News: Rodney Stuckey may be steal at # 15 in the draft, as a true combo guard. Acquired Jarvis Hayes to provide additional backup for Tayshaun Prince.
The Bad News: With the departure of Chris Webber and Carlos Delfino, their roster takes the depth out of depth chart, rookies aside. The Pistons no longer have a true center in their starting five. Rasheed Wallace will be forced to play the 5, with Jason Maxiell playing the 4 and Nazr Mohammed coming off the bench. The Pistons went an entire season in 06-07 without a significant injury, and their aging core is due for a reckoning. If things are going poorly come the new year, expect a blockbuster trade from Joe Dumars to shake things up in the Motor City.
Blame It On the Sauce: Only at 120 Proof Ball do our Power Rankings factor in injuries which haven’t happened yet. 44-38

12. Houston Rockets

The Good News: Prepared to jettison Rafer Alston by shoring up the point guard position and aquiring Steve Francis and Mike James. Filled the head coaching position with Kings' veteran Rick Adelman.
The Bad News: The left hand isn’t talking to the right. Rick Adelman has declared that he has a massive boner for Rafer Alston, now that he's seen him in practice. Shipped Juwan Howard to the Wolves in the Mike James trade, leaving Shane Battier and Bonzi Wells even less help in the frontcourt.
Fun Fact: Dikembe Mutumbo has been in the league since 1991, or, "the last time a president named George Bush was contemplating pulling out of the Middle East, and a democrat named Clinton was expressing an interest in the oval office." It's good to know we've come a long way. 45-37

11. Orlando Magic

The Good News: While the massive overpayment of Rashard Lewis ranks among the best of the off-season's best blog fodder, it at least improved the team in the short term. Dwight Howard remains the best player named Dwight in the entire Easter Conference, and the most significant improvements made by Eastern teams were made by teams not in their division. If they get off to a good start, holding off Washington for home court is far from a stretch.
The Bad News: This team's strength was its interior defense with Howard and Darko Milicic. They can use the argument that sacrifices had to made to acquire much needed offense in Lewis, but Darko could have been retained on the comparative cheap and he still has tons of unrealized potential. The signing of Adonal Foyle, who sounds more like a primitive fencing implement than anything else, will do little to nothing to mitigate Darko's loss.
Under The Radar News: Not to keep harping on the Lewis deal, but the main reason they could pay him so much was the departure of walking malady, Grant Hill. For all his talent, Hill couldn't stay healthy enough to play much. Not that Lewis is the posterchild for durability, but he's less likely to cause the entirety of central Florida to develop a drinking problem. 47-35

10. Washington Wizards

The Good News: Drafted Nick Young out of USC, who brings a confident jumper and a versatile 6'6" swingman frame. Retained the services of DeShawn Stevenson for an Xbox360, a copy of Halo 3, and an agreement to run up Agent Zero's online score for 8 hours a day. Olesky Pecherov looks poised and ready to challenge all comers for the record for number of Unwarranted Comparisons to Ardyvas Sabonis Based Purely on Name.
The Bad News: This roster still can't play a lick of defense and I'm still not convinced that Eddie Jordan can coach his way out of a paper bag. I've got nothing here, so I'll just reference the fact that over 50% of rabid Wizards fans don't believe the Wizards will win more than 50 games this season.
Fun Fact: Stacy King, during a broadcast last week, favorably compared Pecherov to Stewie from Family Guy. Its too bad Stacy wasn't being guarded by megalomaniacal two-year-olds when he was active player, or he might have had a longer career. 47-35



9. Cleveland Cavaliers

The Good News: Well, they're the defending Eastern Conference champs. And rumor has it, King James was so upset after the reaming his team took from the Spurs in last season's finals that he immediately hit the gym and tried to perfect his jumper. He also won $20 bucks from Tim Donaghy in a bet that he could bench-press the Statue of Liberty.
The Bad News: You would think that after coming within one series of winning it all, a team would do something to improve. The Cavs, apparently, disagree. They did jack squat. You could even argue they're worse off since Big Z is another year older, Anderson Varejao is in a contract dispute that's keeping him out of camp, and they recently made public that Sasha Pavlovic, arguably their best performer in the playoffs other than LeBron, is on the trading block. Wow. Did we just put a team at number nine who ranks Sasha Pavlovic among it's best players? Pass the Ipecac.
Don't Tase Me Bro!!!: Last season, Ira Newble led the team in 3-point percentage. Okay, if Ira Newble leads your team in ANYTHING, you have serious problems. 48-34

The Absolut: Now we're starting to hit the quality booze. You can quaff this straight up and not become instantaneously nauseous. Or in other words, you can actually watch these teams play and not want to gouge your eyes out with a staple remover. Or in more other words, these teams don't need to make any drastic adjustments to their rosters to be competitive. Drink up.

8. New Jersey Nets

The Good News: A healthy Nenad Krstic gives them the most players that could be confused for a testicle in the entire league... and a decent presence at the center position. Vince Carter and Jason Kidd are still in town, which means the team is going to give it one more shot at an Eastern Conference title despite an aging and largely untalented roster past the first few guys.
The Bad News: Other than the return of Gonad, they didn't do much to improve the roster. Conversely, division rival Boston loaded theirs by adding KG and Ray Allen. Also, Bostjan Nachbar of NBA Live awesomeness was a DNP, Coaches Decision the other day against the Knicks. That actually doesn't mean much for the team, but he was instrumental in the only time I creamed Todd at the aforementioned PS 2 game.
Given the Finger: It doesn't appear that authorities are able to confirm a young woman's claim that Jason Kidd grabbed her vag in a Manhattan nightclub. It turns out, though, that the same woman filed another claim against a different club goer the night following Kidd's alleged run-by molesting. There is no truth to the rumor that the second alleged offender was Kidd in disguise. 50-32

7. Denver Nuggets

The Good News: Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony the entire offseason to mesh as friends and teammates. And by mesh, I absolutely mean puff the Maui Wowie and watch "Friday".
The Bad News: Exchanging Steve Blake for the walking corpse of Chucky Atkins fails to resemble a "lateral move". Traded rebounding monster Reggie Evans for Philadelphia's spare parts -- Steven Hunter and Bobby Jones. As a guy who picked up Steven Hunter off the waiver wire last season in my fantasy league, if you're a Nuggets fan and you're excited about all of Hunter's unlocked potential, relax, somebody threw away the key a long time ago.
The Not Surprising News: J.R. Smith already managed to pick up three game suspension for mysterious events unknown. In a league where you can bang a G.M.'s daughter and still coach the team, I can only imagine what wrongdoings would call for such hush-hush dealings. 52-30

6. Utah Jazz

The Good News: At first glance, their roster scarily resembles that of the Indiana Pacers. But then the realization hits you. Wait! Their white guys are actually good and not overpaid! Andrei Kirilenko, one of the best all around players in the league, has softened his stance on leaving and if Coach Jerry Sloan actually decides to use him, the Jazz can really make a run at the conference. You know, if the entire Suns, Spurs, and Mavs rosters go on a snowboarding trip with Vladimir Radmanovic.
The Bad News: The Jazz are extremely worried about the troublesome knee of Matt Harpring, one of the aforementioned not overpaid and not overrated white guys. Harpring may not be a household name, but the team relies heavily on his and Gordan Giricek's 3 point shooting to spread the floor and keep teams from doubling Carlos Boozer in the post.
Take it to the bank: This is the season Deron Williams breaks out and averages 25 points and 12 assists. Ladies and gentlemen, your more pigmented Steve Nash. This guy is so good, there's a distinct possibilty the league may have to change a rule here and there to level the playing field. 54-28

5. Boston Celtics
The Good News: Called in a favor from former Celtic legend Kevin McHale and landed KG, despite better offers from other teams sitting on Minnesota's table. Basically traded Wally Szczerbiak for Ray Allen, which could be seen as a shrewd move.
The Bad News: The remaining roster resembles a block of Jarlsberg. Danny Ainge has attempted to plug the holes with other teams' trash - Scot "Hey kids, do drugs!" Pollard, Eddie "Pass me the rock!" House, and James "Cheap Shot" Posey. Meanwhile, is Rajon Rondo ready to be a full-time starter at point guard for a "contender" in the east? At least he won't have time finding rookie Glen Davis for an inside pass -- he's so fat, he needs a VCR for a pager.
The "Hello, McFly?!" News: With everybody and their half-brother in Boston taking out a second mortgage and selling a kidney for season tickets, we wonder if anybody has realized that the captain of this luxury cruise liner is still named Doc Rivers. Hey, what's that large icy object up ahead?

The Belvedere: For a coal miner, the sun shines especially bright on the weekends. I really have no idea where I'm going with that, but for me, Belvedere shines like a..... what I mean is... ah, just pass me the damn bottle.



4. Phoenix Suns

The Good News: Adding Grant Hill to their rotation is basically the equivalent of adding hooters to Kate Hudson. She's already effin hot, but hey! Why not! After initially voicing his discontent, Shawn Marion has decided to stick it out with the suns. Which is kind of like Kate Hudson with her new hooters telling you she wants to leave you, and then coming back for one more rumble in the sack. Booyah! This also could be the big breakout year for Leandro Barbosa, which is kind of like your girlfriend Kate Hudson telling you, "Hey, I know I'm hot and all but I wanna be even hotter for you so I'm gonna go buy big new hooters."
The Bad News: Raja Bell and Marion are excellent defenders, but the rest of the team's D ranges from cringe-worthily awful to merely poor. That's thanks largely in part to the departure of Kurt Thomas, who despite spending much of the past couple of seasons injured, was the only guy on the roster who could contain the West's plethora of talented PFs and centers.
The Look the 'Eff Out News: It's unlikely, but given the idiocy of the Lakers' front office, a Kobe trade here is not out of the question. They could package Barbosa with some other pieces and picks, and they'd be a lock to win the next 5 championships. Hey, we're just sayin. 58-24.

3. Chicago Bulls

The Good News: After their embarrassing loss to the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Championships, the Bulls quietly continued to improve their nucleus in the offseason. In a case of addition by subtraction, P.J. Brown was not resigned, and the void left at power forward looks to be filled from within by human fly-swatter Tyrus Thomas, or free agent signing Joe Smith. Ben Wallace may be in the sunset period of his career, but the five position should be bolstered by the drafting of Gator star Joakim Noah, the final dividend of the Eddy Curry trade. With Cleveland standing pat, Detroit playing Injury Russian Roulette and Miami continuing to make short-sighted win-now moves, the Bulls appear to be the team to beat in the East. ::Gunshots:: Torsten reporting in. Todd appears to have been overcome with a case of acute homerism, and I’ve been forced to end him.
The Bad News: Whether Tyrus Thomas or Joakim Noah can fill the bill of “reliable post scorer” remains to be seen, but we wouldn’t be surprised if Scott Skiles runs some more plays for Luol Deng in the paint regardless.
Similarity Scores Strike Again: Before Todd gets too excited about the Joe Smith signing, it’s worth noting that basketballreference.com has statistically derived that, at this stage in his career, Joe most resembles Mike Gminski. Start shaking the champagne bottles now, Chicago.



2. Dallas Mavericks

The Good News: The roster which compiled last season's best regular season record by a long shot is still largely intact. They addressed perimeter defense, their only evident weakness if you don't count Dirk Nowitzki's Houdini act in any game resembling importance, with the signing of Grandpa Eddie Jones. They also filled a huge hole on the bench with the departure of the atrocious Austin Croshere. A repeat of last season's 67 wins may be a stretch, but home court in the playoffs is a lock.
The Bad News: Nobody has performed a bigger choke act than Nowitzki since Linda Lovelace. This team has all the weapons to win a championship, much like Todd has all the booze in his liquor cabinet to make Ted Kennedy's left eyebrow raise, but like O'Douls won't get you hammered, a team without it's best player being just that in the playoffs won't get very far.
Are you not telling us something?: According to basketball reference.com, in one season Nowitzki most closely resembled John Amaechi's output, no pun intended. Relax, ladies -- it was most likely his thumbs he was sucking on after the Mavs got unceremoniously creamed by City in the playoffs last year. 64-18

1. San Antonio Spurs

The Good News: Well, you would think that Father Time would eventually catch up to this roster. But it seems Tim Duncan ages like Chateau La Dorgonne. Between D and D games, he quietly put up what many believe to be his finest season, despite bearing little to no resemblance to Mike Gminski. Tony Parker, while having arguably the hottest wife in the league, is also the best point guard in the world whose name doesn't start with S and end in teve Nash.
The Bad News: With Big Shot Bob, Brent Barry, and Bruce Bowen still around, the Spurs lead the league in beneficiaries of the AARP's benevolent benefit backage... I mean package.
If nly for comedy's sake: Todd and I have been laughing hysterically about Ian Mahimni's draft player profile for two years now. In the "Needs to Improve" section, there were only two words: "Overall Skill." Sometimes brevity is a virtue. This summer, the Spurs finally flew Ian back over the Atlantic and threw him on the roster. Sadly for us, with defensive monster Francisco Elson, Fabricio Oberto, and draftee Tiago Splitter on the roster, Ian likely won't see the end of this month with the team.

Editors' Notes: You know, one of Todd's and my goals at the beginning of this article was to see, if only out of spite, how far down the rankings we could justifiably knock the Suns and Mavs based on their track records of playoff disappointment. When we got towards the end of this article, it became evident to us that thanks to the vortex of mediocrity that has become the NBA these days, our dreams would be dashed. As always, bottoms up and thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

So Long Sunshine

Phoenix Suns' forward Shawn Marion, according to reports, has asked to be traded. Here's how that conversation probably went.

Marion: "I want a trade."
Steve Kerr: "No."
Marion: "Crap."

Our Take: Seriously, who didn't see this one coming? The so-called expert analysts around the country had him everywhere from Atlanta to New Zealand right before the draft. The only reason he's still in Phoenix is that nearly as many rumors persisted about Amare Stoudamire being dealt. But when Garnett went to Boston, that pretty much meant two of the league's most enormous egos were once again earmarked to squeeze into the same arena. Will Marion be dealt? Hard to say. Steve Kerr is a savvy business man and won't make a deal unless it helps his team. Then again, he doesn't want it to become a case of addition by subtraction. The Lakers and Jazz have been mentioned as likely destinations due to his friedship with Kobe and Andrei Kirilenko's desire to get out of Utah. Realistically, however, neither scenario is likely because Kirilenko after last season is pennies on the dollar for Marion, and it's against Mitch Kupchak's religion to do anything beneficial to the Lakers. We at 120 have a couple other destinations that make a little more sense.

Detroit: First off, they're a perennial contender in the East. Second, they are desperately in need of getting younger. Third, they actually have pieces to deal, which is a necessity because the Suns are notorious for not giving a crap about draft picks. Something involving Rasheed Wallace wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

Chicago: They failed in their attempt to get Kobe because they didn't want to part with Luol Deng. They won't have to to get Marion and they're more than willing to part with Ben Gordon and Andres Nocioni if it means landing one more star.

Miami: The Heat have deep pockets, and they need them with their diabolical cap situation. They also need help, and Marion would be the guy who could do it. Another season at or below mediocrity and Shaq will try to complain his way out of Florida too, like he did in L.A. Only this time, he's older, more fragile, and fat, so he might lack the clout.

The Poo Hit the Fantasy: Once Bloody Mary number 3 lifted the last of the cobwebs on Sunday morning, our Brian Westbrook had already piled up nearly 200 yards from scrimage and 3 touchdowns. Good for him. Bad for us. Especially since powerhouse Frank Gore accumulated a whopping 4 points for us, Deuce McCallister's number of torn ligaments was greater than his touchdown total, and our dependable San Diego defense got us approximately negative that amount. All in all, the complete ass-kicking Yahoo! predicted for us was reversed and ten times as bad. Our asses are still sore.

Next Week: We have the Orange Crush, one of two winless teams in our league, and the one with the lowest point total overall. He boasts, among other atrocities, Jay Cutler as his quarterback. I'm fairly certain there are a decent number of Broncos fans who would love to see a DNA tests to determine if he has any relation to Rex Grossman. That TWO starting quarterbacks could simultaneously play that shockingly abysmal can't possibly be coincidence. We're predicting a bloodbath.

Stronger Than Cough Syrup: ESPN and the Associated Press are reporting that Michael Vick tested positive for weed a couple of weeks ago. This, to paraphrase, could tighten restrictions on his freedom.

Our Take: We didn't know it got much tighter than prison. What's next, a Russian gulag? You know PETA wouldn't argue. But all in all, this can't be too shocking. What was he supposed to do when his buddy showed up at the door?

Vick's Buddy: "Hey man. They're investigating you for dog-fighting."
Vick: "Well that sucks. Wanna torch one?"

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

At Long Last

We've awoken from a nearly two-week slumber, assisted by copious amounts of Old Overholt and the absolute lack of anything interesting happening in the world of sports. Well, an OJ arrest, 11 passing touchdowns in one game, and Kobe getting a new teammate made us get off our lazy asses and wax poetic for a bit.

Da Juice: If you haven't heard about good ole Orenthal's latest jurisprudence problems, you're either oblivious or share a lot of traits with Hellen Keller. After allegedly (hahahahahahahahaahahah. wait a second.... wait.... aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahah) turning two people into Pez dispensers, a little armed robbery seems almost tame. The real diamond in this story is that the Goldman family, who won gazillions from Simpson in a civil settlement, wants the sports memorabilia that OJ went to "recover." Sure, an OJ rookie will fetch ya about 50 bones on Ebay, and an autograph potentially over a hundered, but come on.

Our Take: We can be summed up in one word. Why!!!??? For some reason, if a celebrity butchers members of my family, I don't think collecting autographed memorabilia with the guy's mug all over it will be anywhere near the top of my list of itineraries. What was Oj gonna do with them anyway? Take them to a pawn shop? Hey, man. Wanna buy some Me rookie cards?

You playin' da Foosball again?: Some interesting happenings on the gridiron this weekend. In case nobody noticed, and since the game involved the Cleveland Browns it's likely noone did, Carson Palmer and Derek Anderson combined to throw 11 touchdown passes. In one game. In case you were curious, that exceeds the number of td passes thrown by the entire NFC West division up to this point in the season. Also in that game, Cleveland's Jamal Lewis rushed for 216 yards. That is more than the supposedly dynamic duo of Deuce McCallister and Reggie Bush have combined for all season, and it narrowly missed exceeding yesterday's Bacardi and Coke intake.

The Kobester: The Lakers continue to try and pacify their superstar by adding talent to his supporting cast. The latest addition, power forward Elton Brown.

Our Take: Kobe has to be loving this. Finally, after months of bitching, the Laker front office went out and got him a legitimate big man. Sure, the guy may have a ruptured achilles tendon, but he is almost certain to be fully recovered in time for the playoffs. 20 PPG and 12 rebounds are nearly guaranteed for this guy, and he.... what's that? Wrong Elton??? Oh. What are the odds in Vegas of a missing persons report for GM Mitch Kupchak being issued this week?

Domination: 120 Proof is officially 2-0 in fantasy football, with the highest point total in our league. Getting 6 touchdown passes from the aforementioned Palmer didn't hurt, but we continue to look like geniuses for the huge bargains Randy Moss and Lamont Jordan have turned out to be so far. The beauty here is, if Deuce McCallister (whom we were so proud of getting) and Thomas Jones (who we took way too high in the third round) start producing anything more than a steaming pile of turd for us, we're off and running.

Next Week: Yahoo! has us crushing Gimme Da Rock. We're not so sure. He has Brian Westbrook going against Detroit's sieve-like run defense, and Chad Johnson should have a field day against Seattle's pedestrian secondary. We get a little bit of help because he has zero other good backs, and his Jacksonville defense is surprisingly diabolical.

Fearless Forecast: We take it, but in a close one. Palmer should have another big game, and the combination of Frank Gore, Jordan, Moss, and San Diego's defense against Green Bay should make up for the enormous anchor that McCallister and Jones are for our fantasy ship.

Lastly: Philly QB Donomoron McNabb is back in the news, and he's running his mouth off again about how black quarterbacks are under a bigger microscope than white quarterbacks. He says that Carson Palmer and Peyton Manning don't get criticized as much as he does.

Our Take: The explanation here is fairly simple. Palmer and Manning don't get criticized much because THEY'RE GOOD AND YOU SUCK! Jiminy Christmas, this CAN'T be that difficult to understand. White quarterbacks like Joey Harrington, David Carr, Ben Roethlisberger last year, Josh McCown and a host of others get lambasted daily for blowing ass. Vince Young is getting praised to the high heavens for his quality play in Tennessee this season. You wan't people to shut up about you? Then get off your damn racist high horse and start playing like you were last season before your dumb ass tore up a knee. Keep lofting beautiful spirals into the arms of opposing teams' defensive backs, only a fool would expect zero scrutiny. Douchebag... Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Fan effin Tastic

As promised to nobody, we're about 42 minutes away from 120 Proof's first annual foray into fantasy football. And for your entertainment, we've decided to keep a running diary. The draft hasn't even started and we've already broken cardinal rule number 1. Don't show up to your draft with a ridiculous hangover. If the pizza delivery guy doesn't show up in the next half hour, someone is gonna get hurt.

12:49: We have the number 5 pick. No L.T. for us. On the bright side, Obafemi Ayanbadejo should still be on the board. Todd just hit me.

12:58: 17 minutes until we start. The taste of Miller High Life is still lingering in my mouth after three brushings. That's how amped I am.

1:09: There is a God. And his name is pizza. Let's get this damn SHOW on the road.

Round 1: L.T., Steve Jackson, Larry Johnson, Joseph Addai went 1-4. I was gonna go for Wes Welker but Todd jumped in and took Frank Gore. Oh well. We'll deal. In all seriousness, Addai was the guy we figured we would get here. Sadly, we underestimated Joe of the Anal Nation. Addai figures to put up big numbers against a zero man front. We're not gonna cry about Gore though. He was great last year, and with a better O-line, and a more experienced Alex Smith, he figures to only get better.

Round 2: Scaryness. Look at those backs flying off the board. It was unrealistic to hope that M.J. Drew or Reggie Bush would still be on the board, but at least one of the Travis Henry, Laurence Maroney, Willis McGahee wasn't unreasonable. When they all went bye bye, I was sadly gonna click on Jay Feely in resignation, but Todd made me be realisitic and take Carson Palmer, the best qb not named Peyton Manning.

Round 3: Turned around quickly. We figured nothing but slim pickins on the running backs would be left but lo and behold, Thomas Jones fell into our laps. While unspectactular, 1200 yards and 8 tds shouldn't be unreasonable.

Round 4: This is where it gets very entertaining. All kinds of crazy things happen. The Chicago D goes three rounds too early. Other reaches include John Kitna, DeShaun Foster, and Todd Heap. So imagine our joy when Deuce McCallister is still available. Yes, I know. So far, our backs look like a medical textbook of ligament maladies, but on the off chance they stay healthy, we could be on our way.

Round 5: The pizza has been devoured, the 18 pack cracked, and good reason has gone out the window. In a panic, we jump on the San Diego defense after the Ravens and Pats vanished into thin air. What do these bastards think they're doing to me? Anyway, this became even more irritating when Dallas was still available in round 13. More on that later. Anyway, between belches, Todd mentions we don't have a wide receiver yet. The room falls silent. That, in and of itself, isn't that strange since we were the only ones in there. Never mind, I don't know where I'm going with this.

Round 6: It seems like an eternity. Obviously, all the top notch receivers are long gone, but we still have our eyes on Lee Evans (who would be an absolute steal here), Isaac Bruce (who, despite being ancient still had more than 1000 yards receiving last year), Donte Stallworth, and Devery Henderson. Predictably, Evand doesn't make it to us, but the other three do. Todd and I are about to throw down in disagreement when a female voice pops up behind us. "Hey. Randy Moss. Isn't he good?" Yes, Todd's wife, yes he is. At least he was. Then he left Minnesota. Now in New England, he has Tom Brady. Eye contact, and a click of the mouse. What do we have to lose, really?

Round 7-9: It's time for the scrapheap. Looking at our squad, we have three backs, a top notch qb, and a potential monster at WR. With three flex positions, we only need to start one WR. Quickly, we agree to snag any running back left on the board who has the potential to be in something better than a timeshare situation. That ends up being, to our pleasant surprise, Lamont Jordan (who despite being a Raider and therefore would normally be omitted from our team on principle alone, has a hold on the starting job), and LenDale White. I might be a USC homer, but hey, why not take a flyer. He seems to have the starting gig in Houston for now. In between, we couldn't resist taking Bernard Berrian. Moss is a timebomb and we needed a backup. Despite Berrian's qb being Rex Grossman, he can put up some numbers, especially if Grossman gets benched. Some great reaches in these rounds too. Adam Vinatieri, David Akers, and the wrong Adrian Peterson. Oops.

Round 10-12: We still need a tight end, a kicker, and a backup qb. I don't give a crap who the kicker is, so we have a few more rounds to sort that out. We had hoped to luck into Joey Harrington in the late LATE rounds, but that didn't happen. So we took the next best thing. Matt Schaub. At worst, he's average, and since Houston figures to be trailing by three touchdowns at halftime week in and week out, he might have the potential to put up some numbers. He better if Palmer has another ACL incident. Nothing but scraps left at tight end. Either Randy McMichael or Jason Witten is going to end up being our guy. Only one team hasn't picked a TE yet besides us. We grab Marcell Shipp and the Jerry Porter. Hey, Culpepper has to throw to someone, right?

Round 13-15: Okay, we still need a tight end and a kicker. Inexplicably, four more tight ends get chosen, one of them being Witten. We lucked out having McMichael still be there for us. After him, it was Owen Daniels and a bunch of dudes I've never heard of. 3rd string running backs are flying off the board. Darren Sproles. Chris Henry. No, not the guy suspended, the other one. Also, one team took a flier on Devin Hester as a WR. (!) Then, the pick before ours, it hits me. The Dallas D gets taken. In round 14. Wow, did we ever get bamboozled into taking a top 100 pick on a defense. Yeah, it was San Diego, but still. Small consolation, the Oakland D, which very quietly finished fifth overall last season, was still there. Click. The kicker, Neil Rackers. Click. We're done.

Preview Week 1: We got Buttersploogecups. A work colleague of Poopie's (a regular commenter on 120 who also happens to moonlight as TTG's girlfriend) and someone who knows decidely little about fantasy football.

The Problem: She had pick 2. That happened to be Stephen Jackson. She also ended up with Marvin Harrison. Even if her qb is Alex Smith, we could lose to just those 2 alone.

Yahoo!: We're gonna lose by 20. How is this possible!!?? Oh, that's right. While our threats are taking on the likes of Baltimore, New England, and Chicago, she has Arizona, Cleveland, and Detroit. Jiminy Christmas...

Our Prediction: We're gonna be the first to be embarrassed by Buttersplooge this year. It's gonna be closer than Yahoo! says, but we simply don't have the firepower to overcome her wild horses running free when we're facing the Chicago, New England, and San Diego defenses. Oh well, we can still go 15-1. Thanks for having a shot of 120 proof.

What's In a Name?

Here at 120, we believe in a very simple bylaw. At the inception of the human race, each name was allotted a pre-determined amount of basketball skill. Some more than others. What really sucks here, is that with certain names, a very select few hog all the awesomeness. Take "Larry" for example. If you're not a goofy looking white guy from French Lick, IN, you're pretty much screwed. Look at the evidence! Pretty much every other Larry that has ever played pro basketball has suffered thanks to God's miserly distribution of ability to the name. With all due respect to Larry Johnson, let's take a look at some of the guys who are lowering the Larry Bell Curve.

Larry Cannon: Great name! Hey, ladies… have you met the Larry Cannon? - Too bad a great name doesn't translate to great player. Drafted by the Bulls with the 5th pick in ’69 out of LaSalle. Never played for the Bulls. Bounced around to six teams in four seasons before falling out of the league… despite being a top-5 pick. No truth to the rumor that Isaiah Thomas was the Bulls GM in a previous life at this time.

Larry Krystkowiak: Drafted in the second round by the Chicago Bulls out of University of Montana. Averaged a pedestrian 8 ppg over 9 seasons. Not horrible numbers for a backup, but he never made it out of the first round of the playoffs his entire career. To maintain his lifelong pursuit of mediocrity, he recently took the head coaching job in noted asian Mecca, Milwaukee.

Larry Demic: drafted 9th by the Knickerbockers out of University of Arizona. This forward averaged 4ppg over three seasons before falling out of the league, despite being a lottery pick. We'd make another Zeke joke here but the degree of difficulty is too low.

Larry Hennessy: Another awesome name. If you're surname is a dead ringer for a decent cognac, you owe it to society not to blow. Apparently Larry missed the memo. A second round draft pick by the Warriors, he lasted two mediocre seasons.

Larry Hughes: Early in his career, he was a posterchild for mediocrity, but in 04-05, he averaged 22ppg and led the league in steals... in a contract year. This led the Cavaliers to throw a salary-cap-eviscerating contract at him. Larry put his John Hancock to the paper and promptly tore his ACL, missing 58 games over the next two seasons. By the time he's done, his only distinction will be that he will have earned more money than any other Larry in NBA history.

Larry McNeill: Second round pick by the Kings out of Marquette, this forward averaged 8 points over 6 seasons, failing to get out of the first round of the playoffs in both efforts. That's probably due as much to the Kings being terrible than anything else, but the lesson here is that if your team already sucks, don't draft Larrys.

Larry Micheaux: The Bulls, with their propensity for dudes named Larry, picked this guy up in the second round in ’83. Played for five teams in two seasons before being pink-slipped.

Larry Moffett: Drafted in the second round by the Rockets in the ’78 draft, this poor sod only scored 16 points in his whole pathetic career. This means if he was still playing, never added to his total, and had played 48 minutes every game and never missed one, his scoring average would be .00042 points a game. Now THAT is weak.

Larry Robinson: Went undrafted but still managed to play for ten teams in seven seasons, averaging 4ppg and never making the playoffs once. What we'd like to know is how he managed to hook on with ten teams. If the number of teams you've played on is higher than the number of years you've played, that should eventually tip someone off.

Larry Siegfried: Things must have been different back in the day; he’s listed as a 6’3” forward. Rode the coattails of the Celtics in the 60’s to some success. His numbers, while not being totally abysmal (10ppg in 24mpg) when you take into consideration that Kwame Brown couldn't average 10ppg if he played 95 minutes per game, but any and all positives he may have had are counteracted by the fact that his last name makes him sound more like a mad scientist than a baller.

Larry Smith: This guy might have a name that sounds like something you'd give a cop, but his nickname was Mr. Mean. We kid you not. Despite an awesome nickname, he averaged 10 ppg and 2 turnovers in 13 seasons with the Warriors, Rockets and Spurs. Mr. Suck might have been more appropriate.

Larry Staverman: A former second round pick, he was out of the league after putting up 4ppg for five teams in five seasons. Again, one of those math geek names. If you're gonna draft a Larry whose last name isn't Bird, then it better be something like Mutilator or Kittenskinner. Current Vegas odds on a guy named Larry Wusspansifier being drafted have not been posted.

Larry Steele: Voted “player most likely to also be a porn star”, he was picked in the third round, which no longer exists, but still managed to put together a 9 season career with the Blazers. His numbers won't make anyone fall out of their chairs, but we'll cut him some slack because of his cool surname.

Larry Stewart: Undrafted. Played 5 seasons with the early 90’s Bullets, 7ppg. Eh, the league minimum still beats slangin' weed, right? By the way, who thought it would be a good idea to name a team the Bullets in the murder capital of the USA? Didn't former mayor Marion Barry once say something like "Other than the murders, we have a really low crime rate!"

Larry Wright: Taken as a lottery pick by the Bullets in ’76, out of Grambling State University, he doled out mediocrity to the tune of 8ppg over 6 seasons. I guess the guy out of Aamish Lutheran Polytechnic, Larry Clamburglar, had some discipline issues.

Larry Moten: Second rounder for the Vancouver Grizzlies in ’95 out of Syracuse, he was axed 27 minutes into his third season. No word on whether he was cut while actually on the floor. Now THAT would be an ignominious way to get the boot.

Larry Funderburke: Ah, the prize. The grandaddy of all Larrys. And hey, if Lawrence Fishburne can go by Larry in Boyz n da Hood, Funderburke can deal for the purpose of this article. Larry was bringin’ the ‘Funder in Sacramento as a bench warmer in their golden years of the late 90’s. When Sacramento cut bait, Chicago couldn’t resist signing another Larry and hilariously used him to defend Shaq in the ’05 playoffs. After failing to secure another contract, he penned an autobiography entitled Hook Me Up, Playa, detailing how pro athletes have a hilarious propensity towards financial disaster.

Larry Turner: The Lakers just signed this kid today, and looking at the list above, I'm not too keen on his chance at the Hall of Fame. Maybe THIS was the move Kobe was demanding that the Lakers make...

There are a few others including Larry Fogle, Larry Comley, Larry Conley, Larry Bergh, Larry Friend; But information on these guys required way too much effort to find since all we were going to do was ridicule them. Probably because they bid the league adieu after lasting less than one full season.

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

In your fantasies, pal.

Last year, despite a star-studded roster featuring Stephen Jackson, Tom Brady, Torry Holt, and a bunch of other guys I don't know, my team finished in the middle of the pack. Not only that, my ego has only now started showing signs of recovery from losing to my girlfriend of all people. So what makes me the expert? Well, nothing really. In fact, I'm probably the least qualified person to give anyone advice on how to draft their team. So why am I doing this? It's quite simple, actually. I was the newbie last season. I had never played fantasy football. But now, with a year of experience and embarrassment under my belt, I'm equipped to win. And since my performance last season was so humiliatingly poor (think Rosanne Barr and Star Spangled Banner), nobody is gonna expect my sneak attack from the back. If you want to win your league this season, pay special attention to 120 Proof's dos and don'ts of fantasy football drafting.

The Dos: If God decides you're not going to win, you're not gonna. But if you fail to observe some of the pillars of fantasy football success of your own volition, he might just strike you dead for your insolence. Douchebag.

Keep up with who is injured, in prison, etc.: It never fails. Somebody is going to pick Michael Vick. OMG! I can't believe he's still available in the fifth round! Booyah!!! Listen closely now. It's a relatively simple theory that comes into play here. How much time a quarterback spends behind bars is inversely proportional to how many touchdown passes he's gonna throw for you. And on that note, if a running back tears an ACL, you can make a relatively safe wager that his touchdown total might suffer a bit. Really.

Keep your mouth shut: If you have some secret insight, and you tell everyone, guess what. It's not a damn secret anymore. Chances are, your league is not going to be filled with aficionados. So if you happen to stumble accross a tid bit of knowledge about an obscure player who might contribute major points to a team this season (think maybe a running back who unexpectedly won the starting job over an aging incumbent), keep it to yourself. If you happen to hear about some big name quarterback who is about spend a couple of years in an eight by four for dogfighting, not that it would ever happen, but shut your piehole. Because SOMEBODY didn't hear about it, and that somebody is going to waste a pick on that player, leaving one extra good player on the board when it's your turn.

Do your homework: Even though we all just got a disturbing flashback of Mrs. Williamson, the fourth grade teacher with the hairy mole on her cheek admonishing us for not completing our social studies assignment, that's not what I mean. Here's what I DO mean. Find out who the favorite teams of your fellow players are. Cross those off of a list. Then pick a team that generally sucks and no one likes. Tampa Bay comes to mind. Read their depth chart on the team's website, or the Yahoo! Sports website for that team. Whether you've heard of those guys or not, even the starters on crappy teams put up good points. With only very few exceptions, most every team in the league last year had a wide receiver with 1000 receiving yards and some touchdowns to boot. So if you don't land a Torry Holt, Marvin Harrison, Steve Smith, Larry Fitzgerald type early, don't panic. You'll find a Mike Furrey or a Jerry Porter still on the draft board in the later rounds. Another example, although I will contradict this in the next section, keep an eye on the waiver wire if your defense isn't Chicago or Baltimore. If one of the league's worst offenses is playing against a team whose defense is available, it might be worth it to grab them. It's never a good idea to draft a defense very high but if a good matchup falls into your lap, why not take it.

Pick a lot of backs: In most leagues, the running backs are your butter and egg makers. They compile receiving yards in addition to their rushing yards, and on average score 25% more touchdowns than their receiver teammates. If it's round 7, and you already have....say, 4 running backs and a quarterback, and D'Angelo Williams is the best player on the board, take him. But I need a tight end!, you're no doubt screaming. Here's a tip. There are 11 teams other than yours in the league. Unless someone has no idea what they're doing, each person will draft only one. There is one tight end (Antonio Gates) worth even thinking about in the first three rounds. After him, even though there are other big names like Tony Gonzales and Jeremy Shockey out there, the difference between the points they'll get you and the points a guy still on the board in round 12 (Owen Daniels, Randy McMichael, and LJ Smith are likely candidates) will get you is very nominal. If you have a surplus of running backs, you'll have people knocking down your door to trade with you. You hold the cards, and can make the best deal to upgrade one of your weaker positions.

Pay Attention: Stay in touch with who your opponents are picking. You're generally allotted 90 seconds for your picks, and your fellow players will probably come to your door and stab you if you take the full 90 for each pick. So be ready to choose when it's your turn. Don't rush, but if you can make your selection efficiently, it gives whomever is picking after you less time to deliberate. If he isn't ready, he's more likely to make a poor choice, and more likely to take the full 90 seconds, resulting in his possible stabbing and therefore one less opponent for you to worry about. Two picks before your turn, it's a good idea to have three guys in mind who you'd take with your next pick. Worst case scenario, one of them will still be on the board when it's your turn.

The Don'ts: You're an animal. A machine. A bully. You prey on the weak. Or are you the prey? Avoiding costly draft miscues will save you a lot of grief. And this is pure gold too. Anyone can tell you not to draft a kicker until the last round, or not reach for a defense, but this, my friends, is the winning ticket wo Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Homerism: Don't lie. You have a favorite team. Do yourself a favor, and forget about them for a couple of hours. Especially, if your team sucks. It never fails. Some overzealous homer freak is gonna pick Kevin Curtis three rounds too early, gloat about what a steal it was, and suffer the entire season for it. Do you really want to be stuck with J.P. Losman, Marshawn Lynch, and Lee Evans in the same lineup? It's only natural for people to have an affinity for their hometeam guys. Fine. Pick one. But if at all possible, avoid having backs and receivers from the same team. Remember, they're competing for touches. On the same note, I don't care how much you hate the 49rs, if Frank Gore is there at number 8, you take him. Keep your biases aside. Period.

Fiber: Nothing can ruin a good draft like having to take a giant, steaming crap in the middle of it. Especially in the early rounds, you might only have 5-7 minutes between picks. Every second you spend on the can, you miss who everyone else picks and who is left on the board. You simply can't afford to be away from the computer for that long. So hold it. On that same note, turn off your cell phone ringer. That's nearly as bad as decorating the porcelain with last night's bone-dry meatloaf. (Hey, Aunt Edna was in town. Whatcha gonna do?) In a perfect world, your ass is in your chair in front of the computer from beginning to end. Is that realistic? No. But minimize your absences.

Waiver Wire: Granted, you can find some bargains there every now and then. Last season, I snagged Mo Jones-Drew and Travis Henry in week 4. That doesn't happen much. If someone is available, there is probably a reason for it. Try to fight the LOLZ! Ahman Green is a free agent! I better grab him! urge. He was good in 2000. That was 7 years ago. With a good Green Bay team. Just because you recognize someone's name doesn't mean you have shoot your shorts when he's available. Chill out, and refer to do #3. Chances are you'll find out some unsavory information.

Worry about the bye week: It never fails. The inevitable panic that sets in when you see that three of your running backs, a receiver, a tight end, and your kicker all have Week 8 as their bye. Forget about it. You weren't going to go undefeated anyway. You're not Orel Hershiser and you weren't going to pitch 58 shutout innings in a row. Would you rather have your strongest possible team for 15 out of 16 weeks, or something less than your strongest team for 16 out of 16 weeks? Think about it. Now, it's not enough of a factor to go out of your way to draft guys with the same bye week, but if it happens to turn out that way, it's a blessing, not a curse. Oh, and when your bye week shelves half your team, stay away from the waiver wire. Suck it up, take your loss like a grownup, take the inevitable smacktalk from your peers with a grain of salt, and resume the domination next week.

Hate Draft: We know your buddy is a humongous Carolina fan. We know he has an inexplicable mancrush on Jake Delhomme. But while the slew of expletives he'll hurl at you for taking "his guy right out from under him" will no doubt be funny, you just saddled yourself with a dead weight QB for the sole purpose of angering your friend. In reality, you just saved him 16 weeks of heartache in the form of crappy quarterback play. Also beware of your buddy who says, Gee, I really hope Tatum Bell is still on the board for my next pick or Wow, if I can snag Devery Henderson with my next pick I'll be thrilled. He's trying to bait you into making a stupid pick. Why? Because you did him a giant favor by hate drafting Antwaan Randle El right in front of him and how he knows you're succeptible to stupid mistakes like that.

The honorable mentions: All the really important stuff has been covered but here are a couple of other tidbits you might find useful.

Do take late-round flyers: Look, by round 8, you pretty much have the meat and potatoes of your team. If you've heard from a reliable source that such and such rookie receiver is having a great camp and has become his quarterback's favorite target, take a chance on him. People took chances on tight end-eligible Marques Colston last year and were rewarded big time. Everyone knows who Calvin Johnson is by now, but do you know Ted Ginn Jr.? He might be this year's Devin Hester for Miami. If he's there in round 10 or later, maybe it's worth it to see if he pans out.

Don't take early-round flyers: Okay, it's your fifth pick and you need a receiver. The aforementioned Johnson, with his wealth of rediculous talent, is still there. However, so is the proven veteran TJ Houshmanzadeh. While Johnson may explode and have a giant year, he can also bust and give you crap, kinda like every highly regarded Lions rookie receiver this decade. Meanwhile, the reliable Houshmanzadeh is on his way to 1100 yards and 8 touchdowns for the year.

Do cover your ass: This means if you win the lottery and get LaDanian Thomlinson, use a late pick on his backup, Michael Turner. That way, if the unthinkable happens and L.T. gets hurt, you at least have a backup ready to jump in. He might very well spend the entire season on your bench, soaking up a roster spot. But so what. Did you really need that 4th string wide receiver? Is a backup tight end that important??? No. But you can bet your bottom dollar that if L.T. goes down, Turner will be the first guy taken off the waiver wire. If you've already got him, you're covered. Well, as covered as you can be after the best fantasy performer on the planet just went IR on you.

Don't take injury prone guys: Hey, if Clinton Portis or Fred Taylor are still on the board late, fine. Like we've already covered, late-round flyers can be good. But using a high pick on a guy who has a history of crippling injuries is asking for disaster. Conversely, their backups (Ladell Betts and MJD) could prove to be good value picks.

Do buy us plenty of booze after our invaluable advice has helped you dominate your league. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Battered Fan Syndrome

It seems these days that sports are a farce. Our beloved passtimes have devolved into institutions laden with corruption, steroid abuse, games of political tug-of-war, strikes, banishment of alcohol, and our athletic heroes have been replaced by self-aggrandizing, masturbatory sons of bitches that couldn't give one single solitary damn about us, the fans. The ones that pay their bloated salaries. However, like a woman who can't bring herself to leave her abusive husband, we stick around. Oh, we might threaten to leave. We might even take a brief hiatus. But we always come back. Why is this? Well, our investigative staff here at 120 (Todd and I) took it up ourselves do look a little further (down a case of Mickey's and talk about stuff we think is bitchin') research and get to the bottom of Battered Fan Syndrome. What we found were five things, many unique only to the sports world, that make it worth sticking around for us fans.

The draft: Possibly the greatest institution in sports, whoever invented the draft was a god damn genius. It is, at the same time, a wellspring of hope for the future, and a glaring reminder of how poorly the front office is mismanaging your team. It is a system which rewards mediocrity and ineptitude with talented youth. Sometimes it works (see also, 2007 Chicago Bulls), sometimes it doesn’t (see also, Adam Morrisson, JJ Reddick), but regardless it’s always entertaining. And then there’s the sub-plots. Who’s going to rot, weeping, in the green room the longest? Who’s going to wear the zoot suit. Who’s mom is hotter than Torsten’s sister? Why won’t Stephen A. and Dickie V. ever shut up?

The Buzzer Beater/Walkoff: Nothing jabs a rusty phillips head screwdriver into the pancreas of an opponent quite like a game-winning shot at the buzzer and a tater in the bottom of the ninth inning to win the game. One second, a team looks set to revel in the spoils of victory. The next, they look like someone just took a runny, next morning beer crap on their pillow. Not even Prozac has an answer for that one.

Rivalries: Yankees and Red Sox. Packers and Bears. Ali and Frazier. Liverpool and Manchester United. No matter what sport you come up with, there is a rivalry amongst the bigger teams. Even the word "rivalry" might be better replaced with "bitter hatred." There is greater propensity for violence, an unimitable atmosphere in the stadium, and usually reliable blog fodder for hacks like us. The Lakers and Clippers tip off four times next season, and it might be only during those precious few games that Todd and I will forget about Tim Donaghy's irreparable destruction of basketball's integrity. Not to mention David Stern immortalizing his ineptitude by failing to instill anything resembling confidence in the sport's loyal fanbase in the aftermath. We'll still be there. We know the operation is crooked, but for some reason, we'll still tune in.

Records: As the Foo Fighters say, "There goes my hero. He's ordinary." What are our favorite athletes (not counting the ones who shoot up performance enhancers to cheat) other than ordinary people, just like us, except with a remarkable ability to perform a sport. And more money. And groupies. And an ability to get away with most any crime they feel like committing, the punishment rarely being more than a slap on the wrist. But basically, they're just like us. We see ourselves in them. We picture being Kirk Gibson in Game one of the 88 World Series. We pretend to be MJ over Ehlo. And don't even get me started on Mike Eruzione in the Olympics. ((editors note: Ice skating on linoleum should not be tried at home, or anywhere for that matter. The medical bills pile up quickly.)) Who would we have to emulate if we turned our back on sports? Whose posters would be hanging on our walls? Other than Miss February of course. Exactly. The sad truth is, we need them. We need the thrill of the chase we aren't even a part of. We needed Barroid Bonds. Just like we'll need Alex Rodriguez when he closes in on the home run record a few years from now. We needed Kobe's 80something points. And in a few years, when Peyton Manning closes in on Dan Marino's passing yardage record, we'll need that. And speaking of yardage, where have you gone, Barry Sanders? We needed you. It's really kind of pathetic, isn't it?

Drinking: In hindsight, maybe this shoulda been number one. Let's be real. We're men. We need beer. It's in our DNA. What would happen if we gave up on sports? We'd be drinking to Lifetime movies and Oprah. Would you rather "Cheers!" to the Lakers and Heat tipping off in the ongoing Shaq saga, or Miss Winfrey introducing the latest Amy Tan novel to her book club? The Yankees and Red Sox battling out in late September or "Romance of the Heart?" The on-ice magic of Sidney Crosby, or the lame-ass magic of Criss Angel? That's what we thought.

If we missed something, send us angry emails. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

The Hills of Los Angeles Are Burning

The Clippers took the equivalent of a Andrew Golota uppercut to the frank and beans this weekend, when star forward Elton Brand ruptured his achilles tendon in a workout. On the list of guys who are indispensable and irreplaceable to their teams, he has to rank towards the top in that Kobe Bryant/Dwayne Wade echelon. Oddly, the media didn't make a big deal in the form of a eulogy on the upcoming Clipper season as they certainly would have if one of the aforementioned two went down. Maybe it's because he doesn't have extra-marital sex with ugly white chicks or turn every drive to the hoop into a life-threatening X-games stunt.

The Lakers, around the same time as the Garnett-to-Celtics deal was finalized, announced the signing of Coby Karl. While this doesn't mean a whole lot to the rest of the nation, we live in L.A. You can't turn on a sports-radio show without hearing a disheartened Laker fan lambasting the West coast answer to Billy King in Mitch Kupchak. We'd like to tell Laker fans not to worry. After all, Karl is the son of veteran coach George Karl so at least his bloodlines are good. We're not sure if there's any truth to the rumors that the Lakers are also pursuing Red Auerbach's grand-niece and Mark Cuban's golden retriever.

Packin' up my game and I'ma head out West: Espn reports that Indiana center Jermaine O'Neal wants to be a Laker. The 28-year-old is coming off of knee surgery and says he's healthy for the first time in 2 years. We've reviewed the possibilities here at 120 and it seems that the Lakers may have barely enough overrated and overpaid white guys to get the Pacers to bite. Vlade Radmanovic, Sasha Vujacic, and 2 first rounders? Any takers???

Back to Garnett: Despite being eligible for a 3-year $90 million contract extension, KG inked the same deal with Boston for just $51mil. That’s a discount of $13mil a season! Why is this a big deal? Without that discount, by 2008, Boston would have been over the salary cap even if they waived everybody from the team not named Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce. Want some more perspective? Take those three players off the team, and the remaining payroll is about $13 million. Is Kevin a hero? A saint? Or, a ruthless competitor who would leave tens of millions on the table for a chance to win.

Over in cow-town: The true reason Yi Jianlian won’t sign with the Bucks has surfaced, via an inside source from China :

"Said Ma Jian, a former Chinese basketball star: "Of course, definitely, CBA (Chinese Basketball Association) and Yi’s agents would prefer that he play in cities with large Chinese population. It will benefit both CBA and Yi; it will help promotion. And it will guarantee him better restaurants and perhaps better looking Chinese girlfriend." – Journal Times, via The Basketball Jones

Maybe this is also the reason Jay-Z didn't mention Milwaukee in his song, Big Pimpin'. But anyway, if you ask us, the quality of cheese in Wisconsin ought to more than make up for the lack of hot, Chinese, poonanny.

To the diamond: A couple of notable milestones other than Barroid Bonds' 755th career dinger were reached this weekend.

Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th career home run, becoming at age 32 the youngest player ever to do so. Speaking of 500 that's precisely 499 more than the number of manly-looking strippers the New York tabloids have busted him entering a strip club with. With all the buzz surrounding Bonds and his alleged doping, A-Rod deserves a little credit here because it seems he didn't use drugs to accomplish either achievement.

Tommy Glavine won his 300th game. The New York Mets lefty with the disproportionately hot wife finally crossed the threshold guaranteeing Cooperstown induction with a solid 6 1/3 inning effort against the Cubbies that not even the Mets' abysmal bullpen could blow. Glavine has been the epitome of class during his 20-year-career, so it was hard not to cheer for him to get this win. Still, it makes you wonder how a guy whose fastball wouldn't get a speeding ticket in most states does it.

On the soccer field, the LA Galaxy played to a nil nil draw with Toronto yesterday, without their 250 million-dollar man. Since signing his ginormous contract, David Beckham has played a grand total of 16.9 minutes. That breaks down to a salary of roughly 14,792,899 bucks per MINUTE. Where do you apply for THAT job?

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Trading Places

It's official. Kevin Garnett is a Celtic, and pretty much everyone not named Rajon Rondo, Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce is a Timberwolf. What does this mean? Glad you asked! We'll tell you.

For the Celtics: Congrats, Danny Ainge. You just kept your job for another season. Congrats to the entire team. You just mortgaged a significant part of your future to become somewhere between the third and sixth best team in the diabolically horrible Eastern Conference.

The rationale: Paul Pierce is a proven star who'll get you 25 points a game for another two or three years. Ray Allen, even at his advancing age, still has the prettiest jumpshot in the league. But you needed a third star, didn't you. Yup. How long can the Celtics, one of the most storied franchises in the history of sports, expect their fans to be loyal to a bottom feeder? It's time to give something back to the faithful. And this is it.

The reality: We may be in the minority here, but this had to be the worst possible thing the Celtics could have done. Why? They already had Kevin Garnett. His name is Al Jefferson. That third star they needed? Yeah, he was already there. And for his 20 points and 12 boards every game, the Celtics would have paid an miniscule fraction of the 22 million, plus or minus a few hundred grand, they're paying for Garnett. The kicker here, is that to make the salaries work, the Celtics had to include the expiring contract of Theo Ratliff. And in this day and age of the luxury tax, those guys are a luxury. Finally, take a look at the Miami Heat's salary structure for the near future. They're paying a rapidly declining Shaq, a never-was-that-good-to-begin-with Antoine Walker, and a host of other has-beens and never-will-bes a crippling amount of money. That's the Celtics in two years. Pierce's skill isn't on the decline yet, but his health has shown signs of heading there. Garnett is not a spring chicken and has a ton of miles on his motor, and age has historically not treated jump shooters kindly. On the plus side, the Celtics also partially filled a gaping hole at the point by including Sebastian Telfair in the deal.

For the T-Wolves: They shipped off the most popular player in the franchise's short history. They better have gotten something in return. Well, they did. The aforementioned Jefferson has a decade of stardom ahead of him. You've gotta love Ryan Gomes. What he lacks in skill, he makes up for with effort and a bitchin' beer gut. Gerald Green has loads of offensive potential if he gets some minutes, which shouldn't be a problem in Minny. And having Ratliff off the books at the end of this season will create even more cap room than they already are projected to have.

The rationale: Even with KG, one of the best players of the last 20 years, they've struggled in a very deep Western Conference. The talent chart dropped with the steepness of a cliff after Garnett. However, if you can add some young pieces, suck for a year or two and get a decent draft pick, you never know what can happen.

The reality: All of a sudden, the Wolves are looking at a core of Jefferson, Randy Foye, first round pick Corey Brewer, Gerald Green, and if he ever lives up to his potential, Rashad McCants. Watch this space in two years and see what blossoms. Now, before Wolves fans get their hopes too high, there's still work to be done. For starters, if they can convince Maccabi Tel Aviv to trade them three barrells of matzo ball soup for the trio of Troy Hudson, Marko Jaric, and Telfair, it would epitomize addition by subtraction. You know what a mid size sedan looks like when the rear suspension is going and whoever loaded up the trunk and back seat didn't take into account that hauling 4 tons of cinder blocks in a Cavalier probably isn't a good idea? Yeah, if the Wolves are a car, that's them.

The Verdict: It's a no-brainer for the Wolves, and utterly brainless by the Celtics. Did we forget to mention that Doc Rivers is still impersonating a coach in Boston? If we did, blame the Schlitz. But how can you expect an oarsman without any arms to steer your ship? Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

What's Wrong With the World

That's a lot of Ws. Anyway, as I'm sure you've all heard, former NBA official Tim Donaghy is being investigated for illegal gambling on games he refereed. What? Are you telling me that an NBA ref is corrupt and on the take? What's next, Lindsay Lohan getting another DUI? Say it ain't so, Joe.

In another unexpected event, yet another Tour de France cyclist has been given the boot for doping. Shocker. Next thing you know, Pacman Jones is gonna get arrested for something. In Alexandre Vinokourov's defense however, his fellow riders seem to hold him in high regard. British rider David Millar said, "Jesus Christ, I'm speechless." Okay, two things are funny about this. One, if you open your mouth to say, "Jesus Christ, I'm speechless," you're a moron because Jesus doesn't care and you're not speechless. Ironiclly, Millar is riding in his first Tour in a couple of years because he himself was banned for doping. So in essence, what he's really saying is, "I'm shocked. Alex is an upstanding guy. You'd expect doping from a cheating limey like myself, but Alex? Never..."

Back to Mr. Donaghy, NBA commish David Stern faced the media this morning, calling Donaghy a "rouge criminal" and his actions "isolated."

Our Take: Okay, Davey. The smug sonofabitch routine might work when you're handing Ron Artest a suspension for beating up on a fan. But when we're talking about YOU employing someone who has compromised the integrity of the game, a little contrition wouldn't be the worst thing. After all, sources say you actually KNEW of Donaghy's gambling problems and still let him officiate games of great importance, i.e. Game 3 of this year's Spurs Suns series. I wonder if the idea has occurred to anyone else that maybe it might be a good idea to investigate Mr. Stern's own gambling habits. Maybe Donaghy was just a pawn in HIS little game. Maybe Donaghy isn't the only one in need of protection from the ::cough:: Italian American Independent Business Association.

Barriod Bonds is two dingers away from breaking the immortal Henry Aaron's record of 755 lifetime homeruns. But the big guy is struggling. Mired in a month-long slump, the record is taking longer to be broken than most anticipated. For additional drama, it's quite possible that Balco Barry might have a chance to break the record in L.A. when his Giants visit the Dodgers next week. This is only funny because Bonds is about as popular in Los Angeles as Michael Vick is at a PETA convention.

At 120, we're not all about satire. We give you the heart-warming stuff too. Grab your Kleenex. Boston Red Sox lefty Jon Lester made a successful return to the big leagues after being diagnosed with cancer last year. After debating furiously for several minutes over whether or not he'd ever been teammates with Gary Sheffield, it dawned on us that he had lymphoma. Lester became on of the very few baseballers to make it back to the bigs after having cancer, joining an exclusive group including Andres Galarraga and Brett Butler. Congrats, Jonny.

Under the heading of "How is this even news?", Kobe Bryant hit the game winning shot for his side in a Team USA intrasquad scrimmage. How come nobody is talking about his amazing 4 week streak of not showing up in random dudes' video tapes bad-mouthing his GM and teammates?

Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.

Rashard Lewis: I'm Rich, Bitch!

The Orlando Magic have lured Rashard Lewis away from the Sonics by singing to the tune of a five-year $85 million contract. By the end of the week, Lewis will be earning more annual dosh than Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Yao Ming. Here at 120 Proof, we have opinions. We also have beer farts. Which would you prefer?

The Case for Rashard: You're the Orlando Magic. Grant Hill just came off your books and you've got some money to throw around. Why not get the best player available? This move puts your team into the mold of the '02 Lakers, with a dominant big man in Dwight Howard, a talented scorer in Rashard, and a group of role-players to fill in the holes. On top of that, you just hired a coach with a .605 career winning percentage in Stan Van Gundy to steer the boat, and hired Patrick Ewing to help mentor your young center. Things are looking up in the swamp, right?

Yes, you're overpaying for Lewis, but hey, who would come play for the Magic if you didn't? In the east, you can be competitive with less than this. Hell, you made it to the playoffs last season with less than this. Obviously, this move doesn't make you a contender right away; you've got some needs on your roster which need to be addressed first. Namely... well, the whole roster needs some help. But hey, Lewis makes Turkoglu expendable, so maybe you can flip him for some additional help. And besides, you've got time; Howard is still on his rookie contract and Lewis is just entering his prime at 27.

The Case Against Rashard: You're the East Coast Clippers. You just got unceremoniously swept out of the playoffs. Yes, you have some money to spend, but by committing this much money to Lewis, you're kissing Dwight Howards best help in the frontcourt, Milicic, goodbye. I hope Tony Battie has been lookin' good to the coaching staff lately. With Lewis on the books for max money, and Howard due to sign a lucrative extension next summer, the Magic are looking at salary cap hell for the next half a decade.

And besides, we're talking about Rashard freaking Lewis. He's 6'10" and pulls down fewer rebounds than Jason Kidd. In nine years, he didn't manage to get team past the first round of the playoffs a single time, and was an All-Star just once. He's never even been best player on his own team. And doesn't it concern you that Lewis's PER made an unprecedented leap from 31.15 to 35.20 in a contract year? Also, Lewis may only be 27, but he entered the NBA straight out of high school, and already has nearly as many games on his legs as Grant Hill. Despite the fact that Rashard reportedly takes good care of himself, just hope he doesn't spend too much time out on the town partying. Not that we have anything against that. Or drinking at home alone on a Saturday morning, for that matter.

Odds and Ends: It's amazing how when you fall into a Boone's Farm coma for five days, you miss some vital things in the world of sports... like the NBA draft. Here are some retrospections for you.

Morris Almond: He went to the Jazz with the 25th pick. He also has the distinction of being the best player in this year's draft named after a nut.

Stanko Balac: Pacers at 39. His name is Stanko. As a Laker fan, I was praying to everything holy he would drop one more spot. Then I could order my Stanko jersey. But it's simply not to be. On the positive side, at least he has the potential to make the Pacers the only team in NBA history to simultaneously have the three most overrated white guys in the league on the roster.

Yi Jianlian: He speaks English! How great is that!? In baseball, you have 12 year veterans who have been in the states longer than that and still won't speak to the media without an interpreter. Granted, it was about as understandable as Weird Al in his Nirvana spoof, but still. How do you say, "Get me the hell out of Milwaukee!" in Chinese?

More Pacers: They just signed Andre Owens, Kareem Rush, and Stephen Graham to guaranteed contracts. What's even more impressive than that is that the foursome of Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Marquis Daniels, and Jamaal Tinsley will earn a combined 98 million dollars over the next four seasons. Why does everyone keep saying the Heat and Kings have crappy salary situations? Oh yeah, Shaq and Brad Miller, who are neck and neck in the race for most overrated center honors.

Spencer Hawes: The Sacramento Kings' newest overhyped white guy says he wants to pattern his game after Rocket great Hakeem Olajuwon. Ummmm.....Spence? By all accounts one of the three greatest centers who ever lived? Don't you think that might be setting the bar a little high for a kid with two left feet?

On the diamond: New York Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez's wife was recently photographed at a game wearing a tank top with an obscene statement on it. Specifically, F--- You. But who are you effing? No idea on our part if the F word was directed at her husband. Did it have something to do with the manly looking stripper A-Rod was photographed walking into a strip club with recently? Is he effing HER? Eh, too much effing. Eff this.

Hot diggity: The annual 4th of July Coney Island hotdog eating contest takes place tomorrow. The favorites are some guy named Chestnut and a 32 pound Japanese guy named -- wait a sec. Hot dog eating contest? How is it, that in commemorating our wonderful country's independence, we have a freaking contest to see which man can shove more wieners in his mouth but a beer chugging tournament is nowhere to be found? I might have to move to Canada. Thanks for having a shot of 120 Proof.